People Can't Stop Leaving Hilarious Reviews For This $9,000 Swiss Army Knife On Amazon

You thought your standard Swiss army knife that can get rid of a hangnail or pop open a bottle of beer was cool? Well, think again. Swiss army knife manufacturer Wenger has created the Wenger 16999, the do-everything gadget that will replace every other tool in your life. The giant contraption boasts 87 implements, over 140 functions, and it has a pretty impressive price tag, too.

"You can't put a price on innovation," you say. But Amazon sellers have and that going price is $9,000. You could use a sum that large to contribute to your 401(k), pay off some college debt, or take a group trip to one of the most awesome vacation spots. Why do that, though, when you could spend your money on such an amazing invention as the Wenger 16999? That's what every single Amazon reviewer wants to know. They've left their feedback on the utility tool and the hilarious results have been collected below.

  • It Will Make You Incredibly Proud Of Your Offspring

    It Will Make You Incredibly Proud Of Your Offspring
    Photo: Wenger / Amazon

    From martin mcconnell:

    "Used the Alan keys to set up my 8-year-old kid's push-bike. It immediately became a Harley Davidson V-Rod Muscle. My son downed a bottle of Jim Beam, sprouted a handlebar mustache and disappeared in to the sunset. I've never been so proud."

  • It's The Perfect Wingman

    From jlhon:

    "I accidentally left this knife in the glove box of my wore-out '67 Chevy truck overnight. Miraculously, the knife fully restored the truck and drove it to the store then returned with two [women] and a cooler full of beer"

  • It Created An Alternate Dimension

    From Marshall Gatten:

    "When I first got this, I thought it was pretty big and unwieldy. Really too heavy to keep in my pocket. But then I decided to really see what all the tools really did. I kept unfolding and unfolding and unfolding the tools, testing each one out in turn. As I was getting near the end, I unfolded a TARDIS, right out of the body of the multi-tool! I had no idea it had a TARDIS attachment - the Amazon description seems to miss it for some reason. Anyway, I folded the tool in on itself and into the TARDIS attachment. That made it MUCH smaller! It was still the same size, just smaller! It fit in my pocket easily and weighed next to nothing. That is a seriously great tool to include on such a beast. Unfortunately, a friend of mine bought the same knife and when I tried to show him how it worked I accidentally dropped mine into the TARDIS on his, and it's a really bad idea to put one pocket dimension inside another. There was a rip in the space time continuum and both knives and my friend fell through it. Now I'm knife-less and friendless. But it was my fault for being careless with such raw energies. Anyway, I'm ordering another one in hopes that one of the tools I hadn't gotten to yet might be useful for stitching up holes in space - that rip is in my living room floor, and I'm afraid my landlord will take my security deposit when I move out if I don't fix it."

  • It Has A Replacement Mailman Feature

    From Shadeeon:

    "The knife itself is an awesome product. Unfortunately, I didn't actually receive it until I placed a second order for one. Apparently the first one hadn't been packaged properly. It sliced itself through the box and took out our mailman as well. Luckily it came with a pull-out replacement mailman feature."

  • PSA: It's A Bad Toothpick Replacement

    From MozartFXon:

    "It's a great knife, it's just that the toothpick is in the center of the knife so when you use it, it looks like your playing some kinda f*cked up harmonica."

  • It May Become Sentient

    From T. Ethridgeon:

    "The knife has become self-aware, and is staring at me from the corner of the room. The 1,387 page instruction manual has no troubleshooting for self-awareness. I've attempted to communicate with the knife, but it only speaks Swiss-German. It keeps saying, 'Ich werde Ihre Welt zu beherrschen!' It looks angry. Funny, because everyone was so nice during my last trip to Switzerland. Anyway, if you purchase this knife, be sure to unplug it from the USB port at night, power down WiFi, and disable the satellite link, lest it access Google and learn as mine did. This is my final communication with the world....self-awareness hiccup aside, five stars for the crème brûlée torch."