Whether you’re a dyed-in-the-wool Christian or a hard line atheist, you might not realize how graphic and downright gross the Bible actually is. When thinking of the good book, most people only think about the greatest hits: The sermon at the mount, three days in a tomb, and something about an apple, but they completely gloss over the gory Bible scenes that just might turn this thousand-year-old tome of arguable origin into your favorite book.
The Bible features old men cutting off their boils, babies getting smashed into rocks, and A LOT of rape. It’s basically a very long prequel to A Serbian Film. If any of the passages that we’ve collected strike your fancy, pick up a Bible at your local bookstore or hotel.
Once you read some of the blood soaked and grisly stories from the Bible that we’ve cherry picked for you, the phrase “going Old Testament” will never be the same again. But it’s not just the first half of the good book that’s born out of a psychopath’s dream, the New Testament has plenty of stomach churning obscurities for you to gross yourself out with. Whether you prefer winged monsters rising from a pit filled with blood, or hundred year old women circumcising children with a sharp rock, there’s something in these brutal stories from the Bible just for you.
King Solomon Has Some Strange Views on Child Care
And the king said, Bring me a sword. And they brought a sword before the king. And the king said, Divide the living child in two, and give half to the one, and half to the other.
When two "harlots" approach King Solomon with a tricky question about who owns a baby, his suggestion is simply to cut the baby in half. The baby is ultimately fine, given that the "true" mother of the child revealed herself through her compassion, but what if she hadn't have spoken up? Let your imagination run with that one.
Great idea Solomon. How are you going to solve the single-payer healthcare issue?
Job Scrapes His Boils Off
So went Satan forth from the presence of the LORD, and smote Job with sore boils from the sole of his foot unto his crown. And he took him a potsherd to scrape himself withal; and he sat down among the ashes.
If you've ever seen Cabin Fever then you know exactly what Job is going through in this verse. After Satan covers Job's body with boils, Job takes a broken piece of a ceramic pot and SCRAPES THEM OFF. And if that wasn't bad enough, Job sits down in a pile of ash. Can you say "infection?"
Crushing Up 127,000 Soldiers in a Single Blow
And so it was, that in the seventh day the battle was joined: and the children of Israel slew of the Syrians an hundred thousand footmen in one day. But the rest fled to Aphek, into the city; and there a wall fell upon twenty and seven thousand of the men that were left.
There's a lot of fighting in the Old Testament, and not only is it incredibly violent, but some of seems like it was written by the guys in Monty Python. "Hey Jebidiah, how did that battle end?" "Oh the usual way, a wall fell on a bunch of soldiers out of nowhere."
Smells Like Children
And the king said unto her, What aileth thee? And she answered, This woman said unto me, Give thy son, that we may eat him to day, and we will eat my son to morrow. So we boiled my son, and did eat him: and I said unto her on the next day, Give thy son, that we may eat him: and she hath hid her son.
Little known fact: Albert Fish was actually the author of 2 Kings. The best part about this nightmare scenario isn't that the mother is horrified that she ate her son, but that she didn't get to eat sweet baby meat two days in a row.