From late November until the end of December, mall Santas listen to the demands and reluctant screams of millions of children whose parents are A-okay with plopping them into a bearded stranger's lap. These brave actors endure tantrums, handsy teenagers, and horny mothers, but the weird things people ask mall Santas for might just be the most difficult task they face. You see, when children ask mall Santas for weird presents, these pseudo-Saint Nicks need to think quickly to give the kids the answer they want to hear, lest they end up branded a bad mall Santa. A quick look at children's Christmas lists highlights the challenges mall Santas find themselves up against. But kids' weird requests of mall Santas only brush the surface of the strange things mall Santas deal with. If you thought only kids want to sit in a mall Santa's lap, then you might need to hear a song called "Santa Baby."
Thanks to Reddit, weird mall Santa stories escape the confines of shopping centers to be enjoyed by people the world over. Check out what happens when things go South at the your local mall's North Pole.
Just To Play With
"I worked as an elf when I was 15. One kid asked for a new liver. Apparently he was healthy, just wanted one 'to play with and stuff.'"
A Few Weird Canine Requests
"I was a helper elf a few times, and two stories in particular stand out in my mind. This like six-year-old little blonde kid asked Santa for a puppy with no legs and leave it at their door so he could name it Matt. This other time, a little girl asked for a lifetime supply of peanut butter so her dog would lick it off her face forever."
Smells Like Teen Santa
"Teenagers like to sit on your lap and try to 'shock' you (which probably works with many Santas but I was pretty young when I did the job). One evening this rocker girl came in with her friends and sat on my lap. When I asked her what she wanted for Xmas, she said, 'Kurt Cobain's body.'
So I put on this guilty act and replied, 'Oh, I still feel really bad about that 'cause I gave him the gun.'"
Santa Doesn't Do Adult Toys
"An old coworker of mine used to be a Santa. He told me that once he had a little boy who looked about eight or nine ask for a box of condoms since his mom wouldn't buy them for him."