No matter how long you’ve been reading funny books, it always takes you by surprise to find sex in comics. Even if you’re not a square comic books are the one place you never think of as containing explicit sex scenes, but there’s a lot more of them out there than you would guess. Like a whole lot more. As much as you think you can relegate surprising comics hookups to indie fare like Black Hole or Blankets, there’s actually a lot of sex being had in mainstream titles. Indeed, there was a lot of weird comics sex happening in the '80s for some reason (that reason is 100% Alan Moore). If you’re having trouble thinking of any comic book sex scenes then make sure your parents are out of the room because it’s about to get steamy all up in your computer.
More so than any other medium, comic books are able to convey a multitude of emotions with their sex scenes. Whether they’re trying to bring two characters together in a meaningful way, have something silly happen, or just show a couple of impossibly built, spandex clad characters blow (heh) off some steam – comics can accomplish all of those things, and occasionally all of them at the same time. The comic book sex scenes that you’re about to see range from emotionless bang sesh’s penned by Frank Miller to some of the most pathos filled panels that have ever been created. Just try to keep it in your pants while you read along.
The Green Goblin Pumpkin Bombs Gwen Stacy
Well this is just a big bowl of yikes. Sins Past, from 2004, is one of those story arcs that makes you wish you could forget the whole thing happened. For some reason, writer J. Michael Straczynski thought it would be great if he revealed that Gwen Stacy had cheated on Peter Parker with the Green Goblin (Norman Osborn). Not only did that crazy train leave the station, but she was also pregnant with twins who grew up to fight Spider-Man.
Anyway, the nightmare of a sex scene comes after MJ tearfully recounts how Gwen swore her to secrecy and that she only found out because she overheard Stacy and Osborn arguing about the custody of the children while they were taking care of Harry after he "overdosed on LSD."
Batman's Burning Love
In All-Star Batman and Robin #7, written by infamous comic creep Frank Miller, Black Canary watches as Batman dishes out street justice to a bunch of thugs while pummeling them with vaguely homophobic patter ("So's this, sweetheart," and "Sleep tight, princess.") while carrying a running inner monologue about how sexy she thinks the Dark Knight is.
Weirdly, she also she talks like a character from a James Joyce novel: "Before I can even catch my breath, they're a bunch of bleeding, burning heaps, they are." Immediately after Batman bat-punches a bunch of guys to near death she runs over and straight up f*cks him on a burning pier. It's enough to make you wonder what kind of sex Mr. Miller is having exactly.
Ben Franklin? More Like Been F*ckin'
Believe it or not, it's really hard to explain a Dr. Strange storyline from the '70s in which he and Clea (his helper/lover/wife/daughter of Dormammu) travel back to 1775 and she ends up having sex with Ben Franklin. Basically, the two of them travel back in time to study the history of the occult and wind up bumping into Franklin. Cool. Fine. No big deal.
But while Strange is off doing Dr. Strange Stuff, Franklin puts the moves on Clea and they bone. That happens. When Dr. Strange returns, Franklin says that he's now engaged to Clea - which would be crazy if not for the very next piece of information - it's not actually Ben Franklin that boned his paramour. It's really Strange's nemesis Stygryo, who was pretending to be Frankling to mess with Clea. Can't wait for that storyline to make it into Dr. Strange 2: Everyone Gets Their Money Back.
Colossus' Savage Savage Land Three Way
After crash landing in the Savage Land, the X-Men run into a whole heap of new experiences. Notably, Colossus loses his virginity to two pink women with mohawks. Bruh.
In a comic that's mostly Wolverine fighting Sauron while Storm lies around in a bikini, the last thing the readers expect is for a pair of Savage Land babes to deflower a young Russian metal man.