Ah, Justin Bieber: the boy king of obnoxious turds everywhere. And yet, despite his immature antics and awkwardly suggestive underwear ads, you have to admit the guy is talented. Whether you harbor a secret crush on Justin Bieber, or can’t stand the sight of him, we can all join together in appreciation of that most sacred celebrity ritual: the roast.
Bieber put on his big boy pants and sat through the hilarious, but obviously painful experience of being made fun of by fellow celebs. Comedy Central gathered everyone from Kevin Hart to Martha Stewart, Ludacris to Shaquille O’Neal in order to take jabs at the easiest target in Hollywood.
Cursing yourself for not getting tickets earlier? Fear not! Even Beiber-haters without televisions can enjoy the jokes at his expense. Here we’ve crafted a thorough collection of wild and funny jokes from the Justin Bieber Roast to get you up to date in no time. You’ll find some of the best quotes from the Justin Bieber roast, ranging from jabs at Justin, to pokes at other presenters, and even a couple great punches thrown by the Beib himself.
So whether you love him or hate him, can’t get enough of him or can’t even handle him right now, get ready to have a good time. Don’t worry Bie-liebers, though some of the jokes are a little more heavy-handed than others, the Bieb did a great job of laughing along. He may even forgive you for laughing too.
"Lately a lot of people have been pointing their fingers at you — and those are just lesbians showing the barber how they want their haircut."Jeff Ross
“Selena Gomez wanted to be here, but she’s dating men now."Jeff Ross
"Bieber has 10 million fans – most are in middle schools, or standing at least 500 feet away from one."Kevin Hart
“Last year, you were ranked the fifth most hated person of all time. Kim Jong-Un didn’t rank that low. And he uses your music to torture people.”Shaq
"All these rappers on stage and Martha Stewart has done the most jail time."Martha Stewart
"Justin's Canadian. He's actually considered American, because no Canadian has ever been this much of an asshole."Kevin Hart
"Justin's fans are called Beliebers, because these days it's considered politically incorrect to use the term retards."Nathasha Leggero
"... You haven't put out an album in three years. What are you doing? If you listen closely you can hear the sounds of One Direction f*cking your fans."Jeff Ross
“You have it all. Except love, friends, good parents, and a Grammy."Chris D'Elia
"I know you've been on Ellen 14 times. You act so much like a p*ssy on the show, Ellen tried to eat you."Ludacris
"Justin, you have no idea what you're in for. I'm sure it's great to have 60 million followers on Twitter, but the only place people will be following you in jail is into the shower."Martha Stewart
“Tonight we’re going to do what his parents and the legal system should have done years ago. We’re going to give this boy an ass-whoopin’.”Kevin Hart
“Justin Bieber wants to be black so bad, he’s actually seen Kevin Hart’s movies in theaters.”Ludacris
"Selena Gomez couldn't be here tonight. Just because she didn't want to be here."Kevin Hart
"Justin, Selena Gomez had to f*ck you. She is literally the least lucky Selena in all of entertainment history."Nathasha Leggero
“They say that you roast the ones you love, but I don’t like you at all, man. I’m just here because it’s a real good opportunity for me.”Hannibal Buress
"You're like our beetles. Not the band, but the bugs that live in sh*t."Ludacris
Kevin has a Napoleon complex. Kevin, Napoleon was the leader of France. Ludacris, France is in Europe. Justin, Europe's a continent. Shaq, a continent is not a free breakfast.Natasha Leggero
"Kevin, you are everywhere. He is going to be on the next season of Game of Thrones. He's going to play Peter Dinklage's shadow."Nathasha Leggero
"Usher is the one who took you under his wing. You're the worst thing that Usher has done to America, since the guy who sat John Wilkes Booth behind Abraham Lincoln."Pete Davidson
“What do you get when you give a teenager $200 million? A bunch of has-beens calling you a lesbian for two hours.”Justin Bieber
"Find yourself the right gal... someone powerful and famous and rich. Someone you can smoke a joint with or engage in the occasional three-way. I’m talking about a player in the boardroom and a freak in the bedroom...call me.”Martha Stewart
"Martha, thanks for coming. I know that's something you probably don't do much of anymore."Justin Bieber
"I hate your music more than Bill Cosby hates my comedy."Hannibal Buress
"If Anne Frank had heard your music, she would've Uber'd to Auschwitz."Jeff Ross
"It's an honor to be at a roast hosted by Shaq's dick."Pete Davidson
"Those Calvin Klein billboards you made are terrible. And I was in Whitney."Chris D'Elia