List Rules Vote for the funniest Demetri Martin quotes. If your favorite is missing, feel free to add it to the list.
There's no question that Demetri Martin has come up with some of the funniest one-liners in the history of modern comedy, but which are his absolute best jokes? Citing Steven Wright as one of his influences, Martin often delivers his one liners while playing guitar, which can best be seen on his special called "These Are Jokes." Demetri has been performing comedy for over 15 years, and in that time he's written some of the best one-liners of all time. His subject matter covers everything from batteries to swimming pools, and everything in between. What are Demitri Martin's best lines? Cast your votes here.
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The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
This summer I learned that there’s a difference between peeing in the pool and peeing into the pool.
If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead… it’s a shit life.
About a month ago, I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like, "damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.”
When you have a fat friend, there are no see-saws… only catapults.
I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird shit all over them.
I was making pancakes the other day, and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.
I wonder what the word for dots looks like in braille.
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies.
Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
I saw a transvestite wearing a t-shirt that said 'guess.'
Saying 'i'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.
I wrapped my christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said "happy birthday." I didn’t want to waste it, so I just wrote "jesus" on it.
When you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you’re saying: "hope I don’t get chased today."
When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy… "what's he doing?" "eating ants." "done!"