These f*ckin' guys. Dumb criminals come in every shape, size, and inebriation level. And these criminals are a unique brand of stupid - they made horrible costume choices when trying to decide a disguise.
You get these guys every now and again - the ones who brings a wry smile to a reporter's face while discussing these "dumb" criminals - and they rarely disappoint. We're not talking silly costumes, or people who happened to be dressed up in costume while committing a crime, we're talking about people who intentionally went out, committed a crime, and disguised themselves - and who did a really bad job at it.
Trying to disguise your identity is a central part to committing any crime (well, if you want to get away with it, anyway). These criminal "geniuses" were caught after they made a poor costume choice. And while it's pretty damn funny, it's also extremely infuriating. A little effort goes a long way, guys.
These Guys Covered Their Faces in Marker
The NBC headline for this is fantastic: "Marker Bandits Caught Easily," though it's not as brutal as the Telegraph's headline "'Dumb' American criminals attempt robbery with ‘permanent marker pen disguises.'" Which one sounds worse if you're the criminals? You decide!
On a fall 2009 evening in Carroll, IA, these two drunken burglars to try to break into an apartment. But first they needed a disguise. They quickly realized they had a marker, and determined to make their own disguises. Unfortunately it was their impromptu "masks" that ultimately caused their downfall. When they were pulled over not far from the crime scene, officers didn't have a hard time figuring out they'd caught the right guys - they had marker all over their face.
"I've been chief here almost 25 years, been with the department 28-and-a-half years and I've seen a lot of things that make me laugh and weird things," Carroll Police Chief Jeff Caylor told CNN, "but this was probably the best combination of the two - strangely weird and hilariously funny all at the same time."
The Man Who Decided to Rob a 7-11 in Full Gumby Costume
You've probably seen this image before: it's a guy dressed as Gumby trying to rob a 7-11 in San Diego (spoiler alert: it didn't work). He kind of had the right idea to begin with, though, because one of the most important parts of getting away with a robbery is making sure that nobody can recognize you. And because he was completely covered in a green Gumby outfit, it's safe to assume the only people who recognized him were lovers of Saturday morning cartoons.
However it backfired on him. The clerk thought he was joking around and told him to leave the store. He told Gumby to stop wasting his time and laughed at him. The clerk thought it was so fake he didn't immediately report it, but he did tell his boss who then called the authorities.
An added bonus: the clerk had never heard of Gumby and later reported the costume to the police as "a green Spongebob Squarepants."
Woman with Drawn-On Mustache Robs Credit Union
Believe it or not, this actually happened.
A woman in Boston, MA, successfully robbed a bank after she drew a fake mustache on herself. As of December 21, 2016, she hasn't been caught. So maybe this disguise wasn't so stupid after all. She managed to walk away with an undisclosed amount of money from the Webster First Federal Credit Union in the middle of the day. Her weapon of choice? A threatening note.
Police described her as a white woman is in her mid 20s to mid 30s, wearing glasses, a blue hooded jacket, with a mustache crudely drawn on her face. So keep your eyes peeled for a young white woman with a very red upper lip from rubbing off what must've been black Sharpie.
The Man Who Wore a Clear Plastic Bag as a Disguise
Not only is this man an absolute idiot as far as disguises go, he's a literal hazard to himself. He wore a clear plastic bag as a disguise, assuming that if he couldn't see the bottom half of his face, no one else could either.
This wasn't a white translucent bag or even a half-clear bag like you get from a supermarket or a convenience store. It was a completely clear plastic bag, much like that of a meat brining bag.
The guy had a bag over his hand too, which he then pointed at the Circle K gas station clerk. The clerk gave him some money and then he left. Unfortunately for him, he was arrested not long after and sentenced to more than 15 years in prison. Apparently this wasn't his first offense, which begs the question - do you think he used clear plastic bags in his other robberies too?