The Funniest Lines in Christmas Movies  

Movie and TV Quotes
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Funny Christmas movie quotes include the absolute most hilarious lines from holiday comedy movies. Which quotes from funny Christmas movies? From modern Christmas movie classics like A Christmas Story and National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation to the newest holiday movie releases like Arthur Christmas, these movies keep us laughing long after Santa arrives, gifts are opened and friends and family depart. Which Christmas movies have the funniest quotes? Behold, the greatest, funniest quotes from Christmas movies for young and old! Is your all-time favorite, funniest Christmas film quote not on the list? Definitely vote it up and be sure to vote for all your faves.

Whether it's Buddy the Elf (Will Ferrell, in the instant Christmas classic movie Elf), Billy Bob Thornton as the totally deranged, super-mean store Santa Willie in Bad Santa or Bill Murray as Frank Cross in 1988's awesome, twisted Christmas movie Scrooged, these characters gave us quotes that won't soon be forgotten. The best Christmas movie quotes stick with you long after the film's credits roll. What's the most quotable holiday movie ever? That's a tough choice, as you'll see from this list. If I had to pick just one, it would without a doubt be 1983's A Christmas Story. Bet I'm not the only one who can quote it from memory! Besides, it's on 24/7 in the weeks leading up to Santa's big arrival - it's almost impossible not to watch it at least twice annually.

So let's raise a glass of warm apple cider (or hot chocolate, or both) to the great Christmas comedy movies. Enjoy the list, and happy holidays!

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Clark: "Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head. And I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-a**, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey s*** he is! Hallelujah! Holy s***! Where's the Tylenol?"

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Ho ho ho?
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Sarah The Little Girl: "Santa, how come your clothes are so baggy?"
Scott Calvin: "Because Santa is...watching his saturated fats!"
Sarah The Little Girl: "How come you don’t have a beard?"
Scott Calvin: "Because I shaved." (Pulls out a toy) "Now, do you want this doll or not?!? Go back to sleep!"

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Santa Claus: What do you want for Christmas, little boy? 
Adult Ralphie: My mind had gone blank! Frantically, I tried to remember what it was I wanted. I was blowing it! Blowing it! 
Elf: Come on, kid! 
Santa Claus: How about a nice... football! 
Adult Ralphie. Football. Football! What's a football? With unconscious will, my voice squeaked out "football."
Ralphie: Yeah.
Santa Claus: OK, get him out of here.
Elf: (puts Ralphie on slide)
Adult Ralphie: Oh no! What was I doing?! Wake up, stupid! Wake up! 
Ralphie (climbs back up slide): No! No! I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!
Santa Claus: You'll shoot your eye out, kid. Merry Christmas. Ho... ho... ho... (pushes Ralphie down slide with bottom of his boot)

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Mr. Hector: This is the Concierge, sir!
Johnny: I knew it was you. I could smell you getting off the elevator. You was here last night too, wasn 't you?
Mr. Hector: Yes, sir. I was.
Johnny: You was here and you was smooching with my brother.
Mr. Hector: You're mistaken, sir!
Johnny: Don't give me that. You've smooched everybody. Snuffy, Al, Leo, Little Moe with the gimpy leg. Cheeks, Boney Bob, Cliff...
Cedric & Maureen: (GASPS)
Mr: Hector: No! It's a lie!
Johnny: I could go on forever, baby.
Mr. Hector: I'm terribly sorry, sir. I'm afraid you're mistaken! We're looking for a young man.
Johnny: All right, I believe you... but my Tommy gun don't.
All: (GASPS)
Johnny: Get down on your knees and tell me you love me. On your knees.
All: I love you!
Johnny: (LAUGHS) You gotta do better than that!
All: I love you!
Johnny: Maybe I'm off my hinge, but I believe you. That's why I'm gonna let you go. I'm gonna give you till the count of three to get your lousy, lying, low-down, four-flushing carcass out my door. One! Two!
Johnny: Three. Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal.

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