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Classic One-Liners About Aging That Never Get Old  

Donn Saylor
1.2k votes 233 voters 10.6k views 15 items

List Rules Vote up the hilarious quips that make you feel a little better about your advanced age.

Getting older is a fact of life, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. Fortunately, there are countless comedians who've given the world classic one-liners about aging, thereby helping take the sting out of all the challenges growing old entails. If one laughs about old age, haven't they already won half the battle? 

From stand-up comedy legends to up-and-coming jokesters, old age has long been a source of humor. The best jokes about aging skewer the aspects of growing older that are tough for everyone to accept; the slowing down of the body, the rapid advancement of a world that feels like it's moving forward without you, and of course, looking older.

When a person can find the comedy in a difficult reality, it's safe to say they've reached a mature age.

list ordered by
1
It’s good to be here… but at 9... is listed (or ranked) 1 on the list Classic One-Liners About Aging That Never Get Old
It’s good to be here… but at 98, it’s good to be anywhere.

George Burns, as quoted in JBrish

2
As you get older, the pickings... is listed (or ranked) 2 on the list Classic One-Liners About Aging That Never Get Old
As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people sure don't.

Carrie Fisher, in a 2014 Twitter post

3
Always be nice to your childre... is listed (or ranked) 3 on the list Classic One-Liners About Aging That Never Get Old
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
4
You know you're getting old wh... is listed (or ranked) 4 on the list Classic One-Liners About Aging That Never Get Old
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
5
You know you’re getting old wh... is listed (or ranked) 5 on the list Classic One-Liners About Aging That Never Get Old
You know you’re getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don’t know anyone who can see through it.

Joan Rivers, as quoted in Snippets of Joan Rivers

6
I'm so old they've cancelled m... is listed (or ranked) 6 on the list Classic One-Liners About Aging That Never Get Old
I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.

Bob Hope, as quoted in the Chicago Tribune

7
I Told My Doctor I Wanna Stop ... is listed (or ranked) 7 on the list Classic One-Liners About Aging That Never Get Old
I Told My Doctor I Wanna Stop Aging; He Gave Me A Gun.

Rodney Dangerfield, as quoted in Return to the '80s

8
You know you’ve reached middle... is listed (or ranked) 8 on the list Classic One-Liners About Aging That Never Get Old
You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re told to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.

Joan Rivers, as quoted in The Telegraph

9
You know, you get that tattoo ... is listed (or ranked) 9 on the list Classic One-Liners About Aging That Never Get Old
You know, you get that tattoo of barbed wire when you’re 18, but by the time you’re 80, it’s a picket fence.

Robin Williams, as quoted in SFGate

10
You don't appreciate a lot of ... is listed (or ranked) 10 on the list Classic One-Liners About Aging That Never Get Old
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things, like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: stuff you pay good money for in later life.
11
What's the advantage of having... is listed (or ranked) 11 on the list Classic One-Liners About Aging That Never Get Old
What's the advantage of having kids at 49? You can both be in diapers at the same time?

Sue Kolinsky, as quoted in That's Funny: Getting Older!

12
You know you’re getting old wh... is listed (or ranked) 12 on the list Classic One-Liners About Aging That Never Get Old
You know you’re getting old when you start watching golf on TV and enjoying it.
13
Old age is when the liver spot... is listed (or ranked) 13 on the list Classic One-Liners About Aging That Never Get Old
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
14
Maybe a silver Lining to growi... is listed (or ranked) 14 on the list Classic One-Liners About Aging That Never Get Old
Maybe a silver Lining to growing old is being able to watch 'Usual Suspects' for the first time, again.

Gary Gulman, as quoted in AZ Quotes

15
I just need to make it to 34 a... is listed (or ranked) 15 on the list Classic One-Liners About Aging That Never Get Old
I just need to make it to 34 and I’ve beaten Jesus at living.

Sarah Millican, as quoted in The Telegraph