The Best Doctor Jokes

List Rules
Vote up any funny joke about doctors and physicians

A list of doctor jokes and medical humor that will tickle the funny bones of patients and doctors alike. These medical jokes and doctor puns are guaranteed to be gutbusters in any emergency room.

Those of us who never took the Hippocratic Oath love doctor jokes. And why not? At some point in everyone’s life, we all have to go to see a doctor. One might say that our lives begin and end with doctors, but that’s super dark and we don’t really want to go there. Instead, we’ll ask: what's the best part of being a doctor? Is it almost a decade of med school or or is it the free scrubs? The white coats? The fancy car? All the free meds? No way, it’s the jokes! From general practitioners to foot specialists, no physician can resist a good doctor joke.

It’s got to be tough to be a doctor, though. Not only does everyone think you have all the answers, but you work insane hours with little thanks beyond your giant paycheck. What better way to express gratitude than with good-natured medical jokes? From puns to one-liners, we’ve got every funny joke that the doctor ordered on this list. Our prescription: take two, wait a couple hours, and take two more as needed.

Vote up the funniest jokes about doctors, and if you’ve got a good enough co-pay, feel free to tell us your own doctor jokes in the comment section.
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  • Why Should You Smile Every Time You Visit the Doctor?
    1

    Why Should You Smile Every Time You Visit the Doctor?

    Because it might be your last time.
  • What Do You Call a Student Who Got C's All the Way Through Med School?
    2

    What Do You Call a Student Who Got C's All the Way Through Med School?

    Hopefully not "Doctor!"
  • Does an Apple a Day Really Keep the Doctor Away?
    3

    Does an Apple a Day Really Keep the Doctor Away?

    If you aim well enough.
  • What Did the Doctor Advise When We Broke Our Leg in Two Places?
    4

    What Did the Doctor Advise When We Broke Our Leg in Two Places?

    To stop going to those places.
  • What Did the Man Who Swallowed a Bag of Nickels Say to the Doctor Reading His X-Ray?
    5

    What Did the Man Who Swallowed a Bag of Nickels Say to the Doctor Reading His X-Ray?

    Any change?
  • Why Do Surgeons Wear Masks?
    6

    Why Do Surgeons Wear Masks?

    So no one will recognize them when they make a mistake.
  • How Many Doctors Does It Take to Screw in a Light Bulb?
    7

    How Many Doctors Does It Take to Screw in a Light Bulb?

    Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
  • What's the Difference Between God and a Surgeon?
    8

    What's the Difference Between God and a Surgeon?

    God doesn’t think he's a surgeon. 
  • Why Did Hitler Go to the Optometrist?
    9

    Why Did Hitler Go to the Optometrist?

    Because he could Nazi.
  • What Did the Man Who Swallowed a Sheep Say to the Doctor?
    10

    What Did the Man Who Swallowed a Sheep Say to the Doctor?

    That he felt ba-aaaaad.
  • Yo Mama So Stupid...
    11

    Yo Mama So Stupid...

    She made an appointment with Dr. Pepper!
  • What's the Difference Between a General Practitioner and a Specialist?
    12

    What's the Difference Between a General Practitioner and a Specialist?

    One treats what you have and the other thinks you have what he treats.
  • Why Did Dracula Go to the Doctor?
    13

    Why Did Dracula Go to the Doctor?

    He couldn't stop coffin!
  • Why Did the Computer Go to the Doctor?
    14

    Why Did the Computer Go to the Doctor?

    It thought it had a terminal illness.
  • What Did One Tonsil Say to the Other?
    15

    What Did One Tonsil Say to the Other?

    Get dressed, the doctor is taking us out tonight!
  • What Do You Call Two Orthopedic Doctors Reading an EKG?
    16

    What Do You Call Two Orthopedic Doctors Reading an EKG?

    A double blind study! 
  • What Do You Call a Doctor Who Fixes Websites?
    17

    What Do You Call a Doctor Who Fixes Websites?

    A URL-ologist.
  • What Did the Doctor Say to the Man Whose Baby Swallowed a Bullet?
    18

    What Did the Doctor Say to the Man Whose Baby Swallowed a Bullet?

    "Don't point him at anyone until I get there!"
  • What Don't You Want to Hear in the Middle of Surgery?
    19

    What Don't You Want to Hear in the Middle of Surgery?

    "Where's my watch?"
  • What Did the Doctor Say to the Computer?
    20

    What Did the Doctor Say to the Computer?

    This won't hurt a byte.
  • Who Do You Call When You Need a Doctor Immediately?
    21

    Who Do You Call When You Need a Doctor Immediately?

    The nearest golf course.
  • What Did the Doctor Prescribe to the Man Who Couldn't Stop Breaking Wind?
    22

    What Did the Doctor Prescribe to the Man Who Couldn't Stop Breaking Wind?

    A kite.
  • What Did the Doctor Say to the Man Who Thought He Was a Vampire?
    23

    What Did the Doctor Say to the Man Who Thought He Was a Vampire?

    "Necks please!"
  • Why Did the Grasshopper Go to the Doctor?
    24

    Why Did the Grasshopper Go to the Doctor?

    Because he felt jumpy.
  • Why Did the Doctor Tell Nurses to Be Quiet When Walking Past the Medicine Cabinet?
    25

    Why Did the Doctor Tell Nurses to Be Quiet When Walking Past the Medicine Cabinet?

    So they wouldn't wake the sleeping pills!