Karen Mistakes Customer For Employee, And Is Served Nothing But Relentless Honesty

"I'm telling you about one event but I must have a "retail" face because I'm approached so often. I wear a suit at work. When I call in at any shop on the way home I leave my jacket in the car so I'm just wearing a shirt and tie. I couldn't tell you how many times people assume I am staff.

If they're civil, I'm civil.
If they're struggling, I'm helpful.
If they're rude, I have fun.

The reason I remember this one is because I've said all of these things separately before but this was the first time I got them all squeezed into one single interaction. It just went so perfectly. It will never happen again."

"I had called in to a large supermarket to pick up birthday candles.

I first saw the woman being very rude to another customer for no apparent reason...She was just impatient and the other customer wasn't moving fast enough for her liking so she was insulting her. She definitely ranked above a**hole so let's call her Douchebagette or DB for short.

As she turned I saw the "rocket lock" in her eyes as she spotted me. She galumphed her way over. I decided to enjoy it and settled on being deadpan literal as a plan. I looked away."

"DB: Excuse me!!

Me: Why, what have you done?

DB: What?!

She paused for a second looking like a dog that had been shown a card trick. Then angrily asked:-

DB: Can you help me?

Me: I couldn't possibly know. I don't know what you want.

She makes a Tucker Carlson face."

"DB: Where do you keep your eyelash curlers?

Me: I don't keep them anywhere.

DB: Yes, you do. I've seen them before.

Me: I'm certain I don't. I've never owned any. My eyelashes manage to bend all on their own. I'm more than happy with the bendiness of my eyelashes.

DB: Huh? What? No, idiot, I mean the shop. Where in the shop are the eyelash curlers?

Me: I haven't got a clue.

DB: Why not?

Me: I refer you to my previous answer. I never use them.

DB: Aargh! Are you trying to be stupid?

Me: No, it's effortless.

DB: This is insane! Are you going to find out where the eyelash curlers are, or would you prefer that I speak to your manager?

Me: I'd say neither but if I had to choose I'd go for option (b)"

"DB: What?? You want me to speak to your manager?

Me: No.

She shakes her head in angry confusion and says:-

DB: You just said you did.

Me: No I didn't. You asked me which I'd prefer. If I was offered a rectal exam or a slap in the face I don't want either but I'd prefer the second to the first. See how it works? (This is a phrase I use with my wife when she gives me bad alternatives.)

She stood in silence for a few seconds with her mouth open and the deepest frown. She then built up to a shout with:-

DB: This is RIDICULOUS!!!

Me: I completely agree.

DB: WHERE is your manager?

Me: I'm not exactly sure but my guess would be at home with his family.

DB: AAARGH! You're being STUPID! Who supervises YOU here in this store RIGHT NOW?

She actually stamped her foot twice when she shouted "right now".

Me: Nobody.

DB: What? Why not?

Me: Because I don't need to be supervised. I haven't needed supervision in a shop since I was about 9 years old.

DB: OH MY GOD, IT'S LIKE TALKING TO THE WALL!!"

"I could see that her shouting had attracted a member of management. She was approaching quickly.

DB: Why aren't you HELPING ME!!!

Me: Why would I?

I think I saw a slight hint of understanding spread across her puzzled face.

DB: You do WORK HERE don't you?

Me: No.

DB: WHY DIDN'T YOU F*CKING SAY SO?!

Me: You didn't ask me. Until now."