Jokes Joan Rivers's Greatest Quotes, Jokes, and One-Liners  

neil
2.1k votes 295 voters 28.2k views 22 items

List Rules Funny jokes and quotes from Joan Rivers. Vote for the ones that make you laugh.

Infamous comedienne Joan Rivers died on September 4, 2014. Her daughter, Melissa, announced Joan Rivers's cause of death, the result of complications due to surgery. “It is with great sadness that I announce the death of my mother, Joan Rivers,” Melissa said in a statement. “She passed peacefully at 1:17 p.m. surrounded by family and close friends. My son and I would like to thank the doctors, nurses, and staff of Mount Sinai Hospital for the amazing care they provided for my mother. Cooper and I have found ourselves humbled by the outpouring of love, support, and prayers we have received from around the world. They have been heard and appreciated. My mother’s greatest joy in life was to make people laugh. Although that is difficult to do right now, I know her final wish would be that we return to laughing soon.” How did Joan Rivers die? She went while still riding a wave of popularity and making people laugh. R.I.P. 

In the spirit of remembering Joan Rivers, here are a handful of her greatest one-liners and quotes.
list ordered by

1
150 8
I've had so much plastic surge... is listed (or ranked) 1 on the list Joan Rivers's Greatest Quotes, Jokes, and One-Liners
I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to tupperware.

2
127 9
I blame my mother for my poor ... is listed (or ranked) 2 on the list Joan Rivers's Greatest Quotes, Jokes, and One-Liners
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

3
120 10
My daughter and I are very clo... is listed (or ranked) 3 on the list Joan Rivers's Greatest Quotes, Jokes, and One-Liners
My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.”

4
110 13
People say that money is not t... is listed (or ranked) 4 on the list Joan Rivers's Greatest Quotes, Jokes, and One-Liners
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

5
104 12
I hate housework! You make the... is listed (or ranked) 5 on the list Joan Rivers's Greatest Quotes, Jokes, and One-Liners
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

6
77 7
Never be afraid to laugh at yo... is listed (or ranked) 6 on the list Joan Rivers's Greatest Quotes, Jokes, and One-Liners
Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.

7
98 11
A man can sleep around, no que... is listed (or ranked) 7 on the list Joan Rivers's Greatest Quotes, Jokes, and One-Liners
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

8
123 17
I don't excercise. If god had ... is listed (or ranked) 8 on the list Joan Rivers's Greatest Quotes, Jokes, and One-Liners
I don't excercise. If god had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

9
76 7
I was getting dressed and a pe... is listed (or ranked) 9 on the list Joan Rivers's Greatest Quotes, Jokes, and One-Liners
I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.

10
87 9
I was so ugly that my parents ... is listed (or ranked) 10 on the list Joan Rivers's Greatest Quotes, Jokes, and One-Liners
I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to 'ripley’s believe it or not' -- they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”

11
94 11
I wish I had a twin, so I coul... is listed (or ranked) 11 on the list Joan Rivers's Greatest Quotes, Jokes, and One-Liners
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

12
91 13
I succeeded by saying what eve... is listed (or ranked) 12 on the list Joan Rivers's Greatest Quotes, Jokes, and One-Liners
I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

13
75 10
Why women don’t blink during f... is listed (or ranked) 13 on the list Joan Rivers's Greatest Quotes, Jokes, and One-Liners
Why women don’t blink during foreplay… not enough time.

14
68 11
You know you’ve reached middle... is listed (or ranked) 14 on the list Joan Rivers's Greatest Quotes, Jokes, and One-Liners
You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.

15
60 12
You know it’s time to start us... is listed (or ranked) 15 on the list Joan Rivers's Greatest Quotes, Jokes, and One-Liners
You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.

16
68 17
She's so pure, moses couldn't ... is listed (or ranked) 16 on the list Joan Rivers's Greatest Quotes, Jokes, and One-Liners
She's so pure, moses couldn't even part her knees.

17
62 14
Both of my parents got to see ... is listed (or ranked) 17 on the list Joan Rivers's Greatest Quotes, Jokes, and One-Liners
Both of my parents got to see me host carson, thank god. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.

18
58 14
A child can be taught not to d... is listed (or ranked) 18 on the list Joan Rivers's Greatest Quotes, Jokes, and One-Liners
A child can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of tables, and wake mommy before noon.

19
61 17
I enjoy life when things are h... is listed (or ranked) 19 on the list Joan Rivers's Greatest Quotes, Jokes, and One-Liners
I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

20
41 21
Every comedian is furious. Age... is listed (or ranked) 20 on the list Joan Rivers's Greatest Quotes, Jokes, and One-Liners
Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.

21
38 21
There is not one female comic ... is listed (or ranked) 21 on the list Joan Rivers's Greatest Quotes, Jokes, and One-Liners
There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

22
35 20
I'm in nobody's circle, I've a... is listed (or ranked) 22 on the list Joan Rivers's Greatest Quotes, Jokes, and One-Liners
I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.