The world can’t get enough d*cks. It doesn’t matter if they’re big, small, twisted in a corkscrew, or if they have a weird thing hanging off the head; people are fascinated with penises. And if the dongs in question are famous penises, then the fascination grows tenfold.
A penis doesn’t need to be a turgid science fiction prop to become famous; all it needs is an interesting story. A gargantuan penis is great, but if it wasn’t removed from a corpse so it could be worshipped as a fertility idol, then what’s the point? These historical penises belonged (and belong – some of their owners are still alive) to men of power, bank robbers, and rock stars. But the mighty penises also ruined the lives of some of their owners, leading them down roads of destitution and low blood flow.
Some of the most famous historical penises are shrouded in myth, so much so that you have to trim away a healthy amount of folklore surrounding the famous genitals to get to the true penis and see what it’s really about. Some famous penises, like Jimi Hendrix’s, have been preserved forever in plaster, while other mythical penises have been lost to the sands of time and only survive in tales handed down from mother to daughter and internet commenter to internet commenter. Read along as we try to shed some light on these famous penises that went down in history.
- Photo: FBI / Wikimedia Commons/Public Domain
John Dillinger - Larger Than Life, Even In Death
John Dillinger is one of the last American folk heroes, but not just because he robbed 24 banks and four police stations. Thanks to a notorious crime scene photo taken after his death in a shootout at the Biograph Theater in Chicago, IL, on July 22, 1934 - which appeared to show the deceased gangster with a raging hard-on - a rumor began to circulate that his penis was being kept at the Smithsonian. We don't know what it was about John's Dillinger that would prompt anyone to want to keep it in under glass, but some young Indiana Jones thought it belonged in a museum.
The truth of the matter is that Dillinger's penis is probably decomposing along with the rest of his body in Indianapolis, but that doesn't mean that the rumor hasn't persisted into the 21st century. Word on the street is that if you ask someone from the museum about Dillinger's penis, they'll simply say that it isn't on display.
- Photo: Karl Bulla / Wikimedia Commons/Public Domain
This Russian mystic may be one of the most misunderstood and semi-fictionalized people in history. What we know for sure about Rasputin is that he was an advisor to Czar Nicholas II of Russia, and he held some kind of magical sway over a wealthy sect of Russians; also, he was a sex machine. Supposedly, he took on Czarina Alexandra, Nicholas II’s wife, and a Russian Empress as his lovers all thanks to his 13-inch penis. After Rasputin was assassinated (allegedly by being beaten, shot, stabbed, and drowned) his genitals were cut off to either be kept as a souvenir or as a final jab at the most hated man in Russia.
Somehow (there are way too many unsubstantiated rumors to list here), Rasputin's penis ended up being worshipped for fertility reasons by a group of Russian émigré women in Paris. When Rasputin's daughter heard about this, she demanded the women return the specimen, and that was the end of it. That is, until 1994, when a collector of oddities showed up and waggled a penis around for anyone who wanted to see. Unfortunately, this was actually a dried up sea cucumber. But something that is supposedly Rasputin's real penis is on display at the Museum of Russia Erotica, and it looks horrifying.
- Photo: John Jabez Edwin Mayall / Wikimedia Commons/Public Domain
Everyone knows that the Prince Albert piercing is a ring that extends along the underside of the glans from the urethral opening to where the glans meets the shaft of the penis, right? But it had to take its name from somewhere, and most evidence points toward Prince Albert, Consort to Queen Victoria. Supposedly, he had his penis pierced so he could move it to the right or left without there being a noticeable bulge in his trousers. In Albert's day, the piercing was known as a "dressing ring," and it allowed the penis to hook onto one side of the pants or the other.
In reality, there's little to no evidence that Prince Albert actually had a penis piercing. According to researchers at The Guardian, Albert was such a prude that he wrote angry letters to one of his sons after he learned that the young man was having a fling with an actress at an army camp in 1861.
It's inarguable that Jimi Hendrix was a guitar god and a sonic innovator whose short time on this earth wielded some of the most groovy, experimental, and rockin' tunes that came out of the '60s. But the legendary guitar player also had a legendary penis that was thankfully preserved in plaster by none other than Cynthia Plaster Caster.
The whole endeavor began as an art school project where one of Caster's professors gave the class an assignment to, "plaster cast something solid that could retain its shape," and she decided to start using a dental mold in order to convince rock stars to sleep with her. Whatever works, you know? According to Caster, Hendrix was pretty cool about the whole shoving his penis into a mold thing, even when his pubes got stuck. "[Jimi] was a casting dream. When his pubes got stuck in the mold because I didn’t lube them enough, he didn’t freak out at all. Just very patiently f*cked the mold while he waited for me to pull out one pube at a time." According to the mold, Jimi's penis was 6 inches by 6 inches, but he insisted that he was only at half mast.