List Rules Vote for the funniest Demetri Martin quotes. If your favorite is missing, feel free to add it to the list.
There's no question that Demetri Martin has come up with some of the funniest one-liners in the history of modern comedy, but which are his absolute best jokes? Citing Steven Wright as one of his influences, Martin often delivers his one liners while playing guitar, which can best be seen on his special called "These Are Jokes." Demetri has been performing comedy for over 15 years, and in that time he's written some of the best one-liners of all time. His subject matter covers everything from batteries to swimming pools, and everything in between. What are Demitri Martin's best lines? Cast your votes here.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, i'm sorry, I thought you were someone else. And I said, I am.
If I had a bookstore, I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.
A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.
One time, I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
I need to develop some patience — immediately.
Whenever i'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
I bought a dictionary, and the first thing I did was look up dictionary… it said “you’re an assh*le.”
‘employee of the month’ is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies.
I was making pancakes the other day, and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.
This summer I learned that there’s a difference between peeing in the pool and peeing into the pool.
I wonder what the word for dots looks like in braille.
I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.
When you have a fat friend, there are no see-saws… only catapults.
I saw a transvestite wearing a t-shirt that said 'guess.'
If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead… it’s a sh*t life.
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces, and when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
About a month ago, I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like, "damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.”
I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said "happy birthday." I didn’t want to waste it, so I just wrote "jesus" on it.
I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird shit all over them.
When you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you’re saying: "hope I don’t get chased today."
Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said if you need anything, i'm jill. I've never met anyone with a conditional identity before.
Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them.
Hiking is just walking where it’s OK to pee.
I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now I don’t have to hold things when I sleep.
Saying 'i'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.
When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy… "what's he doing?" "eating ants." "done!"
I think it’s interesting that ‘cologne’ rhymes with ‘alone.’
If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat.
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.
I bought a clock, and then the big hand broke off it. I didn’t want to throw it away, so I just added -ish to every number.
It is illegal to yell “fire” in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like “flames!” Or “smoke maker!” Or “bad hot!
Hot potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving.
Fact: the plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.
I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word 'fortnight.'
I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something, it's at least a little bit funny.
I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker; I just really like certain songs.
I’m afraid of sharks – but only in a water situation.
A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. "dude, make a left. Those are trees. Trust me."
My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.
Hotel conundrum: the continental breakfast. What is it that makes continents so sh*tty at providing an adequate breakfast?
I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word "dude." "dude, these are isotopes." "dude, we removed your kidney."
To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says hey, let's never hang out.