Doctors Describe The Stupidest Ways Patients Have Tried To Treat Themselves

Thanks to the Internet, a brand new phenomena has emerged of people who try to treat their own medical problems, like medical school is just a formality. As if WebMD didn't already convince everyone they have cancer, now YouTube has convinced people to try dumb medical self treatments that even the renegades on House wouldn't try. These stories, all of people who wound up in the emergency room after self-treatments went bad, are definitely cringe worthy.

These patients who tried to self-medicate by drinking bleach, using bug spray in their orifices, or even attempting surgery on themselves deserve a place in medical textbooks everywhere as examples of self-care no-nos. Medical professionals, who sometimes acknowledge that crazy medical techniques can work, still do not possess the patience for your nail polish remover remedies. Thankfully - for you - they still managed to share these tales on Reddit, tales that might as well be Grey's Anatomy episodes for how outlandish they are. 

  • Drinking Bleach Will Probably Start, Not Stop, Food Poisoning

    From SaintAndi:

    "I used to work at a lab in a hospital in a rural town. I got a stool sample from the ER that was basically a blood clot the size of a golf ball. Sometimes the ER gets mixed up and sends me the wrong specimen, for example, some kind of body fluid and labeled it as urine. I called the patient's nurse and asked what the deal was with the patient and if it was really stool they sent up.

    The nurse I talked to said the patient thought he'd eaten bad pork and to prevent food poisoning, drank a concoction of bleach, rubbing alcohol, vodka, ibuprofen, and some Tums."

  • Bug Spray Works Best When Not In An Ear Canal

    From an anonymous Redditor:

    "As an EMT - Basic student I responded to a man who called 911 complaining of a insect crawling up his ear. Upon arrival we ask what ear the bug crawled into, he says his right ear, but keeps complaining about burning coming from his left ear.

    We noticed his wife standing next to him holding a bottle of insect spray, upon further questioning we come to find out she sprayed insecticide into his left ear thinking it would 'flush' the insect out of his right ear. I had to explain to her that our ear canals are separated by our brain."

  • Combs And A Toothbrush Stuck Where The Sun Doesn't Shine

    From cowperspie:

    "Med student. A guy came in to the emergency department with two combs and a toothbrush in his butt. He had stuck the toothbrush up there for pleasure, but lost it. He tried to fish it out with a comb, but lost that, and tried again with a second comb, and lost that as well.

    The kicker: he was there because he had gotten in a car crash. He wasn't there to get the stuff out of his butt. He volunteered the information after we asked if there was anything else we needed to know."

  • Convinced Lemon Juice Counteracted The Sugar

    From denisedenise9:

    "Not an RN, but my diabetic grandpa used to eat all the bread/sugar he wanted, and then eat lemondrops after everything. According to him, the real lemon juice acid would counteract the sugar he had just eaten. He was convinced.

    The nurses disagreed and fought with him for years, but eventually gave in and let him do what he wanted because he was 97 and the food made him happy."

  • She Cut Out Her Own Abscess

    From enGAND:

    "We are a needle exchange/harm reduction station at at the clinic I work at. We have IV drug users come in pretty frequently to get their abscesses cleaned out and dressed properly. So one patient comes in wanting to get her abscess cleaned out like many other patients before her. We take her back to a procedure room and get everything ready to start. She has an ace bandage covering up this spot on her arm so of course we are thinking it's fine because that's better than just letting it be open to the air. She proceeds take off said bandage and exposes not only a huge abscess but a four inch length of vein sticking out of her arm that is rotting away and drying up.

    We are like, 'Uh what's going on here?' and she says she took it out of her abscess and left it out because it made injecting heroin easier. So basically she ran her own IV with a vein she cut out of her abscess. We then called the ambulance."

  • Lemon Juice As A Fever Cure

    From jhoudiey:

    "911 dispatch here. I heard the story second hand, but some kid had a crazy high fever and wouldn't stop crying. The paramedics get on scene, and the mom is squeezing a lemon while rubbing it all over the baby's forehead because it's 'supposed to keep the fever down.' Mom was completely at a loss as to why the baby wouldn't stop crying either.

    It couldn't possibly be the lemon juice you've essentially been squeezing into its eyes for the last 20 minutes. No siree."