From late November until the end of December, mall Santas listen to the demands and reluctant screams of millions of children whose parents are A-okay with plopping them into a bearded stranger's lap. These brave actors endure tantrums, handsy teenagers, and horny mothers, but the weird things people ask mall Santas for might just be the most difficult task they face. You see, when children ask mall Santas for weird presents, these pseudo-Saint Nicks need to think quickly to give the kids the answer they want to hear, lest they end up branded a bad mall Santa. A quick look at children's Christmas lists highlights the challenges mall Santas find themselves up against. But kids' weird requests of mall Santas only brush the surface of the strange things mall Santas deal with. If you thought only kids want to sit in a mall Santa's lap, then you might need to hear a song called "Santa Baby."
Thanks to Reddit, weird mall Santa stories escape the confines of shopping centers to be enjoyed by people the world over. Check out what happens when things go South at the your local mall's North Pole.
Smells Like Teen Santa
"Teenagers like to sit on your lap and try to 'shock' you (which probably works with many Santas but I was pretty young when I did the job). One evening this rocker girl came in with her friends and sat on my lap. When I asked her what she wanted for Xmas, she said, 'Kurt Cobain's body.'
So I put on this guilty act and replied, 'Oh, I still feel really bad about that 'cause I gave him the gun.'"
Just To Play With
"I worked as an elf when I was 15. One kid asked for a new liver. Apparently he was healthy, just wanted one 'to play with and stuff.'"
No Zoo For You
"Worked as a photographer for a mall Santa. It's not that weird, but my favorite moment was when a kid asked for a live octopus or shark. Santa said he wasn't sure if his elves would be able to make those. Kid said he'd settle for a giant squid if he had to."
Moms Love Santa, Baby
From a deleted Reddit user:
"When I was 17 I worked for a K-Mart and volunteered to be the store's Santa. Mostly because it meant I could spend a majority of my Saturday shift sitting in a chair as opposed to pushing shopping carts.
We would offer free photos inside a little pre-made K-Mart Christmas card. The kids were easy. Ask what they want for Christmas, snap a photo, and done. Every once in a while you would get the kids screaming bloody murder while their parents force them to take a picture with Santa. But I was that screaming kid once so it never really bothered me.
Adults were where it got a little creepy. Since the photos were free the mothers would get in on it as well. Some would just openly hit on me 'Can I have you for Christmas?' The worst was an older woman who looked me in the eyes an said 'I just want the pain to go away, Santa.' Me being 17-years-old had no f*cking idea what to say. 'Uhhh, okay!'"