Most of you have no doubt experienced the underage drinking rite-of-passage that is Boone's Farm, Mad Dog 20/20, or other prison wine-esque atrocities; those unforgettable elixirs that taste as if they've been vomited up, run through a strainer, and re-bottled. But how do actual prisoners make wine, when getting a hold of the real thing is out of the question? Is someone smuggling ingredients in to them? Or are they simply brilliantly (and grotesquely) improvising, as only the truly bereft can?
On the other hand, what if you aren't in prison, but really want drugs or alcohol and can't get your hands on them, for whatever reason? (Sharia Law, for instance). Are DIY drugs truly, mind-alteringly legit? Can you actually go online and purchase mushroom spores or plant seeds that, once harvested, will admit you through the jungly, ivy-thick doors of perception?
Making booze out of ketchup and sugar packets, bloated bacteria colonies, and even one's own crotch isn't easy, or anything you should probably ever consider doing, no matter how hard up you are. Unless, of course, you want to know how to make toilet wine so you can open your own Boutique Brooklyn (or Silverlake) watering hole, where thirsty regulars can drink wine directly from toilets while Tweeting about how authentic the experience is.
Read on to find out more than you ever wanted to know about DIY alcohol so nasty it's more like a weapon, and various other homemade drug "solutions" that have altered everyone from bored suburban kids to ISIS militants.
Jenkem: Really Good Snizzle That Gets You High AF But Just FYI Is Made From Wee And Poo
There are industry standards, no matter how harrowing the endeavor in question might be. Drug mules, for example, at least empty their colons before putting their stashes up in them, for practical purposes as much as sanitary ones. But when you're dealing with jenkem, described by this article as an inhalant used in very poor parts of the world ... and in the New York prison system ... as a cheap high, all bets are off.
Author and former prisoner Daniel Ginis describes the substance thus: "To make it takes guts -- literally. You just need a bottle to fill with piss and sh*t, time to let it ferment and methane gas to form, and the courage to inhale it."
No word on what kind of high this produces, but it's obviously not great, because jenkem use and production are rare. "While I did watch a mentally ill man collect the raw materials for jenkem in a dormitory once, it was certainly not a common sight," Ginis writes, apparently by way of reassurance.
Crotch-Brewed Beer: Alcoholic Face Sitting Without All The Genitals
Products (intoxicating or not) made with human body fluids aren't unheard of. In 2011, for example, British ice cream makers made headlines when they tried to launch Baby Gaga, a product crafted from meticulously screened breast milk.
In 2016, a Polish brewery decided to take it a step further by attempting to fund a beer derived from vaginal yeast. "Yoni" is the Sanskrit term for vagina, and the company in question, The Order of Yoni, sought to germinate their DIY product, Bottled Instinct, from the loins of Czech model Alexandra Brendlova, pictured above with the beer. (“We selected a beautiful, very intelligent woman for our first beer, and she personifies beauty, intelligence and will be an inspiration for our future models," a spokesperson said).
That's all well and good, but beer brewed in someone's crotch is still a pretty universally unappetizing proposition. Besides, Yoni has already been beaten to the punch: way back in 2005, a bold entrepreneur named Toi Sennhauser introduced that year's Oktoberfest to Original Pussy Beer, a brew developed in her very own "little oven," to quote Divine from Pink Flamingos.
Drinking Meth-Tainted Pee To Get High Is The New Cool
Waste not, want not. That's the philosophy of some enterprising meth addicts, who believe that one addict's pee is another addict's second chance at a fix. In other words, urine extraction labs are very much a thing: some people "drink the meth-tainted urine to get high, while others use the cooking process to filter the drug back out," according to reports.
It's sad, to be sure, but it doesn't get more DIY than that. To turn the famous Frank Zappa lyric around, "watch out where the huskies go/and don't you smoke that yellow snow."
A Crack Stick Is A Lot Easier To Make Than You Might Think
A crack stick might strike you as a variation of street pixie-stick, or as something requiring complex materials, a basic knowledge of "cooking" techniques, a lot of Pyrex, and a funnel. But none of the above would be true. Crack sticks ... an enterprising way to get blizted out of your skull in prison ... don't actually contain crack at all, and they require very few ingredients.
An article published in The Daily Mail in 2016 detailed the undercover experience of two journalists who spent months in an American prison. During this time, they witnessed the smoking of the sticks, which are nothing more than crushed up e-cigarette filters wrapped in coffee-soaked toilet paper. (In case you're wondering, the headline of the article is "'Crack Stick' Cooked Up in Cells, Attacks Over Hash Browns, and Rampant Gay Sex").