List Rules Vote for the funniest Demetri Martin quotes. If your favorite is missing, feel free to add it to the list.
There's no question that Demetri Martin has come up with some of the funniest one-liners in the history of modern comedy, but which are his absolute best jokes? Citing Steven Wright as one of his influences, Martin often delivers his one liners while playing guitar, which can best be seen on his special called "These Are Jokes." Demetri has been performing comedy for over 15 years, and in that time he's written some of the best one-liners of all time. His subject matter covers everything from batteries to swimming pools, and everything in between. What are Demitri Martin's best lines? Cast your votes here.
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The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
When you have a fat friend, there are no see-saws… only catapults.
I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird shit all over them.
I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.
Saying 'i'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.
I need to develop some patience — immediately.
I wonder what the word for dots looks like in braille.
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies.
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
I was making pancakes the other day, and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.
Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
Hiking is just walking where it’s OK to pee.
When you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you’re saying: "hope I don’t get chased today."
I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now I don’t have to hold things when I sleep.
Fact: the plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.