202 voters

The Best (Worst) Anthony Jeselnik Jokes, Ranked

Updated May 28, 2019 1.7k votes 202 voters 6.0k views25 items

Here are the best Anthony Jeselnik jokes, ranked by comedy fans everywhere. Anthony Jeselnik is without a doubt one of the darkest comedians working today. All you have to do is watch one of his stand-up specials for two minutes to see just how dark he'll go. His stand-up sets also utilize insults, non sequiters and ironic misdirections. There are truly no other comedians around now doing quite what Jeselnik has perfected. He has made plenty of great one-liners over the years, but which ones really stand out?

After bursting onto the stand-up scene, Jeselnik got his very own Comedy Central show called The Jeselnik Offensive. On the show, Jeselnik and a couple of panelists would tackle some of the hardest-hitting stories in the news while providing his signature dark humor. He's also been host of Last Comic Standing and has released several outstanding comedy specials, including Thoughts and Prayers and Fire in the Maternity Ward. 

If you can handle some dark jokes, then this is the list for you. You get to help decide what the funniest Anthony Jeselnik joke of all time is, and there is plenty of golden material here to choose from. 

  • 1


    My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet. Oh my God, that f*cking thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

    Did this make you laugh?
  • 2

    Chocolate Addiction

    My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She’s always eating chocolate, and she likes to joke she’s got a chocolate addiction. "Get me away from those Hershey's bars. I’m addicted to them." It’s really annoying. So I put her in a car and I drove her downtown. And I pointed out a crack addict. And I said, "Do you see that, honey? Why can’t you be that skinny?"

    Did this make you laugh?
  • 3

    Kid in Africa

    I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

    Did this make you laugh?
  • 4

    Save the Relationship

    My sister had a baby to try to “save the relationship.” But I still don’t talk to her.

    Did this make you laugh?