18 Ludicrous Stories About Steven Seagal

The '80s and '90s were a golden age for American action films. The genre launched the careers of icons like Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Mel Gibson, along with a whole pantheon of popular B-listers such as Jean-Claude Van Damme, Dolph Lundgren, and an intriguing martial-arts-instructor-turned-movie-star named Steven Seagal.   

Seagal's fighting style was aikido (he was the first foreigner to operate an aikido dojo in Japan), which focuses on blocks, parries, throws, and other defensive moves, so his action scenes were unlike anything in American movies at the time. And so was Seagal himself. It wasn't long before some truly crazy Steven Seagal stories began to emerge, and he developed a reputation as one of the strangest and most difficult-to-work-with stars in the industry.

There are a lot of insane things about Steven Seagal, and this list looks at some of the weirdest and most troubling ones that have emerged over the years. From his obscure music career to his new status as "Russian citizen Steven Seagal" and the fact that he's a living god (no lie!), there's a reason he's continued to fascinate us over the years. And now Russia gets to have Steven Seagal, too!

  • He Is a Citizen of, and Cultural Institution in, Serbia

    In January 2016, months before making headlines for being ordained a Russian citizen by Vladimir Putin, Seagal was granted citizenship in Serbia. Though perhaps random to the outside world, the presentation of citizenship to Seagal came perfectly naturally to many Serbs. In addition to being a hugely popular musician in the country, Seagal has trained Serbian special forces in aikido, met with the country's president and other top officials, and hopes to one day open a dojo in Belgrade. 

    A passionate defender of the character of the Serbian people, Seagal has vowed to do all he can to promote a positive international image of Serbia, to combat what he feels are unfair prejudices based on the country's role in the Balkan conflict. 

  • A Dead Puppy, 115 Euthanized Chickens, and a House Crushed by a Tank for Reality TV

    A Dead Puppy, 115 Euthanized Chickens, and a House Crushed by a Tank for Reality TV
    Photo: REELZ

    At one point, Seagal had his own reality show, Steven Seagal: Lawman. On this show, he played cop for real in Maricopa County, AZ, alongside pillar of the community Sheriff Joe Arpaio, who once said, "I don't use e-mail or u-mail or whatever it's called." Boyish hijinks ensued.

    During one arrest, Steven bravely drove a SWAT tank through the front wall of notorious cock-fighting master criminal Jesus Llovera's compound. Llovera's alleged crime was keeping 115 chickens on his property to use in illegal fights. Someone forgot the first rule of Chicken Fight Club and squawked to Seagal. 

    During the raid, Llovera's  puppy was  killed, and the 115 chickens were euthanized.  

  • His Music Is Terrible, His Lyrics Are Genius

    Ol' Stevie released an album in 2005 called Songs from the Crystal Cave. He describes its sound as "outsider country-meets-world music-meets-Aikido." Somehow, he convinced Lady Saw (!) and Stevie Wonder (!!!) to appear on the album. In the liner notes, Seagal is listed as performing vocals, rhythm & lead guitar, drums, percussion, and clay pot.

    Seagal co-wrote most of the music and lyrics for the record, and came up with some of the most insightful, artistic, poetic words this side of Nobel Laureate Bob Dylan. Some noteworthy lyrics from the record include:

    • "My philosophy's from outer space"
    • "I could ruin your livelihood/I could kill you I would/With the messiest sh*t you ever heard/I could trash your lip, mutate ya /You might lose your wife I might destroy your life"
    • "The last school I know would f*ck you for money/Hey man this is freedom of the press/ Who you mean feedin' the f*ckers for free?/Hey man this is our constitution and you know the fifth f*ckin ammendment/You turn this piece of paper into a weapon of mass destruction our forefathers would be rollin' over in their graves"
    • "Girl what you really want all night/Me want the buddy, make me feel nice/Boy what you really want all night/Me want the poonani, see for make nice/She want the buddy/Him want the poonani/And me know it nice"
  • He Crapped His Pants When a Judo Legend Choked Him Out

    According to some accounts, as Segal's star rose high in the Hollywood sky, he began to believe his own hype. Apparently, at the height of his fame, he once claimed to be immune to a judo choke hold. To prove this claim, he instigated stunt man and martial arts legend Gene LeBell to choke him. LeBell obliged

    As it turns out, Seagal was not, and probably still is not, immune to judo. LeBell choked ol' Stevie until he passed out and crapped his pants.