• Total Nerd

So, What's The Deal With Your Favorite Superhero's Wang?

To paraphrase Brody from Mallrats : “The Thing, is his dork made from orange rock like the rest of his body?” Comic book nerds care about many things which impact storylines in no way whatsoever, and that includes superhero penises. Though debates over a hero's power levels and morality pertain very much to their plotlines, debates over the best superhero wangs pertain specifically to the curiousities and insecurities of readers. Superhero penises entered the mainstream in the '80s when Alan Moore thrust one of the most bizarre comic book penises on the world in The Watchmen . From then on out fans began to openly pontificate about which of their favorite characters were cock of the walk. Discussions about superhero sex facts, and which heroes would be good in bed have come to dominate online discussions about comic books .

P eople want answers to the hard questions: is Wolverine circumcised? Does Mr. Fantastic's wang stretch? Is the Thing's member made of rock? More importantly, how did comic book culture get to a place where characters became idolized for having big muscles and bigger dicks? Though you never realize it, the male superhero body looks just as unrealistic as any woman superhero's, if not more so. What follows is an attempt to make sense of the obsession with superhero wangs.

  • What’s Up With Reed Richards’s Dick?

    Photo: Marvel

    If anyone knows what Reed Richards’s (Mr. Fantastic if you’re nasty) member looks like it would be his creator – Stan Lee. When asked in a 2011 interview about whether or not the Thing had rocks for junk, Lee answered: “ I always thought it was more interesting to think about Reed Richards. As you know, he had the ability to stretch, and sexually, that would seem to be a great asset in many areas.”

    So there you have it from the man himself, Reed Richards has a great set of junk because it can be everything to everyone.

  • Seth Green Explores A Superhero’s Relationship To His Privates

    Photo: Top Cow

    In Seth Green’s excellent short run comic, The Freshmen, a group of college freshmen receive ironic super powers that play on their personal fears. Ray, who goes by the superhero name Long Dong, is self-conscious about his size, an insecurity which gives him a giant indestructible wang. How big is it? That’s pretty much the joke. Green seems to delight in never answering the question, despite showing his goofy bulge every chance he gets.

    The interesting thing about Long Dong is that he’s never happy with his junk. It’s either too small or it ‘s too big – either way his insecurities keep him from using it. 

  • Does The Hulk Have A Member?

    Video: YouTube

    According to Jason Smith, the visual effects supervisor for The Avengers, no. He revealed his team modeled every part of the Hulk except for his junk.

    But what about the Hulk in comics? Does Bruce Banner’s junk grow and shrink with him? Does he turn into The Hulk when he gets erect? Banner’s member may or may not be alternatively huge and then normal, but you probably don't really want to know anyways.

  • Is Wolverine Circumcised?

    Photo: Marvel

    The question on everyone’s minds: is Logan circumcised, or would his healing factor just cause the skin to grow back? Being born in the late 19th century means that he probably wouldn’t be circumcised. However, if Logan's parent did decide to circumcise their son, what about his healing factor? It’s well regarded X-Men lore than mutant powers kick in right around puberty, so even if he was circumcised would his healing factor heal a wound from 13 years earlier?

    This question actually opens up more questions about Wolverine’s healing factor than anyone probably knows how or even wants to answer. What does his healing factor consider to be a wound? Can he have surgery? If he wanted a nose job could he have one, or would his nose fix itself? It’s probably best we stop thinking about Wolverine’s dick.