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Identity Thief Movie Quotes

Updated June 8, 2017 210 votes 110 voters 74.1k views10 items

"Identity Thief" movie quotes take viewers through a comical tale of what happens when an average joe takes it upon himself to track down a conniving woman who has stolen his identity. The comedy film was written by Craig Mazin and directed by Seth Gordon. "Identity Thief," originally titled "ID Theft," was released in theaters on February 8, 2013.

In "Identity Thief," Jason Bateman plays the victim Sandy Bigelow Patterson. When trying to fill his car with gas his credit card is declined and subsequently cut up for suspicious transactions. Upon calling his credit card company, which was not successful by the way, he's pulled over and learns that not only is something wrong with his credit card but he has warrants for his arrest too. A little detective work reveals that his identity has been stolen by a short woman named Diana (Melissa McCarthy). At first Sandy is relieved that this can easily be sorted out but then upset to learn the cops won't pull this woman in and fix it all.

So Sandy sets out to find this woman and bring her back to Colorado to face the music. This is easier said than done, especially as Diana will take every opportunity to lose Sandy. But it gets worse. Not only is Sandy looking for Diana but so are others, including those highly dangerous and out for blood. Genesis Rodriguez, Amanda Peet, Maggie Elizabeth Jones, T.I., Jon Favreau, Morris Chestnut and Eric Stonestreet also appear in the film.

If "Identity Thief" is not quite your style, there are plenty of other great movies in theaters such as "Django Unchained," "Killing Them Softly," "Hitchcock," "Skyfall," "Lincoln," "Flight," "Playing for Keeps," "Silver Linings Playbook," "Anna Karenina," "This Must Be the Place," "Cloud Atlas," "Wreck-It Ralph," "Nobody Walks," "The Sessions," "Red Dawn," "Chasing Mavericks," "Rise of the Guardians," "Argo," and "Looper."
  • 1

    She's Like a Hobbit

    Video: YouTube

    Sandy: "Look at her. That number right there's her height. She's like a Hobbit. I can handle her. I'm going after Bilbo."
    Trish: "This is crazy. You don't chase criminals. You're not Batman."

    Sandy's wift, Trish, tries to talk him out of traveling across the country to track down the identity thief but Sandy isn't swayed. He sees her as a short little unthreatening being, like a Hobbit.
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  • 2

    I Pick the Easy Way

    Video: YouTube

    Sandy: "We're gonna have a little chat."
    Diana: "Okay"
    Sandy: "We can do it the hard way or the easy way."
    Diana: "I'd like to pick the easy way."
    Sandy: "Get over here and give me your wrists."
    Diana: "Okay"
    Sandy: "Now I have a plan…"
    [Diana attacks Sandy]

    Sandy tracks down Diana again and tries to once and for all get her in his custody. She agrees at first but that was only a ploy to get Sandy close enough to strike him.
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  • 3

    The Rental Car

    Photo: flickr / CC0

    [Sandy runs Diana's van off the road causing it to roll]
    Sandy: "Oh, thank god, you're all right though, huh?"
    Diana: "Yeah, the rental car doesn't even have a scratch on it."
    Sandy: "Woo, that's great news. The car is fine. What's more important…"
    [Semi-truck smashes the rental car]
    Diana: "Oh, you should have put your hazards on."

    When Sandy runs Diana's van off the road causing it to roll, he feels bad. He's even more relieved that his rental car was not damaged, well it wasn't damaged until a truck came along and changed that.
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  • 4

    I Gotta Cut the Card

    Video: YouTube

    Luis the Gas Station Attendant: "When that comes up we gotta cut the card." Sandy: "Swipe it one more time. Nothing wrong with that card."
    Luis the Gas Station Attendant: "I gotta cut the card."
    Sandy: "Don't cut the card! Put the scissors down!"
    Luis the Gas Station Attendant: "It says we gotta cut the card, you don't pay your bills."
    Luis the Gas Station Attendant: "Go pay your bills, Randy."
    Sandy: "It's Sandy"
    Luis the Gas Station Attendant: "Sandy?" [trash talks Sandy in Spanish]
    Sandy: "I bet that was hurtful, wasn't it?"
    Luis the Gas Station Attendant: "Oh, hurtful, hurtful!"

    When his credit card is declined when Sandy is trying to pump gas, this is the first sign that something is amiss. The trash talk from the gas station attendant is certainly not adding to that either.
    Should this be higher or lower?