The Funniest Lines in Christmas Movies  

Movie and TV Quotes
1.6k votes 1k voters 460.7k views 16 items

Funny Christmas movie quotes include the absolute most hilarious lines from holiday comedy movies. Which quotes from funny Christmas movies? From modern Christmas movie classics like A Christmas Story and National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation to the newest holiday movie releases like Arthur Christmas, these movies keep us laughing long after Santa arrives, gifts are opened and friends and family depart. Which Christmas movies have the funniest quotes? Behold, the greatest, funniest quotes from Christmas movies for young and old! Is your all-time favorite, funniest Christmas film quote not on the list? Definitely vote it up and be sure to vote for all your faves.

Whether it's Buddy the Elf (Will Ferrell, in the instant Christmas classic movie Elf), Billy Bob Thornton as the totally deranged, super-mean store Santa Willie in Bad Santa or Bill Murray as Frank Cross in 1988's awesome, twisted Christmas movie Scrooged, these characters gave us quotes that won't soon be forgotten. The best Christmas movie quotes stick with you long after the film's credits roll. What's the most quotable holiday movie ever? That's a tough choice, as you'll see from this list. If I had to pick just one, it would without a doubt be 1983's A Christmas Story. Bet I'm not the only one who can quote it from memory! Besides, it's on 24/7 in the weeks leading up to Santa's big arrival - it's almost impossible not to watch it at least twice annually.

So let's raise a glass of warm apple cider (or hot chocolate, or both) to the great Christmas comedy movies. Enjoy the list, and happy holidays!

Ranker Video
Video: YouTube

Clark: "Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head. And I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-a**, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey s*** he is! Hallelujah! Holy s***! Where's the Tylenol?"

More National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

#37 of 334 on 'Old' Movies Every Young Person Needs To Watch In Their Lifetime #21 of 1700 on The Most Rewatchable Movies #24 of 1212 on The Absolute Funniest Movies Of All Time featuring The Funniest Lines From 'Christmas Vacation'

Ho ho ho?
see more on National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Ranker Video
Video: YouTube

Sarah The Little Girl: "Santa, how come your clothes are so baggy?"
Scott Calvin: "Because Santa is...watching his saturated fats!"
Sarah The Little Girl: "How come you don’t have a beard?"
Scott Calvin: "Because I shaved." (Pulls out a toy) "Now, do you want this doll or not?!? Go back to sleep!"

More The Santa Clause

#86 of 493 on The Funniest '90s Movies #14 of 140 on The Best Disney Live-Action Movies #37 of 185 on The Best Movies for Tweens #9 of 105 on The Best Christmas Movies of All Time

Ho ho ho?
see more on The Santa Clause
Ranker Video
Video: YouTube

Santa Claus: What do you want for Christmas, little boy? 
Adult Ralphie: My mind had gone blank! Frantically, I tried to remember what it was I wanted. I was blowing it! Blowing it! 
Elf: Come on, kid! 
Santa Claus: How about a nice... football! 
Adult Ralphie. Football. Football! What's a football? With unconscious will, my voice squeaked out "football."
Ralphie: Yeah.
Santa Claus: OK, get him out of here.
Elf: (puts Ralphie on slide)
Adult Ralphie: Oh no! What was I doing?! Wake up, stupid! Wake up! 
Ralphie (climbs back up slide): No! No! I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!
Santa Claus: You'll shoot your eye out, kid. Merry Christmas. Ho... ho... ho... (pushes Ralphie down slide with bottom of his boot)

More A Christmas Story

#60 of 334 on 'Old' Movies Every Young Person Needs To Watch In Their Lifetime #36 of 1700 on The Most Rewatchable Movies #53 of 1212 on The Absolute Funniest Movies Of All Time #25 of 443 on The Funniest '80s Movies

Ho ho ho?
see more on A Christmas Story
Ranker Video
Video: YouTube

Buddy: And then, I traveled through the seven levels of the Candy Cane Forest, past the Sea of Swirly-Twirly Gumdrops, and then, I walked through the Lincoln tunnel. (Drinks two-liter of Coca-Cola.)
Emily Hobbs: Ahh. So, where were you for the last 30 years?
Walter Hobbs: The North Pole.
Buddy: Can you pass the maple syrup, please?
Emily Hobbs: I... I didn't put... it's spaghetti.
Buddy: Oh, you know what? I think I have some. (Pulls small bottle from inside sleeve.) Yes.
Emily Hobbs: You like sugar, huh?
Buddy: Is there sugar in syrup?
Emily Hobbs: Yes.
Buddy: Then yes. We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns, and syrup.

More Elf

#83 of 1700 on The Most Rewatchable Movies #41 of 1212 on The Absolute Funniest Movies Of All Time #76 of 185 on The Best Movies for Tweens #15 of 107 on The Funniest Movies Starring SNL Cast Members

Ho ho ho?
see more on Elf