List Rules Vote for the funniest Demetri Martin quotes. If your favorite is missing, feel free to add it to the list.
There's no question that Demetri Martin has come up with some of the funniest one-liners in the history of modern comedy, but which are his absolute best jokes? Citing Steven Wright as one of his influences, Martin often delivers his one liners while playing guitar, which can best be seen on his special called "These Are Jokes." Demetri has been performing comedy for over 15 years, and in that time he's written some of the best one-liners of all time. His subject matter covers everything from batteries to swimming pools, and everything in between. What are Demitri Martin's best lines? Cast your votes here.
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The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, i'm sorry, I thought you were someone else. And I said, I am.
A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
If I had a bookstore, I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.
I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.
One time, I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
Whenever i'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
I need to develop some patience — immediately.
I bought a dictionary, and the first thing I did was look up dictionary… it said “you’re an asshole.”
‘employee of the month’ is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
When you have a fat friend, there are no see-saws… only catapults.
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies.
I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.
About a month ago, I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like, "damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.”
This summer I learned that there’s a difference between peeing in the pool and peeing into the pool.
I was making pancakes the other day, and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.
I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird shit all over them.
If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead… it’s a shit life.
I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said if you need anything, i'm jill. I've never met anyone with a conditional identity before.