Unspeakable Crimes If You Believe In Pizzagate, You're A Willful Moron  

Hugh Landman
293 votes 77 voters 4.2k views 13 items

List Rules Vote up the most outlandish theories people believe about the Pizzagate scandal.

The Comet Ping Pong pizza pedophile conspiracy theories epitomize the term conspiracy theory: a story based on little evidence, spurious connections, and "facts" that are completely made up. Debunking the Pizzagate conspiracy theory proves to be fairly easy, as most of the "facts" behind this controversy came from the same 4chan geniuses who gave the world the Chester Bennington pedophilia conspiracy. The Pizzagate conspiracy began when Wikileaks leaked emails from Hillary Clinton staffer John Podesta. Among his emails were messages between Podesta and James Alefantis, owner of Comet Ping Pong pizza parlor. The James Alefantis conspiracy stemmed from his own work with Democratic fundraisers and his ex-boyfriend, another prominent Democrat.

Thus, when the Pizzagate emails arrived, bottom-feeders on Reddit and 4chan spun a (dumb) story that Comet pizza was the site of a child sex ring. Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, the Comet pizza sex ring scandal took off, igniting conspiracies about Barack Obama, the Clintons, and even talk of Satanist involvement. Government officials from the US all the way to Turkey pushed the theory as fact, leading to one armed citizen actually walking into Comet Ping Pong and opening fire. While thankfully no one was hurt by this debacle, the same cannot be said for human dignity.

1 39 VOTES

The Basement Thesis Is Malarkey

The Basement Thesis Is Malarke... is listed (or ranked) 1 on the list If You Believe In Pizzagate, You're A Willful Moron
Photo:  Newell Post /Wikimedia/Public Domain

Conspiracy theory: Believers of the Pizzagate conspiracy assert that a Democratic donor named James Alefantis is a pedophile, operating an underage sex ring from the basement of his pizza parlor, Comet Ping Pong. As evidence, theorists cite photos from Alefantis's Instagram showing kids in the restaurant along with modern art he hangs in the establishment.

Why it's nonsense: No basement exists at Comet Ping Pong. With no basement to speak of, the entire plot of the conspiracy - a man with connections to the Democratic Party runs a child sex ring out of his basement - really falls apart.

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2 15 VOTES

A Fake Re-Dubbed Video Circulated By Turkish Media

A Fake Re-Dubbed Video Circula... is listed (or ranked) 2 on the list If You Believe In Pizzagate, You're A Willful Moron
Photo:  The White House/Wikimedia/Public Domain

Conspiracy theory: As the theory picked up steam in the United States, it also found traction in Turkey, where a whole new wave of "evidence" about Pizzagate came to light. According to conspiracy theorists, then Vice-President Joe Biden admitted to sexually abusing a senator's daughter, with even a video to going along to support the claims. 

Why it's nonsense: The video that supposedly shows Biden's confession was actually a swearing in ceremony for Senator Chris Coons. Originally, the video was in English but Turkish media outlets dubbed it into Turkish to claim Biden abused children which he obviously wasn't.

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3 41 VOTES

There Is No Link To Hillary Clinton

There Is No Link To Hillary Cl... is listed (or ranked) 3 on the list If You Believe In Pizzagate, You're A Willful Moron
Photo:  U.S. Department of State/Wikimedia/Public Domain

Conspiracy theory: Conspiracy theorists believe the Comet Ping Pong child sex ring reaches the highest rings of power in the Democratic Party. In fact, they claim it leads all the way to 2016 Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton. As evidence for this, conspiracy theorists refer back to emails (always the emails) from campaign manager John Podesta after his account was hacked. Podesta exchanged emaild with James Alefantis, a frequent donor to the Democratic party and owner of pizza restaurant Comet Ping Pong; from there, an army of trolls, pranksters from 4chan, and Alt-Right Internet personalities attributed a wide variety of crimes and depraved acts to Alefantis and linked him with Clinton.

Why it's nonsense: The fact remains Alefantis has never met Hillary Clinton, and none of the leaked emails give any indication whatsoever that he did anything wrong. What's more, nothing links the pizza shop owner to Clinton aside from emails to one of her employees. 

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4 31 VOTES

Associating Comet Ping Pong With Satanism

Associating Comet Ping Pong Wi... is listed (or ranked) 4 on the list If You Believe In Pizzagate, You're A Willful Moron
Photo: Wikimedia

Conspiracy theory: Comet Ping Pong, the pizza restaurant at the center of the Pizzagate conspiracy theory, is owned by a Democratic donor and was a stop for Clinton and Obama campaign manager John Podesta starting in the 2008 campaign. In order to establish a link between the restaurant and child-sex trafficking, 4chan posters postulated the moon iconography seen on the parlor's logo stood for Satanic symbols. They came to this conclusion after seeing similar lunar images on other Satanic pieces.

Why its nonsense: If you give it a little thought, a simple explanation exists as to why a restaurant called Comet Ping Pong has a moon in its logo: comets are found in space, where the moon and stars also exist. Blows your mind, doesn't it?

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