Entertainment

The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners 

Chris Abraham
Updated May 24, 2018 21k votes 1.8k voters 73.1k views 56 items

List Rules Vote for the funniest Demetri Martin quotes. If your favorite is missing, feel free to add it to the list.

There's no question that Demetri Martin has come up with some of the funniest one-liners in the history of modern comedy, but which are his absolute best jokes? Citing Steven Wright as one of his influences, Martin often delivers his one liners while playing guitar, which can best be seen on his special called "These Are Jokes." Demetri has been performing comedy for over 15 years, and in that time he's written some of the best one-liners of all time. His subject matter covers everything from batteries to swimming pools, and everything in between. What are Demitri Martin's best lines? Cast your votes here. 
list ordered by
1
The worst time to have a... is listed (or ranked) 1 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
2
I was on the street. Thi... is listed (or ranked) 2 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, i'm sorry, I thought you were someone else. And I said, I am.
3
A know-it-all is a perso... is listed (or ranked) 3 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
4
If I had a bookstore, I ... is listed (or ranked) 4 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
If I had a bookstore, I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.
5
I think one of the most ... is listed (or ranked) 5 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.
6
The easiest time to add ... is listed (or ranked) 6 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.
7
One time, I was riding t... is listed (or ranked) 7 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
One time, I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
8
Whenever i'm on my compu... is listed (or ranked) 8 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
Whenever i'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
9
I need to develop some p... is listed (or ranked) 9 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I need to develop some patience — immediately.
10
‘employee of the month’ ... is listed (or ranked) 10 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
‘employee of the month’ is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
11
I bought a dictionary, a... is listed (or ranked) 11 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I bought a dictionary, and the first thing I did was look up dictionary… it said “you’re an assh*le.”
12
When you have a fat frie... is listed (or ranked) 12 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
When you have a fat friend, there are no see-saws… only catapults.
13
I used to play sports. T... is listed (or ranked) 13 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies.
14
The bird, the bee, the r... is listed (or ranked) 14 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
15
This summer I learned th... is listed (or ranked) 15 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
This summer I learned that there’s a difference between peeing in the pool and peeing into the pool.
16
I wanna buy a bunch of h... is listed (or ranked) 16 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.
17
I wonder what the word f... is listed (or ranked) 17 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I wonder what the word for dots looks like in braille.
18
I saw a transvestite wea... is listed (or ranked) 18 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I saw a transvestite wearing a t-shirt that said 'guess.'
19
I was making pancakes th... is listed (or ranked) 19 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I was making pancakes the other day, and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.
20
I wanna make a jigsaw pu... is listed (or ranked) 20 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces, and when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
21
If you’re a battery, you... is listed (or ranked) 21 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead… it’s a sh*t life.
22
About a month ago, I got... is listed (or ranked) 22 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
About a month ago, I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like, "damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.”
23
I think statues are grea... is listed (or ranked) 23 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird shit all over them.
24
I went into a clothes st... is listed (or ranked) 24 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said if you need anything, i'm jill. I've never met anyone with a conditional identity before.
25
I wrapped my Christmas p... is listed (or ranked) 25 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said "happy birthday." I didn’t want to waste it, so I just wrote "jesus" on it.