Admit it, you’ve thought about selling your soul to the devil once or twice. Maybe you needed some extra cash, or you just wanted to skip the TSA line at LAX — there’s no judgment here. But selling your soul to Satan isn’t as easy as it sounds. There are a lot of steps that you have to take to ensure the safety of you and your soul, and you’ve got to make sure that you get what you want. It’s like any legal transaction, but with the most evil entity in the universe.
In the interest of doing a good deed, these guidelines break down exactly how to sell your soul to the Devil, provide some examples of famous people who have sold their soul, and warn you of the pitfalls that await you on your journey to being really awesome.
The obvious question here is: how do you sell your soul? It may seem simple enough, but it’s actually a multi-faceted question. There's a right time and place to do dark magic, and a step-by-step process that has to unfold, much like any legal situation. Satan isn’t some chump that just fell off a turnip truck, he’s been making deals for souls for longer than you’ve been alive, and you need to be prepared for whatever he’s going to throw at you. If you do things the wrong way, you could end up possessed and you definitely don’t want that.
So, you want to learn how to make a deal with the devil. Whether for money or fame, keep reading to find out how you can and what happens when you sell your soul.
What Do You Ask For?Photo: Tri-Star Pictures
So you've got the devil's ear, he's down to make a deal, and you've got a notary handy to help with the paperwork - what do you ask for? Guys like Niccolò Paganini and Robert Johnson sold their souls for their art, but you don't have to do that. You can sell your soul for wealth, a giant boat, or to look really good no matter what pair of jeans you're wearing. It's your soul, do what you want.
It's important to remember that you shouldn't skimp when you're selling your soul. You're probably going to burn in Hell forever later, so get the best version of whatever you want. Don't say, "I want to be a millionaire." Say, "I want to have a bank account that never empties and no one finds this suspicious."
How Much Are You Worth?Photo: K. Gordon Murray Productions
Before you decide to sell your soul to the devil, you should take stock of who you are and really think about how much your particular soul is worth. Are you a bus driver in Tulsa, Oklahoma, or are you a senator who doesn't have enough power? That isn't to say that one of those people is better than the other, but their souls may be worth different prices to the devil. Even if you're just a regular person, don't underestimate how much Satan wants to have your soul for eternity. He'll pay whatever he has to, so try to get him to make the first offer and then bargain up from there.
According to Business Insider, Johnny from the definitely-not-annoying 1979 song "The Devil Went Down To Georgia" bet his soul for what would likely be a 40-pound golden fiddle - about 543.3 troy ounces. In 1979, gold was going for $307.50 per troy ounce, which means Johnny bet his soul for about $167,000. Adjusting for inflation, that's about $566,300 in 2017. Not bad.
Can You Get Out Of It?Photo: Skandias Filmbyrå
Nobody wants to nullifying an agreement, be it with the devil or another, less evil entity, but sometimes when things don't go your way, there's nothing else to do but end your partnership. But how do you negate a deal with the devil? If popular music tells us anything, then one surefire way to nix your contact with Satan is to beat him in a contest - the more ironic the better when you're dealing with Lucifer. In "The Devil Went Down To Georgia," Johnny beats the Devil in a fiddle contest and gets to keep a very heavy fiddle and his soul.
Outside of beating him in a contest, your best bet is to get an exorcism in order to get your soul back. The problem with this method isn't the exorcism, it's convincing the Catholic Church that you actually deserve an exorcism. They're notoriously hard to convince, and even if you do manage to get the church to agree to your vanity exorcism, you'll still have to deal with the fact that you sold your soul for the rest of your life.
Is There A Good Time To Sell Your Soul?Photo: NBC-Universal
It may sound silly, but this is one of those things that no one ever thinks about when they sell their soul. Everyone focuses on what they want to get out of the deal, but they're never concerned with whether or not they've picked an appropriate time to bother the devil and make an offer. The Witch's Sabbath (or Walpurgis Night) is an excellent time to hook up with your main man Beezelbub. Why? Walpurgis is the evening when witches meet on the Brocken, the highest peak in the Harz Mountains in Germany, and party with Satan. If you can get there, then you can definitely bend the devil's ear.
If there's no room to get on the broom and get to the Brocken, then you should make sure you do your legalese with Satan at the devil's hour, 3 AM, an inversion of 3 PM, the time when Christ died at Calvary.