Whether you’re a dyed-in-the-wool Christian or a hard line atheist, you might not realize how graphic and downright gross the Bible actually is. When thinking of the good book, most people only think about the greatest hits: The sermon at the mount, three days in a tomb, and something about an apple, but they completely gloss over the gory Bible scenes that just might turn this thousand-year-old tome of arguable origin into your favorite book.
The Bible features old men cutting off their boils, babies getting smashed into rocks, and A LOT of rape. It’s basically a very long prequel to A Serbian Film. If any of the passages that we’ve collected strike your fancy, pick up a Bible at your local bookstore or hotel.
Once you read some of the blood soaked and grisly stories from the Bible that we’ve cherry picked for you, the phrase “going Old Testament” will never be the same again. But it’s not just the first half of the good book that’s born out of a psychopath’s dream, the New Testament has plenty of stomach churning obscurities for you to gross yourself out with. Whether you prefer winged monsters rising from a pit filled with blood, or hundred year old women circumcising children with a sharp rock, there’s something in these brutal stories from the Bible just for you.
God Has Self Esteem IssuesPhoto: Metaweb / GNU Free Documentation License
Samaria shall become desolate; for she hath rebelled against her God: they shall fall by the sword: their infants shall be dashed in pieces, and their women with child shall be ripped up.
Most of Hosea is spent with God screaming at people about how he's the only god and that everyone needs to worship him, because if they don't he's going to send a bunch of pipe-toting cronies to kill all their children and rip unborn fetuses from their mothers' wombs. The whole thing makes God seems like the kind of guy who texts you a million times in a row after you go on one date and then threatens to kill himself when you tell him to relax.
The World's Worst CircumcisionPhoto: Metaweb / CC-BY
And it came to pass by the way in the inn, that the LORD met him, and sought to kill him. Then Zipporah took a sharp stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son, and cast it at his feet, and said, Surely a bloody husband art thou to me.
As the topic of circumcision makes some people squeamish, bring up this passage from the Bible where Moses's wife circumcises her son with a sharp rock, and watch your party guests cringe.
The Bible Hates ChildrenPhoto: Wikimedia Commons / CC-BY
Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.
Wait what? There's nothing leading up to this verse in Psalms that makes you feel like a line about basing a kid's head in is about to come up. This raises a few question. Is the "little one" in question a jerk? Or was the person writing it a super creep?
So Long, Sodom and Gomorrah, We Hardly Knew YePhoto: flickr / CC0
Then the LORD rained upon Sodom and upon Gomorrah brimstone and fire from the LORD out of heaven.
The story of Sodom and Gomorrah is insane. It begins with angels trying to visit Lot, a pious man, but before they can get into his house they're almost raped by a bunch of guys from Sodom. If that's not bad enough, Lot tries to save the angels by offering up his daughters to the mob of rapists. The rapists demure at the idea of forcing themselves on his daughters, and the angels tell Lot to GTFO out of town because as soon as he does, God's going to burn it to the ground. Which he does, of course.