Entertainment

The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners

List Rules
Vote for the funniest Demetri Martin quotes. If your favorite is missing, feel free to add it to the list.
There's no question that Demetri Martin has come up with some of the funniest one-liners in the history of modern comedy, but which are his absolute best jokes? Citing Steven Wright as one of his influences, Martin often delivers his one liners while playing guitar, which can best be seen on his special called "These Are Jokes." Demetri has been performing comedy for over 15 years, and in that time he's written some of the best one-liners of all time. His subject matter covers everything from batteries to swimming pools, and everything in between. What are Demitri Martin's best lines? Cast your votes here. 
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  • The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
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    The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

  • If I had a bookstore, I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.
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    If I had a bookstore, I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.

  • I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, i'm sorry, I thought you were someone else. And I said, I am.
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    I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, i'm sorry, I thought you were someone else. And I said, I am.

  • A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
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    A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.

  • I need to develop some patience — immediately.
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    I need to develop some patience — immediately.

  • One time, I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
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    One time, I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

  • The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.
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    The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.

  • I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.
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    I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.

  • The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
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    The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

  • I was making pancakes the other day, and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.
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    I was making pancakes the other day, and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

  • I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies.
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    I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies.

  • Whenever i'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
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    Whenever i'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.

  • I wonder what the word for dots looks like in braille.
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    I wonder what the word for dots looks like in braille.

  • I bought a dictionary, and the first thing I did was look up dictionary… it said “you’re an assh*le.”
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    I bought a dictionary, and the first thing I did was look up dictionary… it said “you’re an assh*le.”

  • ‘employee of the month’ is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
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    ‘employee of the month’ is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

  • I saw a transvestite wearing a t-shirt that said 'guess.'
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    I saw a transvestite wearing a t-shirt that said 'guess.'

  • When you have a fat friend, there are no see-saws… only catapults.
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    When you have a fat friend, there are no see-saws… only catapults.

  • I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said "happy birthday." I didn’t want to waste it, so I just wrote "jesus" on it.
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    I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said "happy birthday." I didn’t want to waste it, so I just wrote "jesus" on it.

  • I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.
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    I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.

  • This summer I learned that there’s a difference between peeing in the pool and peeing into the pool.
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    This summer I learned that there’s a difference between peeing in the pool and peeing into the pool.

  • If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead… it’s a sh*t life.
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    If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead… it’s a sh*t life.

  • I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces, and when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
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    I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces, and when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

  • I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird shit all over them.
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    I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird shit all over them.

  • About a month ago, I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like, "damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.”
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    About a month ago, I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like, "damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.”

  • When you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you’re saying: "hope I don’t get chased today."
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    When you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you’re saying: "hope I don’t get chased today."