When you go to the movies it’s easy to get wrapped up in the glitz and glamour of it all, especially when the movie is a ripping action film with big guns or a science fiction crowd-pleaser with way-out weapons. But when you leave the theater, do you ever wonder if the gadgets you’ve seen onscreen are practical? The history of cinema is littered with dumb movie weapons, but some movies have more ridiculous weapons than others.
If you really think about it, some of the most popular pieces of tech from film and television are straight-up dumb sci-fi weapons. Whether it’s the lightsaber or Wolverine’s claws, these dumb fictional weapons don’t make sense in our world or theirs. Sure, they look cool - but how do they work in any practical sense?
These ridiculous creations just don’t make sense on closer inspection, no matter how much people love them.
This triple-bladed sword from The Sword and the Sorcerer must have sounded very cool on paper - but how is it better than a normal sword? Haven't warriors been using single-bladed swords since the dawn of time? Was the triple-bladed sword meant to catch a normal sword? How is it stored? Does it go in a case or something? This is a weapon that requires answers.
The one thing this sword would be great for is cutting up meats and cheeses during an evening at the park. Can't you see it now? You uncork a bottle of rosé, you pull out a wedge of brie, and start slicing. Snacking has never been easier.
When Cherry Darling loses her leg in a government-bred zombie invasion, she's outfitted with a rad machine gun with a rocket launcher for good measure. As cool as the gun leg is, it doesn't make a lot of sense for riding a bike or, you know, walking around. Loading the gun seems easy enough - Cherry just has to carry the ammunition around in her purse or backpack, but it's that clunk-clunk-clunk of the gun barrel doesn't make sense.
Aside from the impracticality of shoving a gun onto a leg stump, the whole thing just looks uncomfortable. To actually fire the weapon, Cherry has to get on her side and aim, which seems like it takes longer than setting up a sniper's nest.
Robert Rodriguez would do anything for an impractical weapon. The writer/director fills his films with nonsensical weapons that prove he's definitely in on the gag, but one of the least comfortable weapons in the Rodriguez-verse comes from the outlaws on the run/vampire movie From Dusk Till Dawn.
Halfway through the the film, the audience is introduced to a character named "Sex Machine" who shows off a double-barrelled revolver attached to a codpiece. How does this thing work? What's the recoil like on this bad boy? Is Sex Machine's pelvis constantly bruised? If so, he can't be much of a sex machine.
No one's saying that Dr. Dyson Ido's rocket hammer in Alita: Battle Angel isn't awesome to see on screen. It's just that it's an absolutely bonkers piece of equipment that doesn't make sense in the real world. In action, it works sort of like a pick-ax crossed with a sledgehammer - oh, and it has a rocket attached to the pack of the head because... of course it does.
The rocket hammer is a lot of machinery to carry around, which makes it all the more unfathomable. Maybe if the hammer had a foot or two shaved off the handle it would make more sense, but as it stands now, it's impossible to carry around on the off chance that a fight breaks out. How does that rocket work? Is there a way to control the amount of horsepower? Can it carry the user away? Because if the rocket hammer is a vehicle, too, then you definitely need a license to operate this thing.