Dark Shadows Movie Quotes 

Movie and TV Quotes
Updated June 8, 2017 356 votes 159 voters 59.4k views 10 items

'Dark Shadows' movie quotes are, not surprisingly, hilarious. The best lines from this 2012, Tim Burton-directed fantasy comedy based on the classic soap opera 'Dark Shadows' include several funny quips from Johnny Depp. In 'Dark Shadows,' Depp plays rich playboy Barnabas Collins. Barnabas is living the good life in the late-1700s when he breaks the heart of a powerful witch. She turns him into a vampire and buries him alive, where he remains until 1972. Then, he emerges to find that the world has changed dramatically over the past 200 years. See a favorite quote from 'Dark Shadows' on this list? Vote it up! And, if you have a personal favorite line from 'Dark Shadows' that isn't listed here, be sure to add it.

'Dark Shadows' is based on the ABC gothic soap opera created by Dan Curtis. The big screen version is directed by Tim Burton, with the script written by Seth Grahame-Smith ('Pride and Prejudice and Zombies,' 'Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter'). In addition to Johnny Depp, 'Dark Shadows' also stars Eva Green as Angelique Bouchard, the witch who curses Barnabas. When Barnabas is freed from his coffin, he meets the new inhabitants of Collinwood Manor. All are his descendants, and all have huge secrets and issues of their own. They include Elizabeth Collins Stoddard (Michelle Pfeiffer), Jonny Lee Miller as Elizabeth's brother, Roger Collins, Chloe Moretz as Elizabeth's teen daughter, Carolyn Stoddard, Jackie Earle Haley as Collinwood Manor's caretaker, Willie Loomis and Helena Bonham Carter as Elizabeth's psychiatrist, Dr. Julia Hoffman.

Looking for more great movie quotes? Check out these pages for the best lines from 'The Raven,' 'The Cabin in the Woods,' 'The Avengers,' 'The Five-Year Engagement,' 'The Moth Diaries,' 'The Hunger Games,' 'Chronicle,' 'Project X,' 'Silent House,' 'The Rum Diary,' and 'The Woman in Black.'
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We Have a Chevy
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Barnabas Collins: "How soon can the horses be ready?"
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: "We don't have horses, we have a Chevy."

Barnabas, not surprisingly, has a bit of trouble adjusting to life in the early-1970s. What's a Chevy, exactly?
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Place Your Lips Upon My Posterior
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Angelique Bouchard: "Hello, Barnabas. Remember me?"
Barnabas Collins: "Witch! You cursed me to be this hideous creature! You may strategically place your wonderful lips upon my posterior and kiss it repeatedly!"

When Barnabas emerges from his coffin, he finds that Angelique (Eva Green), the witch who condemned him hundreds of years ago, has become one of the most powerful people in Collinsport. A power struggle is coming -- a big one.
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Stoning Me
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Carolyn Stoddard: "Are you stoned or something?"
Barnabas Collins: "They tried stoning me, my dear. It did not work."

Carolyn Stoddard (Chloe Moretz) is the rebellious teen daughter of the family. She takes an instant dislike to Barnabas -- but she hates everything. That includes 200-year-old vampire relatives.
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Birthing Hips
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Barnabas Collins: "What is your age, if I may?"
Carolyn Stoddard: "Fifteen."
Barnabas Collins: "Fifteen, and no husband? You must put those birthing hips to good use at once, lest your womb shrivel up and die."
Carolyn Stoddard: "You're weird."

Telling Barnabas Collins he's "weird" is actually a compliment, of sorts. Barnabas has definitely got a hang-up about birthing hips, including those belonging to 10-year-old David Collins' governess, Victoria (Bella Heathcote).
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