Goop is a blog curated by Gwyneth Paltrow and a place where she navigates from the mundane to the downright bizarre. With unrelatable and often ridiculous advice, she jumps from how to make a bed to the phenomenon that is vaginal steaming. She just can’t seem to get a handle on any of the meat in the middle, and her veganism isn’t even to blame for it. What's the weirdest Gwyneth Paltrow diet and lifestyle advice on Goop? There's lots of it.
None of this is to say she’s a bad person, it just would appear that Paltrow, successful Hollywood actress that she is, has a complete and utter lack of awareness about herself and the real world. What's the deal with the Goop lifestyle, you ask? Well if there was a Euler diagram to showcase the relationship between what Paltrow thinks is necessary information vs. what the rest of the world thinks is necessary information, the circles literally wouldn’t touch. One must naturally assume that 95% of this Gwyneth Paltrow website readership must only be people hate-reading – there’s simply no other explanation for who is curious about her yachting weekend advice.
Since its inception, Goop.com has provided for much better fodder and mockery than advice. It is a safe place, not for fashion, hair, cooking, and life advice, but for all of Paltrow’s humblebrags, wish lists, and misguided attempts to connect to the plebian public in the most bourgeoisie way. The possibility that this is a massive, drawn out troll by the Queen of All Things Proper cannot be ruled out.Trolling or not, Paltrow has created enough crazy content for us to line up and judge for ourselves. What is the most insane piece of advice on Gwyneth Paltrow’s blog? Let’s enter the exclusive world of Goop and pick a winner.
Food for Kids Should Be as Complicated as Possible
Paltrow created a stupefying children’s menu that is both complicated and time consuming. This isn’t to say that her assistants don’t execute it perfectly, it’s just that those reading her advice often don't have that luxury. But, hey, we all know how kids are notorious for their love of vegetable sushi! It’s perfect for all those times you just don’t have time to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich…
Vagina Steaming Is a Great Idea
According the Paltrow, the real golden ticket is a Mugworth V-Steam, whereby you “sit on what is essentially a mini-throne, and a combination of infrared and mugwort steam cleanses your uterus, et al.” She insists it’s “an energetic release – not just a steam douche.” Beyond this being the most ridiculous advice ever, it sounds like an awfully expensive way to poach an egg.
Eat Spirit Truffles to De-Calcify Your Pineal Gland and Learn ESP
Paltrow's recipe for Spirit Truffles possibly borders on illegal. In her own words, “the spirit dust feeds harmony and extrasensory perception through pineal gland de-calcification and activation.” Wait, these truffles give you ESP? Are we sure it’s not Angel Dust she’s asking us to mix in to these crazy person truffles?
Get Great Skin by Letting Bees Sting You
Gwyneth told The New York Times that she's gone to some pretty extreme measures in the name of nice skin... including getting stung by bees. "It’s a thousands of years old treatment called apitherapy," she said. "People use it to get rid of inflammation and scarring. It’s actually pretty incredible if you research it. But, man, it’s painful."Paltrow paid to have the bees sting her, but you could always whack a nest with a baseball bat and get this luxury treatment for free.