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The Best Lawyer Jokes

1.4k votes 549 voters 11.4k views24 items

List RulesVote up any funny joke about lawyers and attorneys

Lawyers are allegedly the worst. They’re mainly (not really) only necessary as the butt of a good joke. Speaking of which, this is a list of the funniest lawyer jokes ever. The puns, one liners, and foibles on this list not only serve as a trenchant critique of the bar association as a whole, but they’re also super funny. So prepare your depositions and place your right hand on the holy book of your choice, because you’re going to laugh about lawyers like you’ve never laughed before after reading this list of lawyer one liners.

Inside you’ll find a joke about lawyers for every occasion. Whether you’re attending a party full of the lawyers or if your best friend just got out of a tough court case, we have the joke for you. And don’t worry future lawyers, you can laugh at these jokes too. After all, when you’re elbow deep in cash from all the ambulance chasing you do, you won’t care what anyone says about you.

Vote on what you think is the funniest lawyer joke!
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  • 1
    45
    20

    What's The Difference Between A Lawyer And A Boxing Referee?

    A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.
  • 2
    71
    56

    How Many Lawyer Jokes Are There?

    Only three. The rest are true stories.
  • 3
    49
    32

    What Does A Lawyer Get When You Give Him Viagra?

    Taller.
  • 4
    31
    15

    What Do You Call A Lawyer With An IQ Of 50?

    Senator
  • 5
    60
    50

    What Do You Throw To A Drowning Lawyer?

    His partners.
  • 6
    39
    26

    What Do You Call 25 Lawyers Buried Up To Their Chins In Cement?

    Not enough cement.
  • 7
    29
    16

    What's The Difference Between A Jellyfish And A Lawyer?

    One's a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.
  • 8
    38
    28

    What's The Difference Between A Lawyer And A Leech?

    After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
  • 9
    45
    37

    What's The Difference Between A Female Lawyer And A Pitbull

    Lipstick
     
  • 10
    39
    31

    What Do You Call A Smiling, Nice Person At A Bar Association Convention?

    The caterer. 
  • 11
    22
    11

    What's The Difference Between A Lawyer And God?

    God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
  • 12
    25
    14

    What Do You Call A Lawyer With An IQ Of 100?

    Your honor
  • 13
    27
    17

    How Does And Attorney Sleep?

    First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
  • 14
    22
    12

    What Are Lawyers Good For?

     They make used car salesmen look good.
  • 15
    34
    26

    What's The One Thing That Never Works When It's Fixed?

    A jury
  • 16
    27
    18

    How Are An Apple And A Lawyer Alike?

    They both look good hanging from a tree.
  • 17
    32
    24

    How Many Lawyers Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb?

    Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
  • 18
    33
    26

    What Do Dinosaurs And Good Lawyers Have In Common?

    They're both extinct.
  • 19
    20
    11

    What Do You Call 25 Skydiving Lawyers?

    Skeet.
  • 20
    26
    19

    What's The Difference Between A Vacuum Cleaner And A Lawyer On A Motorcycle?

    The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.

  • 21
    33
    28

    What's The Difference Between An Accountant And A Lawyer?

    Accountants know they're boring.
  • 22
    20
    12

    What's The Difference Between A Lawyer And A Trampoline?

    You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
  • 23
    17
    9

    What's The Difference Between A Good Lawyer And A Bad Lawyer?

    A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.
  • 24
    21
    15

    Why Did God Invent Lawyers?

    So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.