In the modern world, where everything has been thrown into chaos and nothing is certain, the only thing humanity has to rely on is action stars with ridiculous character names. People may not know what terrible thing is going to happen tomorrow, but they do know when they watch an action movie they’re gonna see some dudes with butch character names whoop ass like Abraham Lincoln thwaking his punishment stick across Jefferson Davis's naughty backside.
FYI, the emboldened names below are the ones that really sparkle. As you were.
Don’t pretend like you wouldn't flex your pecs just a little if you discovered one of the gods of cinema on this list signed on to play a disgraced Army pilot named Brock Diesel, who has to win his family back in a punching contest, or that you don’t break out your celebratory muscle grease when these paramount specimens of red blooded manhood put on their leather jacket for one last ride.
Everyone knows the best character names ever are in action films, and even though there was a weird spot in the early 2000s when action moves became more realistic, that garbage has thankfully ended, and action cinema once again began using character names to match the Hellenistic poise of glistening action star bros. What follows is a thrill ride of a list counting down some of the butchest action star character names. That’s right, this list literally kicks ass and takes names. Do some push ups, eat a handful of creatine, and check out the best action movie character names that have ever graced the big screen.
- Photo: Universal Pictures
Aside from playing the T-800 in a movie called The Terminator, Arnold Schwarzenegger has rocked some of the most butch character names in film history:
17228Are these the manliest names?
- Trench (The Expendables series)
- John 'The Eraser' Kruger (Eraser)
- Jericho (End of Days)
- Dutch (Predator)
- Harry Tasker (True Lies)
- Quaid/Hauser (Total Recall)
- Ivan Danko (Red Heat)
- John Matrix (Commando)
- John 'Breacher' Wharton (Sabotage)
- Handsome Stranger (The Villain; okay, that's a bit part)
- Kalidor (Red Sonja; yeah, that's a real movie)
- And don't forget Conan the f*cking Barbarian
- Photo: Warner Bros. Pictures
Sylvester Stallone pretty much only play characters so ripped and hard you can hear them flexing. The extra oil on those muscles is he writes and produces most movies in which he appears. He basically created the template for Vin Diesel's career. And his writing habit totally explains names like:
16530Are these the manliest names?
- Rocky Balboa (Rocky series)
- John Rambo (Rambo series)
- John Spartan (Demolition Man)
- Judge Dredd (Judge Dredd, duh)
- Marion "Cobra" Cobretti (Cobra)
- Cosmo Carboni (Paradise Alley)
- Machine Gun Joe Viterbo (Death Race 2000)
- Ray Quick (The Specialist)
- Henry 'Razor' Sharp (Grudge Match)
- Gabe Walker (Cliffhanger)
- Raymond Tango (Tango & Cash)
- Lincoln Hawk (Over the Top)
- Kit Latura (Daylight)
- Photo: 20th Century Fox
Danny Trejo has been in about 350 movies and every single one of his characters is named something like "Gun Face Charlie," so it's pointless to count them all down, but these are the toughest on his IMDB:
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- Johnny Sixtoes (Inferno)
- Razor Charlie (From Dusk Till Dawn series)
- Johnny-23 (Con Air)
- Machete (Machete)
- El Patron (Shuang Dao)
- G-Man (Eyeborgs)
- Bismarck (Saint John of Las Vegas)
- Drayke Salgado (Recoil)
- Tijuanna Maxx (St. James St. James Presents: Delirium Cinema)
- Jackhammer (Chronology)
- Aguilar (The Night Crew)
- Photo: MGM
Chuck Norris is a corny, bearded white dude who was in legit Chinese movies with legit Chinese martial artists, trading blows with the best in the world. He also kicked the crap out of communism and is definitely the kind of dude who seems like the nicest dad in the world until you knock up his daughter, then he breaks your neck with his d*ck.
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- Chuck Slaughter (Huang Mian Lao Hu)
- J.J. McQuade (Lone Wolf McQuade)
- Max Donigan (Firewalker)
- Cordell Walker, Texas Ranger (Walker Texas Ranger series, Sons of Thunder)
- Frank Shatter (Hellbound)
- Chuck Norris (Chuck Norris: Karate Kommandos)
- Matt Hunter (Invasion USA)