You think YOU have a tough time getting laid? These 13 animals work for sex more than any species on earth. From drinking pee to morphing the size and shape of their penis, to actually DYING for sex, here are thirteen animals that have the hardest time getting laid. These are animal sex videos that work and are of animal sex. But these 13 animal mating habits will definitely make you happy that you aren't one of these animals.
What types of animal sex should make you glad that you're a human? Well, assuming you're reading this, you are a human so you have nothing to worry about. But count your lucky stars you aren't one of the animals listed on here.
Warning: terrible sex jokes ahead.
Female Pandas in Heat Three Days a Year, Need Porn to Get in the Mood
It's hard enough to be confined to just one season of mating, but panda bears have only a tiny window in that period to mate. We're talking only three to seven days. Out of the YEAR. This is the shortest mating
Much of this sexual tragedy is due to the female panda's estrous cycle or the very short period in which she is in heat and is able to conceive -- which can be as low as three days.
This means that the male panda has to wait around all year for, at the most, just seven days in heaven (at the most.) Most panda copulation lasts only about thirty seconds to five minutes... which is probably why people have had to start giving panda's panda p*ornography just to get them heated up enough to have sex (see the video to the left.)
Oh, also, just in case there's even an ounce of excitement to a male panda bear's life, to make things worse, a female can actually be biologically wired to only reproduce every two years -- so basically, natural selection is trying to kill pandas.
So not only is it impossibly hard to get laid if you're a male panda, but if you want to procreate it may be anywhere between two and four years before the procreation sex even takes.
Why don't pandas find each other attractive? Well, we'll let comedian Mike Birbiglia explain it at 3:07
Every Sexual Experience is Like an Action-Movie Car Chase for Turtles
During mating season, male turtles will fight with other male turtles over a female turtle. The most aggressive turtle wins and then, with the female's consent, climbs on top of the female for some action. The male shows signs of affection towards the female by biting their necks and flippers as well as nuzzling their heads and fluttering its claws on her face.
Sounds kind of sweet only if you like frat parties.
Basically, for turtles, random dudes coming up to random girls, grinding all up on them and then going all the way is the method with which the entire species moves forward.
Since the mating process usually takes up to several hours, the female turtle will often get bored and impatient with the turtles tiny tail (oh yeah, turtles keep their penises inside their tails.)
So while the male is moaning and groaning (or making adorable and/or disturbing sounds like the little guy in the video there) on top of the female, she usually seems uninterested and in a basking or resting position.
Sometimes the female will even get up and do other things in the middle of sex, a-la Paris Hilton, dragging the male (who still hasn't finished) along on her errands -- just like guys ALWAYS ask for.
The male turtle will sometimes be overpowered and even be flipped on his back due to the female's restlessness, but he'll try his best to continue mating as long as he can or until he's successful.
So, unfortunately for our adorable shelled friends, having sex with a willing female is quite a bit like this scene:
Squid Females Swallow Sperm Then Die
Thousands of women hate giving head. hell, make it millions (billions?)
Luckily, women can say no to head, but female squids have no choice but to deal with sperm in their mouths, because it is the way that they reproduce.
Female squids hold the semen from sex in a cavity near their mouths after intercourse, during the aftersex "cuddling" haze. And after this, they die.
To make matters worse for the female squid, an erect squid penis can be up to two feet long. Researchers discovered this incredibly sized squid penis after they caught a dying specimen of "Onykia Ingens", and they cut it open and got an interesting reaction from the animal: The male squid got aroused and ejaculated all over the cutting table and the researchers, just like any male in his right mind would want to do to anyone cutting him open against his will. Or maybe he's just into the S & M stuff.
So the worst part for all of this is really for the female and the fact that not only does sex kill her, but it makes her carry around her shame with her as she dies.
Barnacles Only Get to Bang What's Near Them
Barnacles are sessile, as in, they do not move from their shallow water location EVER. For any reason.
So, how do you have sex if you can't move?
The barnacle's solution is that it has a penis that can wrap around its body 50 times, kind of like that joke you always tell -- only for them it's true. This means, of course, that they don't have to budge an inch in order to successfully reproduce.
Which is absolutely bad ass.
The Hard Part:
Barnacles don't have a specific mating season, but often, their penises and overall body types are either suited for strong wave patterns or weaker tidal turns, and the barnacles have a difficult time if they are displaced from their natural immobile state (aka, they're growing at the bottom of a boat.)
The barnacles select mates based on whether their monstrously lengthy penis can reach the other individual in question, not because of another barnacles' personal traits or appearance.
So basically, whatever's near you is what you've got -- no matter what, so get ready to knock up that girl you thought you were too good for in high school that still lives in the same town with you, because that's the life of a barnacle.
So much like a lot of girls who have to deal with dudes with far less impressive wangs than the barnacle's, the stagnant crustacean (the female, kind of) doesn't really know that the other barnacle its mating.
It really was just the closest thing around.
Though it's true that one barnacle might not know the name of the other barnacle, they at least know the place where the other barnacle lives. Not that they can make a visit anytime soon, which is a plus. But the worst part is that if you're forced into a questionable situation as a barnacle, you're forced to re-live your night of shame for the rest of your life.