TV Episodes Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes

Reference
12.9k views 260 items
Below is a complete Two and a Half Men episode list that spans the show's entire TV run. Photos from the individual Two and a Half Men episodes are listed along with the Two and a Half Men episode names when available, as are the dates of the original airing of the episode. Two and a Half Men episodes from every season can be seen below, along with fun facts about who directed the episodes, the stars of the and sometimes even information like shooting locations and original air dates. Items include everything from “Those Big Pink Things with Coconut” to “I Merely Slept With a Commie.” Are you remembering a funny scene but can't think of the name that the Two and a Half Men episode is from? Scroll below and you'll find what you're looking for.

1
Pilot is listed (or ranked) 1 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 1 Episode 1: Commercial jingle writer Charlie Harper (series star CHARLIE SHEEN) is a wealthy bachelor with a house at the beach, a Jaguar in the garage and an easy way with women. But his Malibu lifestyle is interrupted when his uptight chiropractor brother, Alan (series star JON CRYER), arrives unexpectedly with Alan's 10-year-old son, Jake (series star ANGUS T. JONES).

2
Big Flappy Bastards is listed (or ranked) 2 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 1 Episode 2: Unsure how to properly discipline Jake, Charlie ignores him after the child "forgets" to stop feeding the seagulls and leaves the door open. As a result, the gaggle of birds enters the house. Meanwhile, Alan gets a surprise from Judith when he goes home to fix her sprinklers.

3
Go East on Sunset Until You Re... is listed (or ranked) 3 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 1 Episode 3: When Alan's attempt to provide Jake with a fun-filled father/son weekend backfires, Charlie tries to console his brother by taking him to a local bar and getting Alan totally inebriated. As Alan and Charlie travel home, their meddling Cab Driver (DARRYL SIVAD), hearing the brothers' woes about their narcissistic, controlling mother, offers them some unsolicited therapy.

4
If I Can't Write My Chocol... is listed (or ranked) 4 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 1 Episode 4: Charlie's longtime cleaning lady, Berta (recurring guest star CONCHATA FERRELL), quits her job, and Charlie quickly realizes he can't function without her. When Alan tries to take Berta's place but doesn't succeed, Charlie sends him to lure her back. Meanwhile, Alan places Charlie in charge of getting Jake ready for Judith, who is coming to take her son out for a nice dinner with her parents. Rock star STEVEN TYLER of the band Aerosmith does a voice-over as himself.

5
Last Thing You Want is to Wind... is listed (or ranked) 5 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 1 Episode 5: After a drunken night in Las Vegas, Charlie reluctantly attends one of Jake's soccer games. But Alan and Charlie soon discover the advantages of going to these matches. The players' mothers are quite attractive, and Charlie makes a date with a particularly sexy soccer mom. Meanwhile, when two single mothers discover that Alan is newly available, they "hit" on him--literally.

6
Did You Check with the Captain... is listed (or ranked) 6 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 1 Episode 6: Charlie rethinks the way he treats women when he, Alan and Jake are forced to cheer up a pitiful Evelyn after her serious new boyfriend terminates their relationship. Meanwhile, Charlie teaches Jake some valuable lessons about screening calls from women, but the lesson backfires when Jake reveals a little too much about what he's learned to a disapproving Alan.

7
If They Do Go Either Way They&... is listed (or ranked) 7 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 1 Episode 7: Charlie's beautiful friend Cindy (KRISTIN DATTILO) frequently showers at Charlie's house after surfing. When Jake sees a butterfly tattoo on Cindy's partially nude behind and later draws a picture of it in his classroom, Judith gets angry and goes to talk with Alan and Charlie about letting her son see half naked women.

8
Twenty-Five Little Pre-Pubers ... is listed (or ranked) 8 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 1 Episode 8: When Alan and Judith argue during a rehearsal of a play that Jake and his classmates are rehearsing, Charlie is forced to handle a roomful of fourth graders alone. The kids think Charlie is a loser until they realize he wrote the "Maple Loops" cereal jingle.

9
Phase One, Complete is listed (or ranked) 9 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 1 Episode 9: Charlie likes his sweet new girlfriend, Wendy (MYNDY CRIST), but he becomes concerned when Jake forms a strong friendship with her. When Wendy charms Evelyn as well, Charlie worries that Wendy is expecting more from the relationship than he is and ends it. But when Jake gets mad at him, Charlie learns an important lesson.

10
Merry Thanksgiving is listed (or ranked) 10 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 1 Episode 10: When Charlie finds out that his favorite former girlfriend, Lisa (DENISE RICHARDS - "Scary Movie 3," "Undercover Brother"), is getting married, he desperately tries to prove to her that he has become a better family man than her fiance, despite his inability to commit to her.

11
Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropra... is listed (or ranked) 11 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 1 Episode 11: Charlie and Jake convince Alan to get a makeover when it appears Judith is moving forward since the breakup, sporting a new hairdo and new date. Alan realizes he may truly be in need of a change when his own son tells him he doesn't look cool.

12
Camel Filters and Pheremones is listed (or ranked) 12 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 1 Episode 12: When Charlie's cleaning woman, Berta (recurring guest star CONCHATA FERRELL), brings her sexy and rebellious 16-year-old daughter, Prudence (MEGAN FOX), to Charlie's house, Jake develops a childish infatuation with her--and Charlie and Alan try to restrain their interest in the flirtatious minor as well.

13
Sarah Like Puny Alan is listed (or ranked) 13 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 1 Episode 13: Alan worries that Charlie will become infected with Jake's contagious cold; however, Alan gets sick instead. Jake heals, and Charlie is fine. Desperate to get a date with a sexy woman, Charlie volunteers a very reluctant Alan to escort the woman's sister, turning the date into a foursome.

14
I Can't Afford Hyenas is listed (or ranked) 14 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 1 Episode 14: When Charlie learns that his credit rating is ruined, and his debts are all overdue, he discovers that his accountant, Stan (RICHARD LEWIS), is completely inept. At Alan's urging, Charlie tries to reduce his spending habits, but he has a difficult time giving up his luxuries.

15
Round One to the Hot Crazy Chi... is listed (or ranked) 15 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 1 Episode 15: Charlie and Alan find Frankie (recurring guest star JENNA ELFMAN - "Dharma & Greg," "Looney Tunes: Back in Action"), a sexy but seemingly crazy woman, hitting a car with a baseball bat. Despite Alan's warnings, Charlie becomes totally infatuated with her.

16
That Was Saliva, Alan is listed (or ranked) 16 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 1 Episode 16: Frankie (recurring guest star JENNA ELFMAN), the beautiful and intriguing lady whom Charlie and Alan brought home after finding her bashing her therapist's car with a baseball bat, explains why she's in hiding with her 8-year-old daughter, Joanie (recurring guest star JULIETTE GOGLIA).

17
Ate the Hamburgers, Wearing th... is listed (or ranked) 17 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 1 Episode 17: Alan offends Charlie by choosing their crazy cousins as Jake's guardians if he and Judith were to die. Later, Alan does some errands and leaves Jake with Charlie, who's still sulking over Alan's will. As the two play basketball, Jake falls, hitting his head.

18
An Old Flame With a New Wick is listed (or ranked) 18 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 1 Episode 18: Charlie agrees to meet with a former girlfriend who ended their relationship years earlier, leaving Charlie devastated. But Charlie's in for a huge surprise when he discovers that she is now a he, and he, Bill (CHRIS O'DONNELL - "Batman & Robin"), wants to be Charlie's friend. Initially disturbed by the sex change revelation, Charlie relents and befriends Bill.

19
I Remember the Coat Room, I Ju... is listed (or ranked) 19 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 1 Episode 19: Judith's sinister-but-sexy sister, Liz (TERI HATCHER - "Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman," "Tomorrow Never Dies"), plans to attend Jake's 11th birthday party. Alan asks Charlie--who had sex with Liz in the coatroom at Judith and Alan's wedding--to behave. But when Liz arrives, she ignores Charlie and flirts with Alan instead.

20
Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the ... is listed (or ranked) 20 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 1 Episode 20: Jake becomes a brooding musician when he continuously plays "Smoke on the Water" on his guitar with an ever-present grumpy attitude. In order to cheer him up, Alan tries a father/son chat, Charlie offers a jam session and Berta (recurring guest star CONCHATA FERRELL) just thinks the kid is constipated.

21
No Sniffing, No Wowing is listed (or ranked) 21 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 1 Episode 21: Alan takes Charlie to meet with his sexy and determined divorce attorney, Laura (HEATHER LOCKLEAR - "Spin City," "Melrose Place"), after Judith expresses concern that Charlie is a bad influence on Jake. Charlie and Laura begin a sexual relationship.

22
My Doctor Has a Cow Puppet is listed (or ranked) 22 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 1 Episode 22: Alan succumbs to Judith's demand that they take Jake to therapy every week because "it's what all the other divorced parents are doing," but he doesn't realize that he, too, is having issues ... with sleepwalking. Evelyn hints to Charlie that Alan used to sleepwalk as a child, leading Charlie to come up with a clever new solution to Alan's recurring problem.

23
Just Like Buffalo is listed (or ranked) 23 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 1 Episode 23: When Jake imitates one of Charlie's sexist remarks in front of Judith's support group, the women decide that Charlie's home is an unfit environment for the child. With the women's approval, Judith agrees to let Alan see Jake on weekends, but not at Charlie's place. Charlie must cajole the support group in order to win his nephew back.

24
Can You Feel My Finger? is listed (or ranked) 24 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 1 Episode 24: One of Charlie's many women fears she's pregnant, and Charlie is relieved when the lady finds out she's not. When Alan realizes that this is not Charlie's first pregnancy scare, he suggests a permanent solution for Charlie--a vasectomy. Charlie's doctor recommends freezing some sperm in case Charlie changes his mind about having children, but things don't go quite as planned.

25
Back off Mary Poppins is listed (or ranked) 25 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 2 Episode 1: Charlie Harper (series star CHARLIE SHEEN) is a well-to-do bachelor with a house at the beach, a Jaguar in the garage and an easy way with women. His casual Malibu lifestyle was interrupted when his tightly wound brother, Alan (series star JON CRYER), and Alan's young son, Jake (series star ANGUS T. JONES), came to stay with him.

26
Enjoy Those Garlic Balls is listed (or ranked) 26 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 2 Episode 2: At Charlie's urging, Alan decides to put his past behind him and returns a ceramic giraffe he vindictively took from Judith during the divorce. However, Judith does not remember the keepsake, and more importantly she has an attentive new boyfriend, Dr. Melnick (RYAN STILES - "The Drew Carey Show," "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"), who is Jake's pediatrician.

27
A Bag Full of Jawea is listed (or ranked) 27 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 2 Episode 3: Jake thinks he's dreaming late one night when he sees the teacher who tried to get him suspended, Miss Pasternak (MISSI PYLE - "Bringing Down the House"), practically naked in Charlie's kitchen. When Jake refuses to go to school the next day, Charlie agrees to end the relationship with Miss Pasternak. Unfortunately, she gets upset, and Charlie and Jake both suffer.

28
Go Get Mommy's Bra is listed (or ranked) 28 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 2 Episode 4: Jake adores Judith's rich, new boyfriend because the man has a boat and a pool, and he promises to teach Jake how to snorkel and scuba dive. Feeling inadequate, Alan teaches his 11-year-old son how to drive a car. But when Judith's boyfriend ends the relationship, Jake becomes furious at his mother. Now it's Judith's turn to feel inadequate, and Alan does something he may regret.

29
Bad News from the Clinic? is listed (or ranked) 29 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 2 Episode 5: Charlie dates a woman, Sherri (JERI RYAN - "Boston Public," "Star Trek: Voyager"), who is a self-centered, manipulative narcissist--a female Charlie. But Charlie doesn't like the way Sherri treats him. Meanwhile, Alan tries to instill some discipline in Jake to improve his son's homework habits.

30
The Price of Healthy Gums is E... is listed (or ranked) 30 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 2 Episode 6: When Evelyn tells Jake that Alan shoplifted a toy as a child, Alan denies the charge, as he has ever since the incident took place. He finally admits to Charlie his theory that maybe there is a "Bad Alan"--an evil side of him that stole the toy--which the good side of him works daily to suppress.

31
A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in... is listed (or ranked) 31 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 2 Episode 7: In order to serve as a good example to Jake, who has been disrespectful lately to his mother, Charlie and Alan begrudgingly agree to give their own mother a party to celebrate her real estate achievements. Berta suggests they hire her sister, Daisy (CAMRYN MANHEIM - "The Practice"), who owns a catering company.

32
Frankenstein and the Horny Vil... is listed (or ranked) 32 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 2 Episode 8: Alan's expectations for a first date with Nancy (KELLEY WEST), a woman he met while shopping for groceries, are far exceeded when she introduces him to a world of sex he never knew existed. Charlie is happy that his brother is getting to experience the kind of sex life he's always enjoyed, but he's not thrilled to take responsibility for Jake while Alan has his every fantasy fulfilled. When Alan starts thinking he loves this woman, Charlie realizes he must take action.

33
Yes, Monsignor is listed (or ranked) 33 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 2 Episode 9: Charlie encounters Lisa (recurring guest star DENISE RICHARDS, series star CHARLIE SHEEN's real-life wife), the woman he thought was "the one" until she informed him of her engagement another man. He's thrilled to learn that her marriage did not work out, even though there's now a new wrinkle in their potential relationship--a baby (played by Sheen and Richards' daughter, SAM, in her first screen appearance).

34
The Salmon Under My Sweater is listed (or ranked) 34 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 2 Episode 10: Charlie writes the theme song for a new cartoon based on one of Jake's favorite comics, but Jake hates the song. Realizing that Jake knows the comic better than he does, Charlie enlists his nephew's help. Meanwhile, Rose invites Alan to a movie and surprises him with her intellect.

35
Last Chance to See Those Tatto... is listed (or ranked) 35 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 2 Episode 11: Charlie is surprised when a woman, Gail (JODI LYN O'KEEFE - "Nash Bridges"), with whom he flirts in a bar, rejects his overtures and tells him that women around town have been comparing notes on his philandering. Later, Jake mentions that he did an Internet search on Charlie's name and found something interesting.

36
A Lungful of Alan is listed (or ranked) 36 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 2 Episode 12: Jamie (PAGET BREWSTER - "Huff," "Friends"), Alan's close high school friend, visits Alan at the house. Charlie used to make fun of Jamie when they were teenagers, but when the two brothers see how attractive she is now, they both vie for her affections. However, Jamie has a plan of her own.

37
Zejdz zmoich wlosow (Get off m... is listed (or ranked) 37 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 2 Episode 13: When an earthquake causes plumbing damage in Judith's home, Alan allows her to move into the beach house temporarily--much to Charlie's displeasure. After a few days, Charlie and Jake can no longer bear Judith's presence, and though he pretends otherwise, Alan is jealous when Judith goes on a date with another man.

38
Those Big Pink Things with Coc... is listed (or ranked) 38 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 2 Episode 14: After Evelyn undermines Jake's confidence by belittling his hard-earned high grade on a test, Alan decides to cut her out of their lives. When Charlie and Alan receive news that Evelyn is in the hospital, they realize it's a ploy for her to get back into their lives.

39
Smell the Umbrella Stand is listed (or ranked) 39 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 2 Episode 15: On a boring, rainy weekend, Charlie convinces Alan to ride with Jake and him to Las Vegas. Apprehensive about his upcoming colonoscopy, Alan agrees that the diversion will be good for him. After Alan packs numerous suitcases, and the guys are ready to leave, Jake becomes physically ill.

40
Can You Eat Human Flesh with W... is listed (or ranked) 40 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 2 Episode 16: Judith takes a vacation and leaves Jake with Alan. But then Alan finds out he's being audited by the Internal Revenue Service. Burdened with this last-minute misfortune, he's forced to leave Jake in Charlie's irresponsible hands and hopes that his brother can get Jake to school.

41
Woo-hoo, a Hernia Exam! is listed (or ranked) 41 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 2 Episode 17: While in a precarious position with a woman, Charlie injures his back and won't let Alan--a chiropractor--help him. After Alan drives Charlie to the doctor's office, Charlie is surprised to learn that his physician died four years ago, and a beautiful female, Dr. Michelle Talmadge (ALICIA COPPOLA - "Bull"), has replaced him. Meanwhile, Berta teaches Jake a lesson.

42
It Was 'Mame,' Mom is listed (or ranked) 42 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 2 Episode 18: Charlie masquerades as a homosexual so that Eric (DAVID STARZYK), the gay owner of an advertising agency, will continue to give Charlie more jingles to write. Charlie convinces Alan to pretend to be his gay partner and attend a party hosted by Eric.

43
A Low Guttural Tongue-Flapping... is listed (or ranked) 43 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 2 Episode 19: While at a coffee shop, Alan and Charlie encounter Sherri (recurring guest star JERI RYAN - "Boston Public"), a woman who once dated Charlie just so she could have sex with him. Alan is enchanted with her beauty, so Charlie encourages Alan to ignore his memories of teenage rejection and ask her on a date.

44
I Always Wanted a Shaved Monke... is listed (or ranked) 44 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 2 Episode 20: Evelyn harasses Charlie for not calling her, and Judith bills Alan for an expensive pair of tennis shoes she bought Jake. Unable to express the anger they have towards the women in their lives, Charlie and Alan lash out at each other. Rose--with her questionable background in behavioral psychology--tries to help the two brothers sort out their feelings.

45
A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On is listed (or ranked) 45 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 2 Episode 21: While scanning the obituaries for potential property listings, Evelyn discovers that her second husband, Harry, has died. Although pleased that Alan agrees to attend the funeral with her, she's furious to hear that he had stayed in contact with Harry over the years.

46
That Old Hose Bag is My Mother is listed (or ranked) 46 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 2 Episode 22: After Evelyn gives Alan a loan so he can purchase a new Porsche, Charlie informs his brother that Alan has sold his soul to the devil. Evelyn proves Charlie is right when she coerces Alan to go on a double date with Trudy (CHLOE WEBB - "China Beach," "Sid and Nancy")--whose father Evelyn wants as a boyfriend.

47
Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Sq... is listed (or ranked) 47 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 2 Episode 23: When Evelyn learns that Jake spent his entire spring vacation with his other grandparents, she pressures Alan into letting Jake stay with her for a night. Concerned that Evelyn will destroy Jake's life the way she destroyed theirs, Alan and Charlie grudgingly take a resentful Jake to Evelyn's home and quickly flee to Charlie's favorite bar.

48
Does This Smell Funny to You? is listed (or ranked) 48 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 2 Episode 24: Charlie has sex with a gorgeous young woman, Natalie (KAREN TRELLA), without realizing she's married to an elderly man, Norman (ORSON BEAN - "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman"). At school, Jake is required to give a report to his fifth-grade class about his weekend.

49
Weekend in Bangkok with Two Ol... is listed (or ranked) 49 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 3 Episode 1: Charlie Harper (series star CHARLIE SHEEN) is a well-to-do bachelor with a house at the beach, a Mercedes in the garage and an easy way with women. His casual Malibu lifestyle was interrupted when his tightly wound brother, Alan (series star JON CRYER), and Alan's young son, Jake (series star ANGUS T. JONES), came to stay with him a couple of years ago.

50
Principal Gallagher's Lesb... is listed (or ranked) 50 on the list Full List of Two And A Half Men Episodes
Season 3 Episode 2: When Jake's school principal demands to meet immediately with Alan concerning a picture Jake drew of a large-breasted schoolmate, Alan leaves a phone message asking Charlie to help, but Charlie doesn't respond.