As you grow older and closer to death, it’s natural to feel the pull of the past tugging at your skin and whispering, “Come back, remember Pogs?” But you can’t let nostalgia rule your world, and that’s why it’s time to look at all of the Goosebumps episodes that don't hold up and pick apart everything you thought you loved about them. Was Goosebumps really scary, or was it simply a lesser version of the peak '90s children’s horror that inundated our television sets? Even the theme song, which should set the mood for the show, was pure comedy. The scariest thing about the theme was the synthesized dog bark making up a section of the melody, and honestly it was more sad than spooky.
No matter how big of a wuss you are, you have to admit there aren’t a lot of scary Goosebumps episodes. There may be inspired visuals, strange digressions, and even a jump scare or two, but on the whole the series was DOA. Even though this is a systematic evisceration of the lamest episodes of Goosebumps, that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to have fond memories of the series. Maybe Goosebumps started you on your path towards being a true horror fan, and if so that’s great. But that doesn’t make Goosebumps a watchable television program. Sometimes it’s best to let the things we loved stay in the past, and that goes double for low-budget horror anthology programs adapted from middling YA series.