Funny The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners  

Chris Abraham
20.4k votes 1.7k voters 68.6k views 56 items

List Rules Vote for the funniest Demetri Martin quotes. If your favorite is missing, feel free to add it to the list.

There's no question that Demetri Martin has come up with some of the funniest one-liners in the history of modern comedy, but which are his absolute best jokes? Citing Steven Wright as one of his influences, Martin often delivers his one liners while playing guitar, which can best be seen on his special called "These Are Jokes." Demetri has been performing comedy for over 15 years, and in that time he's written some of the best one-liners of all time. His subject matter covers everything from batteries to swimming pools, and everything in between. What are Demitri Martin's best lines? Cast your votes here. 
list ordered by
1
738 93
The worst time to have a heart... is listed (or ranked) 1 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
2
565 120
I was on the street. This guy ... is listed (or ranked) 2 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, i'm sorry, I thought you were someone else. And I said, I am.
3
513 106
A know-it-all is a person who ... is listed (or ranked) 3 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
4
512 107
If I had a bookstore, I would ... is listed (or ranked) 4 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
If I had a bookstore, I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.
5
501 132
I think one of the most ground... is listed (or ranked) 5 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.
6
430 110
The easiest time to add insult... is listed (or ranked) 6 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.
7
435 126
One time, I was riding the esc... is listed (or ranked) 7 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
One time, I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
8
350 92
I need to develop some patienc... is listed (or ranked) 8 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I need to develop some patience — immediately.
9
381 111
Whenever i'm on my compute... is listed (or ranked) 9 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
Whenever i'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
10
302 85
The bird, the bee, the running... is listed (or ranked) 10 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
11
313 92
I used to play sports. Then I ... is listed (or ranked) 11 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies.
12
360 117
‘employee of the month’ is a g... is listed (or ranked) 12 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
‘employee of the month’ is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
13
364 121
I bought a dictionary, and the... is listed (or ranked) 13 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I bought a dictionary, and the first thing I did was look up dictionary… it said “you’re an assh*le.”
14
287 82
I was making pancakes the othe... is listed (or ranked) 14 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I was making pancakes the other day, and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.
15
295 90
I wonder what the word for dot... is listed (or ranked) 15 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I wonder what the word for dots looks like in braille.
16
326 109
This summer I learned that the... is listed (or ranked) 16 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
This summer I learned that there’s a difference between peeing in the pool and peeing into the pool.
17
333 113
I wanna buy a bunch of hermit ... is listed (or ranked) 17 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.
18
362 130
When you have a fat friend, th... is listed (or ranked) 18 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
When you have a fat friend, there are no see-saws… only catapults.
19
306 101
I saw a transvestite wearing a... is listed (or ranked) 19 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I saw a transvestite wearing a t-shirt that said 'guess.'
20
303 105
If you’re a battery, you’re ei... is listed (or ranked) 20 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead… it’s a sh*t life.
21
316 113
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle t... is listed (or ranked) 21 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces, and when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
22
252 81
I wrapped my Christmas present... is listed (or ranked) 22 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said "happy birthday." I didn’t want to waste it, so I just wrote "jesus" on it.
23
317 119
About a month ago, I got a cac... is listed (or ranked) 23 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
About a month ago, I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like, "damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.”
24
303 113
I think statues are great; the... is listed (or ranked) 24 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird shit all over them.
25
267 102
Glitter is the herpes of craft... is listed (or ranked) 25 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.