Graveyard Shift
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How You’re Probably Going To Die Based On Your Zodiac Sign

Updated November 5, 2019 67.2k views12 items

How am I going to die?

It's a macabre question, but it is one we have all asked ourselves at some point. You may have asked the question as you gazed up at the boundless abyss of space, trying to make sense of it all. All of those stars up in the infinite void may actually provide some insight into your own end: how you are going to die based on your zodiac sign is written in the (already dead) stars. 

You already know how you would fare in a zombie apocalypse, but what if you don't live to see the downfall of civilization via Patient Zero and walking corpses? These zodiac death predictions can give you a little more clarity on how you're going to bite the dust. Each sign has different qualities that lend themselves to a myriad of mishaps that can easily lead to an untimely death. The trick is to learn these causes of death by zodiac so you can be ever vigilant against the long, cold fingers of the Grim Reaper.

  • Aries: Decapitated While Attempting To Reenact The Van Surfing Scene From 'Teen Wolf'
    Photo: Teen Wolf / MGM

    Aries (March 21 - April 19) is known for being willful, stubborn, and reckless. When you spend all of your free time doing things that other people tell you that you can't, you're bound to get into trouble.

    One night, after a few drinks, someone will mention how cool it would be if you could actually van surf like Michael J. Fox's Scott Howard in Teen Wolf. After a brief argument about the physics of the whole thing, someone throws out the word "dare" and Aries is off and running. 

    Alas, the Aries runs into a low overpass with their face, making it the last time they'll lose their head.

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  • Tauruses (April 20 - May 20) hate wasting money but still want to get the best quality for the cash they do choose to spend. 

    After several days of careful consideration, price comparisons, and planning, Taurus has mapped out the best Black Friday deals available. They have their list, their stomach full of last night's dinner, and a game plan for exerting the least amount of effort while still gathering all of the things they hope to purchase.

    Once at the first store, the doors open and the crowd begins to surge, prompting Taurus to choose the worst possible time to pitch a hissy fit about being rushed. Taurus only has time to stamp their foot once before a cavalcade of glassy-eyed bargain hunters knock them to the ground. Needless to say, the funeral will have a closed casket.

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  • Gemini (May 21 - June 20) is the twin sign, giving them traits that often seem at odds with one another. For instance, Gemini hates judgmental people, but they can't help themselves when there is gossip to be spread.

    Charming and able to fascinate prospective pals, Gemini will one day befriend the wrong person. After an adventurous night of bar-hopping and meeting new people, Gemini will start to feel chatty. Distracted by the whirlwind of activity and the invincible feeling of .21 BAC, they'll forget that the friend they're talking smack about is right behind them.

    Drinking and tempers don't mix, leaving Gemini feeling the sting of regret as they fall to the ground, knife firmly in their back.

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  • A lover of art, Cancer (June 21 - July 22) adores visiting museums or creating their own work at home. Whether it is a gift for a loved one or just a release after a stressful day of nurturing others, Cancer needs a little time to isolate themselves and decompress with creativity.

    At the same time, Cancer hates spending money on themselves. They'd prefer to use it to make a lovely dinner for their friends, throw a nice party for their kid, or just surprise their significant other with a gift. They did get these paints on clearance at the Dollar Store though, and they are going to do their best with them.

    Not thinking to crack a window when working with such a small amount of paint, Cancer eventually passes out from the fumes slowly filling their isolated workspace. It turns out the Dollar Store doesn't always get recalled products off their shelves before bargain hunters snatch them up.

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