List of crazy Bible verses to shoot back at your Fundamentalist neighbors, ranked by how insane they are, especially in the context of modern life. Just because a verse is not a Commandment doesn't mean it's not in The Bible. Fundamentalists hold the most extreme and literal interpretations of The Bible, and many are quick to point you to a Bible passage for proof that the deeds of others are "evil." Want reason to think that homosexuality is abominable and condemns you to Hell? Check The Bible. Want to think molesting children is fine? The Bible says that's no problem - as long as you say some words quietly into your hands. Conveniently, Fundies ignore some of the most straightforward rules for no reason other than that they just don't fit in with the type of society they want. So, here are those forgotten Christian rules that need to be followed if they're really going to stick to their guns on the whole gay marriage, abortion, and child molestation thing.
DISCLAIMER: This list isn't meant as a hateful gesture towards Christians, but a way to fight irrational responses in debates with (fun) facts.Check out Ranker's other lists, like Companies with Bad Customer Service, the richest black people in America, and this list of Republican Actors.
If You Disobey God, You Will Eat Your BabiesPhoto: Metaweb / GNU Free Documentation License
If in spite of this you still do not listen to me but continue to be hostile toward me, 28 then in my anger I will be hostile toward you, and I myself will punish you for your sins seven times over. 29 You will eat the flesh of your sons and the flesh of your daughters."(Leviticus 26:27-30)
If you break even a single one of these rules, you need to eat your children. Doesn't matter how old they are, doesn't matter what you do, but if you disobey God and his ways, he's going to wreak some serious havoc.
In this part of Leviticus, it's really God making a bunch ofHow to Use:
threatsrules and maybe he just got a little out of hand, but yes, he says that if you disobey him, he's gonna make you eat your kids.
You might as well put on the Food Network, get some good recipes ready and hand them to someone next time a Christian fundamentalist tries to pull their piety card out. If they're not following this rule, then why follow rules that allow hate towards people different than they are?1,922384Is this insane?
If Your Brother Dies, You Need to Bang His WifePhoto: flickr / CC0
"Master, Moses wrote unto us, If a man's brother die, and leave his wife behind him, and leave no children, that his brother should take his wife, and raise up seed unto his brother." (Mark 12:19)
Moses, the prophet who delivered his fellow Jews from a wicked Egyptian tyrant and led them across the parted Red Sea, had apparently told this speaker that if a woman is widowed, her late husband's brother should sleep with her and produce heirs for his brother. From a traveling crowd of people that were homeless for 40 years, this actually makes sense... but not so much for this day and age.
Picture that -- a grieving widow is visited by her husband's brother to have intercourse the night of the funeral.How to Use:
repopulating simply to have heirs doesn't exist as a valid concept anymore. Plenty of couples are choosing not to reproduce at all and with a recession and climate crisis on our hands, they're doing the world a favor. If this rule has been allowed to become obsolete, why not others that ruin people's lives?1,920422Is this insane?
No Bastards May Enter The ChurchPhoto: flickr / CC0
"A bitched shall not enter into the congregation of the Lord; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the Lord." (Deuteronomy 23:2)
A bitched is someone who was born outside of wedlock, which means you were born before your parents were married. Being born out of wedlock makes you filthy, apparently; so filthy in fact that it takes ten genetic steps down the line to wash how filthy it makes you.
So your family's 100% awesome to come to church in like a century or two if you're a bitched, which I guess is fair. Wait, but what if your dad abandoned you and your mom after she had given birth to you... that means you're going to be held responsible and deprived of God's love... which...
Wow, this means that Christian orphanages are hypocritical institutions if they're taking these kids to church. Brutal.
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After bringing up the point about orphanages, it's time to take a survey of the church just to make sure there aren't evil, lurking, dirty bitcheds in there ruining the holy juice for everyone.2,369583Is this insane?
Cursing At Your Parents Warrants DeathPhoto: Metaweb / CC-BY
"For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death: he hath cursed his father or his mother; his blood shall be upon him." (Leviticus 20:9)
If every kid in America who cursed at his parents was killed, we'd have to worry about repopulating the country. Every day.
So, really all you'll have to do to silence any screaming protester outside an abortion clinic, military funeral, or even a family member that's being a little too smug about their religious beliefs is ask them how their parents are doing.
The context of this forgotten rule is all part of Christianity's established hierarchy, which gives parents absolute power over their children, and all men power over women. So if you're a father, you really have more power than pretty much everyone on earth except God.
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Try bringing this up in front of a man's wife or children; see how that goes.1,432348Is this insane?