List of crazy Bible verses to shoot back at your Fundamentalist neighbors, ranked by how insane they are, especially in the context of modern life. Just because a verse is not a Commandment doesn't mean it's not in The Bible. Fundamentalists hold the most extreme and literal interpretations of The Bible, and many are quick to point you to a Bible passage for proof that the deeds of others are "evil." Want reason to think that homosexuality is abominable and condemns you to Hell? Check The Bible. Want to think molesting children is fine? The Bible says that's no problem - as long as you say some words quietly into your hands. Conveniently, Fundies ignore some of the most straightforward rules for no reason other than that they just don't fit in with the type of society they want. So, here are those forgotten Christian rules that need to be followed if they're really going to stick to their guns on the whole gay marriage, abortion, and child molestation thing.
DISCLAIMER: This list isn't meant as a hateful gesture towards Christians, but a way to fight irrational responses in debates with (fun) facts.Check out Ranker's other lists, like Companies with Bad Customer Service, the richest black people in America, and this list of Republican Actors.
"For whatsoever man he be that hath a blemish, he shall not approach: a blind man, or a lame, or he that hath a flat nose, or any thing superfluous, Or a man that is brokenfooted, or brokenhanded, Or crookbackt, or a dwarf, or that hath a blemish in his eye, or be scurvy, or scabbed, or hath his stones broken. No man that hath a blemish of the seed of Aaron the priest shall come nigh to offer the offerings of the Lord made by fire: he hath a blemish; he shall not come nigh to offer the bread of his God." (Leviticus 21:18-21)
Apparently, God reads US Weekly and takes it to heart. Although since he is all knowing and all powerful, then that also means that he reads every magazine ever written.
So it theoretically isn't an untrue statement that yes, God reads Out Magazine.
According to The Bible, people who are born with or acquire defects throughout their lives should not approach the altar of a Church to make an offering to God because they "hath a blemish."
Christians are always saying God loves everyone but this list of "or"s excludes a whole group of people who actually have no control over what they look like most of the time.
From something as superficial as a flat nose to once again with the "broken stones" (Women may be inferior in God's eyes, but he sure knows how to make a man feel worthless.)
Congrats God, you've found a way to hold every disabled and unprotected person responsible for things out of their control and make them feel like crap about it.How to Use:
If there's even one disabled person with a serious physical problem or deformity in the church, you need to remind the church goers that he needs to be removed if anyone's going to get any kind of legitimate praying, singing and donating done.
"But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel: Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her father's house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you." (Deuteronomy 22: 20-21)
The "father's house" in Paris Hilton's case would be any Hilton hotel, so we know that if fundamentalists were really taking everything the way "God" intended, then it should be a well-known and widespread Christian agenda to call for the public stoning of Paris Hilton.
Also, there are edge-cases where, if a little girl has an accident or is injured during sports, the Bible says they should be stoned to death. It's pretty well known that it's entirely possible (and not at all irregular) for a young woman's hymen to be accidentally broken due to accidents or even playing certain sports like gymnastics.
This also means that in order to enforce a rule like this, churches need to have regular "Hymen Checks" at the dorr, but they don't, because we're human beings and we're trying to live in a little thing called "society."
So then why let this one slide and not things like gay marriage?
"When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets: Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her." (Deuteronomy 25:11-12)
Okay this one is insanely specific, which makes it that much more awesome. This probably NEVER happens... but if a faithful wife decided to defend her husband by grabbing a guy by his junk, anyone, would have God's blessing to cut her hand off.
How to Use:
Alright, so in the extremely rare case that you might witness something like this happening and you know everyone involved is a devout Christian, then politely recommend the woman's hand be cut off -- just to save her (and them) from an eternity of Hellfire.
"But if she bear a maid child, then she shall be unclean two weeks, as in her separation: and she shall continue in the blood of her purifying threescore and six days." (Leviticus 12:5)
People should hold signs that say "God Hates Women" because it really will be the most accurate Christian sign you could ever make. God made the one thing women were actually appreciated for, the ability to give birth to life, a dirty act.
When women give birth to their children at the hospital now, they are immediately handed their child because that's what you want to do when you pop out a kid after carrying it for nine months in your belly -- not go through 66 days of church-mandated shame.
How to Use:
Next time one of your devout relatives or someone who always thinks they're right during religious debates has a daughter, politely bring up the fact that in the eyes of God, the mother is a dirty whore who needs to wait 66 days before being allowed anywhere near anything clean ever again.
She should probably also shower regularly.