jokes The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners  

Chris Abraham
19.4k votes 1.6k voters 61.5k views 56 items

List Rules Vote for the funniest Demetri Martin quotes. If your favorite is missing, feel free to add it to the list.

There's no question that Demetri Martin has come up with some of the funniest one-liners in the history of modern comedy, but which are his absolute best jokes? Citing Steven Wright as one of his influences, Martin often delivers his one liners while playing guitar, which can best be seen on his special called "These Are Jokes." Demetri has been performing comedy for over 15 years, and in that time he's written some of the best one-liners of all time. His subject matter covers everything from batteries to swimming pools, and everything in between. What are Demitri Martin's best lines? Cast your votes here. 
list ordered by

1
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The worst time to have a heart... is listed (or ranked) 1 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

2
529 114
I was on the street. This guy ... is listed (or ranked) 2 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, i'm sorry, I thought you were someone else. And I said, I am.

3
489 101
If I had a bookstore, I would ... is listed (or ranked) 3 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
If I had a bookstore, I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.

4
486 102
A know-it-all is a person who ... is listed (or ranked) 4 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.

5
470 129
I think one of the most ground... is listed (or ranked) 5 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.

6
410 105
The easiest time to add insult... is listed (or ranked) 6 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.

7
410 121
One time, I was riding the esc... is listed (or ranked) 7 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
One time, I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

8
328 85
I need to develop some patienc... is listed (or ranked) 8 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I need to develop some patience — immediately.

9
363 108
Whenever i'm on my compute... is listed (or ranked) 9 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
Whenever i'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.

10
298 88
I used to play sports. Then I ... is listed (or ranked) 10 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies.

11
286 82
The bird, the bee, the running... is listed (or ranked) 11 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

12
346 116
‘employee of the month’ is a g... is listed (or ranked) 12 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
‘employee of the month’ is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

13
349 118
I bought a dictionary, and the... is listed (or ranked) 13 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I bought a dictionary, and the first thing I did was look up dictionary… it said “you’re an asshole.”

14
270 77
I was making pancakes the othe... is listed (or ranked) 14 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I was making pancakes the other day, and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

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15
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This summer I learned that the... is listed (or ranked) 15 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
This summer I learned that there’s a difference between peeing in the pool and peeing into the pool.

16
321 108
I wanna buy a bunch of hermit ... is listed (or ranked) 16 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.

17
280 88
I wonder what the word for dot... is listed (or ranked) 17 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I wonder what the word for dots looks like in braille.

18
292 97
I saw a transvestite wearing a... is listed (or ranked) 18 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I saw a transvestite wearing a t-shirt that said 'guess.'

19
347 128
When you have a fat friend, th... is listed (or ranked) 19 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
When you have a fat friend, there are no see-saws… only catapults.

20
288 103
If you’re a battery, you’re ei... is listed (or ranked) 20 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead… it’s a shit life.

21
305 114
About a month ago, I got a cac... is listed (or ranked) 21 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
About a month ago, I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like, "damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.”

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22
300 113
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle t... is listed (or ranked) 22 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces, and when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

23
292 110
I think statues are great; the... is listed (or ranked) 23 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird shit all over them.

24
236 79
I wrapped my christmas present... is listed (or ranked) 24 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I wrapped my christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said "happy birthday." I didn’t want to waste it, so I just wrote "jesus" on it.

25
251 99
Glitter is the herpes of craft... is listed (or ranked) 25 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

26
222 82
When you get dressed in the mo... is listed (or ranked) 26 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
When you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you’re saying: "hope I don’t get chased today."

27
199 70
Relationships, like eyebrows, ... is listed (or ranked) 27 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them.

28
314 143
I went into a clothes store an... is listed (or ranked) 28 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said if you need anything, i'm jill. I've never met anyone with a conditional identity before.

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29
219 83
Hiking is just walking where i... is listed (or ranked) 29 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
Hiking is just walking where it’s OK to pee.

30
227 97
I bought a new pair of pajamas... is listed (or ranked) 30 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now I don’t have to hold things when I sleep.

31
245 111
Saying 'i'm sorry'... is listed (or ranked) 31 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
Saying 'i'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

32
212 92
When they were naming the anim... is listed (or ranked) 32 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy… "what's he doing?" "eating ants." "done!"

33
207 91
If you can't tell a spoon ... is listed (or ranked) 33 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat.

34
204 90
I think it’s interesting that ... is listed (or ranked) 34 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I think it’s interesting that ‘cologne’ rhymes with ‘alone.’

35
175 72
The digital camera is a great ... is listed (or ranked) 35 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

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36
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I bought a clock, and then the... is listed (or ranked) 36 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I bought a clock, and then the big hand broke off it. I didn’t want to throw it away, so I just added -ish to every number.

37
205 99
It is illegal to yell “fire” i... is listed (or ranked) 37 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
It is illegal to yell “fire” in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like “flames!” Or “smoke maker!” Or “bad hot!

38
185 85
Siamese twins are interesting ... is listed (or ranked) 38 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

39
172 77
Hot potato is a very different... is listed (or ranked) 39 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
Hot potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving.

40
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Fact: the plastic knife is per... is listed (or ranked) 40 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
Fact: the plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

41
178 105
I like when good things happen... is listed (or ranked) 41 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word 'fortnight.'

42
182 113
I think they should put pies o... is listed (or ranked) 42 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something, it's at least a little bit funny.

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I keep a lighter in my back po... is listed (or ranked) 43 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker; I just really like certain songs.

44
138 86
A drunk driver is very dangero... is listed (or ranked) 44 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. "dude, make a left. Those are trees. Trust me."

45
152 99
I’m afraid of sharks – but onl... is listed (or ranked) 45 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I’m afraid of sharks – but only in a water situation.

46
130 81
Never be less interesting than... is listed (or ranked) 46 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

47
128 82
Hotel conundrum: the continent... is listed (or ranked) 47 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
Hotel conundrum: the continental breakfast. What is it that makes continents so shitty at providing an adequate breakfast?

48
140 93
My plumbing is all screwed up.... is listed (or ranked) 48 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

49
126 83
I wonder what the most intelli... is listed (or ranked) 49 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word "dude." "dude, these are isotopes." "dude, we removed your kidney."

50
114 85
To me a bumper sticker is a sh... is listed (or ranked) 50 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says hey, let's never hang out.