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The Best Demetri Martin One-Liners

Updated May 24, 2018 29.4k votes 1.9k voters 74.1k views55 items

List RulesVote for the funniest Demetri Martin quotes. If your favorite is missing, feel free to add it to the list.

There's no question that Demetri Martin has come up with some of the funniest one-liners in the history of modern comedy, but which are his absolute best jokes? Citing Steven Wright as one of his influences, Martin often delivers his one liners while playing guitar, which can best be seen on his special called "These Are Jokes." Demetri has been performing comedy for over 15 years, and in that time he's written some of the best one-liners of all time. His subject matter covers everything from batteries to swimming pools, and everything in between. What are Demitri Martin's best lines? Cast your votes here. 
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  • 1
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    A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.

  • 2
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    73

    Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

  • 3
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    109

    I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, i'm sorry, I thought you were someone else. And I said, I am.

  • 4
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    I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies.

  • 5
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    183

    I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said "happy birthday." I didn’t want to waste it, so I just wrote "jesus" on it.

  • 6
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    118

    I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.

  • 7
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    I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.

  • 8
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    The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.

  • 9
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    If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead… it’s a sh*t life.

  • 10
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    The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

  • 11
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    110

    One time, I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

  • 12
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    I need to develop some patience — immediately.

  • 13
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    161

    Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them.

  • 14
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    Whenever i'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.

  • 15
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    The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

  • 16
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    Hiking is just walking where it’s OK to pee.

  • 17
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    I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said if you need anything, i'm jill. I've never met anyone with a conditional identity before.

  • 18
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    The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

  • 19
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    215

    When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy… "what's he doing?" "eating ants." "done!"

  • 20
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    Fact: the plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

  • 21
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    If I had a bookstore, I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.

  • 22
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    79

    I think it’s interesting that ‘cologne’ rhymes with ‘alone.’

  • 23
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    204

    A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. "dude, make a left. Those are trees. Trust me."

  • 24
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    My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

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    I was making pancakes the other day, and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.