377 voters

Feel The Schwartz With The Funniest 'Spaceballs' Quotes

Updated December 27, 2019 4.4k votes 377 voters 10.6k views25 items

Strap on your helmet and enjoy the most hilarious quotes from Spaceballs. Directed by Mel Brooks, the 1987 Star Wars parody movie is packed with funny lines, memorable one-liners, and quotable dialogue. What is your favorite quote from Spaceballs

Vote up the best Spaceballs quotes, and may the Schwartz be with you.

  • 1

    Knew I Was Surrounded

    Dark Helmet: Fire a warning shot across her nose.

    (warning shots just miss Vespa's ship)

    Dark Helmet: Careful, you idiot! I said across her nose, not up it!

    Gunner: (reveals he is cross eyed) Sorry, sir! I'm doing my best!

    Dark Helmet: Who made that man a gunner?

    Major *sshole: I did, sir. He's my cousin. 

    Dark Helmet: Who is he?

    Colonel Sandurz: He's an *sshole, sir.

    Dark Helmet: I know that. What's his name?

    Colonel Sandurz: That is his name, sir. *sshole. Major *sshole.

    Dark Helmet: And his cousin?

    Colonel Sandurz: He's an *sshole too, sir. Gunner's mate, First Class, Philip *sshole.

    Dark Helmet: How many *ssholes have we got on this ship, anyhow?

    (everyone stands but one)

    Bridge Crew: Yooo!

    Dark Helmet: I knew it. I'm surrounded by *ssholes.  Keep firing, *ssholes!


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    • Photo: MGM

      Happening Now

      Dark Helmet: What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?

      Colonel Sandurz: Now. You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now, is happening now.

      Dark Helmet: What happened to then?

      Colonel Sandurz: We passed then.

      Dark Helmet: When?

      Colonel Sandurz: Just now. We're at now now.

      Dark Helmet: Go back to then.

      Colonel Sandurz: When?

      Dark Helmet: Now.

      Colonel Sandurz: Now?

      Dark Helmet: Now.

      Colonel Sandurz: I can't.

      Dark Helmet: Why?

      Colonel Sandurz: We missed it.

      Dark Helmet: When?

      Colonel Sandurz: Just now.

      Dark Helmet: When will then be now?

      Colonel Sandurz: Soon.

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      • 3

        Your Father's Brother's

        Dark Helmet: Not so fast, Lone Starr!

        Lone Starr: Helmet. So, at last we meet for the first time for the last time. Yeah.

        Dark Helmet: Before you die, there is something you should know about us, Lone Starr.

        Lone Starr: What?

        Dark Helmet: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.

        Lone Starr: What's that make us?

        Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing! Which is what you are about to become. Prepare to die.


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        • 4

          Comb The Desert

          (Spaceballs have a giant comb combing the desert)

          Colonel Sandurz: Sir?

          Dark Helmet: (turns bullhorn to Sandurz) What?

          Colonel Sandurz: Are we being too literal?

          Dark Helmet: (still shouting in bullhorn) No, you fool, we're following orders. We were told to comb the desert, so we're combing it.  Found anything yet?!

          Spaceball: Nothing yet, sir!

          Dark Helmet: How about you?!

          Spaceball: Not a thing, sir!

          (shows two combing with an Afro Pick.]

          Dark Helmet: What about you guys?!

          Black Spaceballs: We ain't found sh*t!


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