Entertainment

The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners  

Chris Abraham
20.9k votes 1.8k voters 72.5k views 56 items

List Rules Vote for the funniest Demetri Martin quotes. If your favorite is missing, feel free to add it to the list.

There's no question that Demetri Martin has come up with some of the funniest one-liners in the history of modern comedy, but which are his absolute best jokes? Citing Steven Wright as one of his influences, Martin often delivers his one liners while playing guitar, which can best be seen on his special called "These Are Jokes." Demetri has been performing comedy for over 15 years, and in that time he's written some of the best one-liners of all time. His subject matter covers everything from batteries to swimming pools, and everything in between. What are Demitri Martin's best lines? Cast your votes here. 
list ordered by
1
The worst time to have a heart... is listed (or ranked) 1 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
2
If I had a bookstore, I would ... is listed (or ranked) 2 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
If I had a bookstore, I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.
3
I was on the street. This guy ... is listed (or ranked) 3 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, i'm sorry, I thought you were someone else. And I said, I am.
4
A know-it-all is a person who ... is listed (or ranked) 4 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
5
The easiest time to add insult... is listed (or ranked) 5 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.
6
I think one of the most ground... is listed (or ranked) 6 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.
7
I need to develop some patienc... is listed (or ranked) 7 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I need to develop some patience — immediately.
8
One time, I was riding the esc... is listed (or ranked) 8 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
One time, I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
9
The bird, the bee, the running... is listed (or ranked) 9 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
10
Whenever i'm on my compute... is listed (or ranked) 10 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
Whenever i'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
11
I used to play sports. Then I ... is listed (or ranked) 11 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies.
12
I was making pancakes the othe... is listed (or ranked) 12 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I was making pancakes the other day, and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.
13
I wonder what the word for dot... is listed (or ranked) 13 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I wonder what the word for dots looks like in braille.
14
‘employee of the month’ is a g... is listed (or ranked) 14 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
‘employee of the month’ is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
15
I bought a dictionary, and the... is listed (or ranked) 15 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I bought a dictionary, and the first thing I did was look up dictionary… it said “you’re an assh*le.”
16
I wrapped my Christmas present... is listed (or ranked) 16 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said "happy birthday." I didn’t want to waste it, so I just wrote "jesus" on it.
17
This summer I learned that the... is listed (or ranked) 17 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
This summer I learned that there’s a difference between peeing in the pool and peeing into the pool.
18
I saw a transvestite wearing a... is listed (or ranked) 18 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I saw a transvestite wearing a t-shirt that said 'guess.'
19
I wanna buy a bunch of hermit ... is listed (or ranked) 19 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.
20
If you’re a battery, you’re ei... is listed (or ranked) 20 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead… it’s a sh*t life.
21
When you have a fat friend, th... is listed (or ranked) 21 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
When you have a fat friend, there are no see-saws… only catapults.
22
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle t... is listed (or ranked) 22 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces, and when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
23
Relationships, like eyebrows, ... is listed (or ranked) 23 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them.
24
When you get dressed in the mo... is listed (or ranked) 24 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
When you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you’re saying: "hope I don’t get chased today."
25
I think statues are great; the... is listed (or ranked) 25 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird shit all over them.