What’s not to love about koalas, right? This cuddly-looking, cute marsupial is the living embodiment of a cartoon teddy bear. They’re nature’s stuffed animals, just chilling the day away eating eucalyptus and loving life. If that’s your impression of these miserable animals, then you are in dire need of an education.
News flash: koalas are the worst. Anyone unfortunate enough to come into contact with one of these little devils knows the savage truth. These ferocious little animals may look like a kind little cutie just waiting for a friend, but that’s far from the truth. There are myriad reasons koalas are actually horrible animals. From rampant attacks on the people they encounter to the disgusting behavior of their young, koalas are just terrible to their core.
If you’re willing to have your illusions shattered, then continue reading, because mean koala facts (and a possible rude awakening) await anyone daring enough to learn the awful reality of these seemingly innocuous little leaf eaters.
In recent years, the koala population of Australia has been ravaged by a particularly contagious strain of Chlamydia. Professor of infectious diseases at the Burnet Institute in Melbourne David Wilson told the BBC that about half the koalas in Australia are infected.
The disease is very painful for a koala, causing “blindness, infertility, and an infection known as ‘dirty tail’.” Dirty tail is actually a cutesy name for a vicious inflammation of the urinary tract that is so painful it can be fatal.
Even more unnerving, koalas can transmit Chlamydia to any humans that come into contact with their urine.
In 2006, a group of four idiots broke into a zoo in Australia with the intention of stealing a koala and selling it for drugs. When they broke into the koala pen, however, they found the furry little jerk was "too vicious" to steal.
Zookeeper Wil Kemp explained, "apparently [the koala] scratched the shit out of them. The blokes have quite a lot of scratches and lacerations caused by the koala.” As a result of the unexpected attack, the thieves - and this is not a joke - found it easier to steal a four-foot-long, 90 pound, writhing, thrashing crocodile. Even though they had to drag the poor thing over a security fence, that was still easier than successfully nabbing a koala.
Because a koala’s primary source of food is so tough on the stomach, koala joeys are forced to rely on their mother for nourishment. Nope, it’s not milk. It’s a specially mixture of crap and gut bacteria that is vital to the literal sh*t-eater’s development. The creamy substance is known as pap. And that’s not even the worst part.
Professional koala keeper Caroline Monro described baby koala feeding time thusly: “It can look really disgusting because the joeys use their mouth to stimulate the mother's cloaca to produce the pap. And it's quite wet. It gets everywhere.”
Dairy farmer Ebony Churchill was just trying to bring in the cows for their daily milking when she was chased by an excited koala. Even as she accelerated her four-wheeler, the little terror managed to keep pace and refused to give up.
As Churchill ended her run, she was forced to stop the ATV. She did, and immediately hopped off her four-wheeler only to find that the koala’s real prey was the rear tire of the transport, not her … at least not this time.