Weird Nature
811.5k readers

13 Animal Mating Habits That Will Make You Glad You're Human

Updated May 12, 2020 811.5k views13 items

You think YOU have a tough time getting laid? These 13 animals work for sex more than any species on earth. From drinking pee to morphing the size and shape of their penis, to actually DYING for sex, here are thirteen animals that have the hardest time getting laid. These are animal sex videos that work and are of animal sex. But these 13 animal mating habits will definitely make you happy that you aren't one of these animals.

What types of animal sex should make you glad that you're a human? Well, assuming you're reading this, you are a human so you have nothing to worry about. But count your lucky stars you aren't one of the animals listed on here.

Warning: terrible sex jokes ahead.

  • Penguins: Sex Once a Year, No External Genitalia, Have to Defy Death/The Elements

    Have you SEEN March of the Penguins?

    Male penguins don't have a penis and female penguins don't have a vagina... so WTF?

    Well, here's WTF: Male penguins produce sperm in their testes and store it in the cloaca, or the organ for defecation, reproduction, and urination. That's right, they have an all purpose penis-like-thing just like dinosaurs did. Bet you've never thought of the fact that dinosaurs had to bang before, did you?

    Anyway, the female penguin also has a cloaca, which leads to the ovaries. During the actual sex act, the female penguin lies flat on the ground and the male penguin presses his cloaca onto hers, releasing sperm.

    So the sex part is easy, but the actual, successful procreation is arduous, death-defying and downright awe-inspiring (so much so that they made an entire movie about it, narrated by Morgan Freeman.)

    Even worse yet, penguin couples spend their lives apart, with one exception. In March, the couple rendezvous at a breeding site, and find each other by way of the "bugle" call. Once they are reunited, they bow to each other and then bang. "HONEY I'M HOME!" ... right in front of the kids.

  • Female Alligators Don't Get to Eat for Days Before Sex

    Just like human women, am I right ladies?

    Alligators are generally solitary creatures, but when late spring rolls around, both males and females make low bellowing sounds in order to attract a mate. They also release a "strong" odor from their musk glands, send strong "vibrations" in the water, and engage in "head slapping" on the surface of the water.

    While strange, this stuff really isn't that bad in the grand scheme of the animal kingdom. However, that doesn't take away from the fact that it does get pretty damn bad, generally speaking.

    Alligators are sexually mature at a length of about six feet, and once they reach this length, the mating rituals get more painful.

    About eight to nine weeks before the mating season, female alligators cease their diet of snails, worms, and crustaceans and move on to a diet of, well, nothing -- most likely so they'll look good in their alligator skin. And in the animal kingdom, any kind of ritualistic fasting goes against most animals' basic nature: to eat, procreate and do basically whatever the hell they want.

    Can you imagine trying your hardest not to eat for days before sex? You'd barely be able to stay awake for the act itself.

  • Banggai Cardinalfish: Woman Drops Eggs in Male's Mouth. Male Doesn't Eat Until Eggs Hatched.

    According to the Microcosm Aquarium Explorer, Banggai Cardinalfish are an "excellent aquarium species, strikingly handsome and easy to keep, even for beginners."

    Of course, these handsome fish to have a dark side, and it's all about the act of mating [cue the Bloodhound Gang.]

    Male Banggai Cardinalfish really do have to work to spread their seed.

    Once the aquatic stud decides it is time to mate, and the male does get to decide, the male follows the female around until the female DEPOSITS HER EGGS INSIDE HIS MOUTH.

    After this initial deposit, the male carries them around in his mouth until they hatch. No eating. No sex. Just eggs. In your mouth. Always.

    

  • Kangaroos Have Too Many Options: Two Vaginas per Kangaroo Female

    Female kangaroos have two vaginas and two separate uteruses in order to ensure successful reproduction. That's right, TWO.

    Kangaroos live in the harsh climate of Australia, where female kangaroos have a way of suspending the development of a young embryo if there's not enough food or water sources for it to survive.

    Having two vaginas, then, allows the embryo to pass to the birth canal or median vagina as part of their waiting period.

    Female kangaroos also have a separate third canal used only for birthing, or as a lot of ladies would say "exit only."

    After the babies pass through their third canal, kangaroos carry their young in pouches attached to the bottom halves of their stomachs, both in order to incubate their newborns and prevent them from being eaten. You know this because you've watched cartoons before.
    
    In order to accommodate the female situation, male kangaroos have a two-pronged penis because being a male kangaroo is absolutely bad ass.

     

    The bad part comes when knowing which opening to use as a male kangaroo, as unlike almost any other marsupial in the animal kingdom, the female has a chessboard for genitals instead of your traditional "this is an opening, this must be how babies happen" anatomy.