Comedy The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners  

Chris Abraham
20k votes 1.6k voters 64.7k views 56 items

List Rules Vote for the funniest Demetri Martin quotes. If your favorite is missing, feel free to add it to the list.

There's no question that Demetri Martin has come up with some of the funniest one-liners in the history of modern comedy, but which are his absolute best jokes? Citing Steven Wright as one of his influences, Martin often delivers his one liners while playing guitar, which can best be seen on his special called "These Are Jokes." Demetri has been performing comedy for over 15 years, and in that time he's written some of the best one-liners of all time. His subject matter covers everything from batteries to swimming pools, and everything in between. What are Demitri Martin's best lines? Cast your votes here. 

1
718 90
The worst time to have a heart... is listed (or ranked) 1 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

2
550 118
I was on the street. This guy ... is listed (or ranked) 2 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, i'm sorry, I thought you were someone else. And I said, I am.

3
504 105
If I had a bookstore, I would ... is listed (or ranked) 3 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
If I had a bookstore, I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.

4
504 106
A know-it-all is a person who ... is listed (or ranked) 4 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.

5
486 132
I think one of the most ground... is listed (or ranked) 5 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.

6
422 107
The easiest time to add insult... is listed (or ranked) 6 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.

7
426 125
One time, I was riding the esc... is listed (or ranked) 7 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
One time, I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

8
338 91
I need to develop some patienc... is listed (or ranked) 8 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I need to develop some patience — immediately.

9
374 111
Whenever i'm on my compute... is listed (or ranked) 9 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
Whenever i'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.

10
297 84
The bird, the bee, the running... is listed (or ranked) 10 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

11
356 117
‘employee of the month’ is a g... is listed (or ranked) 11 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
‘employee of the month’ is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

12
307 92
I used to play sports. Then I ... is listed (or ranked) 12 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies.

13
359 120
I bought a dictionary, and the... is listed (or ranked) 13 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I bought a dictionary, and the first thing I did was look up dictionary… it said “you’re an assh*le.”

14
280 82
I was making pancakes the othe... is listed (or ranked) 14 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I was making pancakes the other day, and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

15
291 90
I wonder what the word for dot... is listed (or ranked) 15 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I wonder what the word for dots looks like in braille.

16
321 108
This summer I learned that the... is listed (or ranked) 16 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
This summer I learned that there’s a difference between peeing in the pool and peeing into the pool.

17
328 112
I wanna buy a bunch of hermit ... is listed (or ranked) 17 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.

18
357 129
When you have a fat friend, th... is listed (or ranked) 18 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
When you have a fat friend, there are no see-saws… only catapults.

19
300 101
I saw a transvestite wearing a... is listed (or ranked) 19 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I saw a transvestite wearing a t-shirt that said 'guess.'

20
300 104
If you’re a battery, you’re ei... is listed (or ranked) 20 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead… it’s a sh*t life.

21
310 113
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle t... is listed (or ranked) 21 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces, and when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

22
312 118
About a month ago, I got a cac... is listed (or ranked) 22 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
About a month ago, I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like, "damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.”

23
245 80
I wrapped my Christmas present... is listed (or ranked) 23 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said "happy birthday." I didn’t want to waste it, so I just wrote "jesus" on it.

24
298 112
I think statues are great; the... is listed (or ranked) 24 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird shit all over them.

25
234 82
When you get dressed in the mo... is listed (or ranked) 25 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
When you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you’re saying: "hope I don’t get chased today."

26
261 101
Glitter is the herpes of craft... is listed (or ranked) 26 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

27
325 143
I went into a clothes store an... is listed (or ranked) 27 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said if you need anything, i'm jill. I've never met anyone with a conditional identity before.

28
205 71
Relationships, like eyebrows, ... is listed (or ranked) 28 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them.

29
224 85
Hiking is just walking where i... is listed (or ranked) 29 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
Hiking is just walking where it’s OK to pee.

30
235 99
I bought a new pair of pajamas... is listed (or ranked) 30 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now I don’t have to hold things when I sleep.

31
250 113
Saying 'i'm sorry'... is listed (or ranked) 31 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
Saying 'i'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

32
218 93
When they were naming the anim... is listed (or ranked) 32 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy… "what's he doing?" "eating ants." "done!"

33
209 91
I think it’s interesting that ... is listed (or ranked) 33 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I think it’s interesting that ‘cologne’ rhymes with ‘alone.’

34
211 94
If you can't tell a spoon ... is listed (or ranked) 34 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat.

35
179 74
The digital camera is a great ... is listed (or ranked) 35 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

36
194 85
Siamese twins are interesting ... is listed (or ranked) 36 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

37
192 85
I bought a clock, and then the... is listed (or ranked) 37 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I bought a clock, and then the big hand broke off it. I didn’t want to throw it away, so I just added -ish to every number.

38
210 101
It is illegal to yell “fire” i... is listed (or ranked) 38 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
It is illegal to yell “fire” in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like “flames!” Or “smoke maker!” Or “bad hot!

39
176 78
Hot potato is a very different... is listed (or ranked) 39 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
Hot potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving.

40
192 91
Fact: the plastic knife is per... is listed (or ranked) 40 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
Fact: the plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

41
182 108
I like when good things happen... is listed (or ranked) 41 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word 'fortnight.'

42
187 115
I think they should put pies o... is listed (or ranked) 42 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something, it's at least a little bit funny.

43
158 101
I’m afraid of sharks – but onl... is listed (or ranked) 43 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I’m afraid of sharks – but only in a water situation.

44
172 114
I keep a lighter in my back po... is listed (or ranked) 44 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker; I just really like certain songs.

45
142 89
A drunk driver is very dangero... is listed (or ranked) 45 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. "dude, make a left. Those are trees. Trust me."

46
134 84
Never be less interesting than... is listed (or ranked) 46 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

47
146 95
My plumbing is all screwed up.... is listed (or ranked) 47 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

48
131 86
Hotel conundrum: the continent... is listed (or ranked) 48 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
Hotel conundrum: the continental breakfast. What is it that makes continents so sh*tty at providing an adequate breakfast?

49
131 86
I wonder what the most intelli... is listed (or ranked) 49 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word "dude." "dude, these are isotopes." "dude, we removed your kidney."

50
117 87
To me a bumper sticker is a sh... is listed (or ranked) 50 on the list The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners
To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says hey, let's never hang out.