The Stupidest, Most Unbelievable Alibis Killers Have Ever Tried To Pull Off

When someone commits murder, they usually have an alibi in mind to cover it up. They'll claim they were elsewhere or plead insanity. Most of the time, the alibis are reasonable and usually good enough that the police have trouble seeing through them. But sometimes, killers say the dumbest things. These crazy alibis from murderers range from claiming an animal as an eye-witness to believe they were in The Matrix

While the United States of America may have one of the most advanced justice systems in the world, the fact that a few of these idiotic alibis actually worked is chilling. Take a look below for some of the most incredulous excuses that murderers have given for their ruthless, inhumane actions. 

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  • Man Claims He Was Too Fat To Murder

    Edward Ates, a Florida man, was accused of shooting and killing his former son-in-law after a dispute in 2006. His lawyers argued that for Ates, at nearly 300 lbs and with problems moving, it was impossible to have committed the crime because he wasn't mobile enough. Seems like a pretty simple and reasonable defense.

    The only problem with that was there was a lot of evidence to the contrary. Ates had military experience, had researched how to kill people only shortly before the murder, and that he'd had relatives lie in order to cover up his whereabouts. In the end, Ates was deemed simply not fat enough to use obesity as an alibi, and was convicted of murder.

  • Army Reserve Shoots Sergeant Because He Was On A Diet

    Army Reserve Shoots Sergeant Because He Was On A Diet
    Photo: DVIDSHUB / flickr / CC-BY 2.0

    You can get a little loopy when you don't eat or drink enough, but one Army Reserve soldier in Atlanta took hangry to a whole new level. Staff Sgt. Rashad Valmont was refused vacation time in 2009, and the next year he decided to get revenge against his superior officer, Master Sgt. Pedro Mercado.

    He shot Mercado six times, killing him, and then drove to a police station to turn himself in. His excuse? A crash diet. He'd been ordered to lose three percent of his body fat in one day, and he claimed the hunger and dehydration had driven him to insanity. He said he'd been so delirious that he didn't have control over his actions, and he didn't realize what he was really doing. However, the judge didn't buy it and he was sentenced to life in prison for his crimes. 

  • The Twinkie Defense: Junk-Food Diet Led A Man To Kill

    The Twinkie Defense: Junk-Food Diet Led A Man To Kill
    Photo: Steve Rhodes / flickr / CC-BY-NC-ND 2.0

    The murder of Harvey Milk and San Francisco Mayor George Moscone in 1978 was a terrible tragedy, and the outcome of the court case was equally horrible. Dan White shot both of the men to death, and was arrested and tried for murder. During the court case, White's lawyer argued that he wasn't at fault for his actions because he was depressed and had changed his diet to unhealthy junk food, such as Hostess cakes. Somehow, this actually worked and he was given eight years of jail time for involuntary manslaughter, rather than a murder charge. This gave his alibi the name, "the Twinkie defense." 

    Contrary to popular belief, White's attorney didn't directly claim that Twinkies and junk food were the cause of the killing. However, he did say that they were an aid to the depression and diminished capacity of White.

  • Wealthy Killer Claims He Was Too Rich To Know Any Better

    Wealthy Killer Claims He Was Too Rich To Know Any Better
    Photo: jollyUK / flickr / CC-BY 2.0

    Another case of a horrible alibi for murder comes from a young and wealthy Texas teen in 2013. Ethan Couch was having a party when he decided to drive to a store drunk with seven other teens, and didn't at all seem to care when other cars came his way. He played chicken with the vehicles and didn't even slow down when he came across a stalled SUV with people standing around it. He plowed into the group, killing four people and injuring many more. Couch fled the scene, but was quickly caught and brought to court.

    During the trial, his lawyers legitimately claimed that it was not his fault he'd killed those people, because he was too well off and sheltered to know that what he was doing was wrong. They called this condition "affluenza," and the judge inexplicably bought the alibi! The prosecution wanted to put him in jail for twenty years, but the judge sentenced Couch to merely ten years of probation and time in a rehab facility. 

  • Man Claims He's Not A Killer Because He's Too Busy Using Heroin

    Man Claims He's Not A Killer Because He's Too Busy Using Heroin
    Photo: nadja.robot / flickr / CC-BY-NC 2.0

    The evidence against Alan Bienkowski in a 2013 murder case was pretty straight forward. There were blood stains on his shoes, he frequented the area of the crime, and was familiar with the hammer used as a murder weapon. Faced with all this, he offered up an alibi that is as baffling as it is terrible: he claimed he was busy doing heroin.

    According to his account, his day began at 5:30 am, when he got up to snort some smack, checked on a vending machine, walked his dog, and then sought even more heroin. He also claimed to have planned or attempted suicide at least twice in the previous days. Not only did this alibi involve admitting more illegal acts, it never contradicted the actual evidence that Bienkowski beat the man to death with a hammer. His defense obviously failed on multiple levels. 

  • Woman Kills Landlady Because She Thinks She's In The Matrix

    Woman Kills Landlady Because She Thinks She's In The Matrix
    Photo: Wendelin Jacober / flickr / CC-BY 2.0

    One way of saying you're not really at the scene of the crime is to claim that you're not in the real world at all, but in The Matrix instead. Surprisingly, this alibi has been used multiple times with a number of slayings, but the biggest one was the case of Tonda Lynn Ansley. In 2002, Ansley began to suspect she was living in The Matrix, although she was actually living in Ohio, and that nothing was real.

    Apparently, her landlady was giving off evil vibes and because it wasn't really her landlady, Ansley decided to kill her. She ended up shooting her in the head, and then at trial explained that she wasn't really there, and it wasn't really a crime, because she was in The Matrix the whole time. Oddly enough, this alibi sort of worked. She didn't get away with the crime, but she successfully pleaded insanity and was sent to a mental care facility rather than jail. Later cases were not so successful