There's no question that Demetri Martin has come up with some of the funniest one-liners in the history of modern comedy, but which are his absolute best jokes? Citing Steven Wright as one of his influences, Martin often delivers his one liners while playing guitar, which can best be seen on his special called "These Are Jokes." Demetri has been performing comedy for over 15 years, and in that time he's written some of the best one-liners of all time. His subject matter covers everything from batteries to swimming pools, and everything in between. What are Demitri Martin's best lines? Cast your votes here.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, i'm sorry, I thought you were someone else. And I said, I am.
If I had a bookstore, I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.
A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.
One time, I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
I need to develop some patience — immediately.
Whenever i'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies.
I was making pancakes the other day, and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.
‘employee of the month’ is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
I wonder what the word for dots looks like in braille.
I saw a transvestite wearing a t-shirt that said 'guess.'
When you have a fat friend, there are no see-saws… only catapults.
I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said "happy birthday." I didn’t want to waste it, so I just wrote "jesus" on it.
When you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you’re saying: "hope I don’t get chased today."
Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird shit all over them.
About a month ago, I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like, "damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.”
Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them.
Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.
Hiking is just walking where it’s OK to pee.
When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy… "what's he doing?" "eating ants." "done!"