Penises are weird. Some of are honkin' great trunks, others wittle itty bitty stubs, but they all look kind of funny, even the divine ones. In the animal kingdom, anything goes when it comes to dong size. The animals with the largest penis-to-body ratio are all over the map. Some of them are tiny creatures with relatively giant penises, and others are hulking mammals with members to match. Animals whose penises are biggest relative to body size usually have an evolutionary reason for having such large penises, but a few of them just have giant wangs for the heck of it. Nothing wrong with function over form from time to time, even if the union of form and function is the supreme achievement of all art (surely beaver bashers are art, yes?).
When you think of an animal with a huge penis (which, obviously, you do pretty regularly, because don't we all?), your mind probably goes to the whale or a horse (Mr. Hands!), and while those penises are indeed quite large (seriously, Mr. Hands!), they don’t compare to the body-to-groin-ferret ratio some of these beasts are packing. There’s even an animal on here that has a penis 50 times the size of its body. That barely makes sense! Can you imagine trying to fit that into your jeans? You’d pass out from loss of blood every time you got an erection.
Obviously, not every animal on this list is so weirdly/well endowed, but they’re all packing something sure to give you a shock. Some of these animals need their giant seed launchers to sow fertile fields, others use them to scratch their back. Nature is weird, and science obviously has a sense of humor.
The Barnacle Puts Everyone to Shame
Barnacles, those things you scrape off the side of a boat, have the largest penis-to-body ratio in the animal kingdom. Their penises can up to 50 times the length of their body - which is insane. That would be like if a 6' tall person had a 300 foot long penis. "No thank you!" - said everyone ever except maybe Olympic pole vaulters. Can you use your pork sword as the pole? Actually, they probably wouldn't want that either, come to think of it.
Anyway, barnacles. Their penises need to be hella long because they travel to the female in order to impregnate them. Such is the life of a creature that spends its days stuck to a boat.
The Greater Hooked Squid, More Like the Greater Hooked Penis?
The last animal you want to have a giant wang is a squid. The greater hooked squid has a penis that, when erect, can become as long as its entire body. That means these deep water monsters have perhaps the greatest known penis length relative to body size of all mobile animals. This squid is one of the few underwater creatures that's able to elongate its penis into an erect shaft.
Until its ready, the penis remains sheathed inside of the squid, waiting to strike. Like a meat harpoon. And if you're wondering, no, the squid probably wouldn't use its penis to pull people off stage on a vaudeville show.
The Blue Whale Is a Show Off
Of course the blue whale has a giant penis! It's like saying Peter North should be the next Spiderman, with the ropes he shoots. It's just obvious. The average torpedo length of a blue whale is 8-to-12 feet, and they sport girth as formidable as 14 inches in diameter (yeah, diameter, not circumference). That puts the penis-to-body ratio at about 10:1, depending on the size of the whale and the penis. Which is crazy when you think about the size of the creature floating through the sea.
The largest whale penis on display is just the tip: it's about 67 inches long, and it's available for viewing at the Icelandic Phallological Museum.
Argentine Lake Ducks Have the Worst Wangs
What is it about ducks that makes them complete jerks? Is it their addiction to carbs? Or is their huge, lasso-like penises? Probably the latter. Argentine Lake Ducks have penises that measure to around 16 inches in length, which puts them at about a 5:4 ratio on body to penis.
Their penises have to be that long because their female counterparts hate having sex with them, so the Argentine's lasso the ducks and rape them. Lasso them with their corkscrew missile dicks. If you're thinking sh*t just got upriver f*cked up, you'd be right.