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The Best Marriage Jokes

List RulesVote up the funniest jokes about being married that find the laughter in long-term relationships.

Marriage is a sacred bond between two people. However, no marriage would last if both spouses were unable to laugh with one another. There is a lot of humor to be found in long-term relationships, and if you have been with your significant other for a while, then there's a good chance you've heard at least one of these jokes in the past. This list has gathered together some of the best marriage jokes of all time, so see which ones hit a little too close to home for you and your partner!

For these jokes, things will be kept (mostly) positive. You won't find any ball-and-chain jokes here! After all, you wouldn't marry the love of your life if it felt like the spiritual equivalent of having a ball and chain you had to lug around. Marriage is a happy time, and with these jokes, you can make things even happier. 

Whether you have been happily married for years or are still single, you're encouraged to vote for your favorite marriage puns and jokes here. If you're having a tough time knowing what to vote up, then read these to your partner. The two of you will soon be laughing on the couch or in bed together!

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  • 1

    If love is grand, then what is a divorce?

    17
    0

    About 100 grand.

  • 2

    Spouses are like grenades...

    14
    0

    Remove the ring and BOOM! The house is gone.

  • 3

    Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?

    9
    0

    He baptized one and kept the other one as a control.

  • 4

    Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings saying, "You're next..."

    17
    1

    They stopped when I started doing the same to them at funerals.

  • 5

    Why should you never laugh at your spouse's choices?

    13
    1

    Because you're one of them!

  • 6

    I heard people say you can’t live without love...

    12
    1

    I still think oxygen ranks higher.

  • 7

    Why did the polygamist cross the road?

    7
    1

    To get to the other bride!

  • 8

    Marriage is what happens when two become as one...

    5
    0

    The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

  • 9

    My spouse said, "I think it's time we heard the pitter-patter of little feet again..."

    9
    2

    So I bought a rat.

  • 10

    What's the easiest way to scare your spouse?

    10
    3

    Ask them if they remember what today is.

  • 11

    What is the difference between love and marriage?

    6
    1

    Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener!

  • 12

    Why are husbands like parking spaces?

    13
    5

    The good ones are always taken.

  • 13

    My wife whispered in my ear today that she’s not wearing any underwear...

    8
    3

    Oh man, she's already growing forgetful.

  • 14

    Listening to a spouse is like reading the terms and conditions of a website.

    9
    4

    You understand nothing, but you still say, "I agree."

  • 15

    Why is marriage like a violin?

    4
    1

    Once all the beautiful music is gone, the strings are still attached.

  • 16

    What is the most popular text message among men?

    6
    3

    I love you too.

  • 17

    How is marriage different than most wars?

    7
    4

    You actually sleep with the enemy.

  • 18

    "You think so much of golf that you don't even remember when we were married."

    4
    2

    "Of course I do. It was the day I sunk that forty-foot putt."

  • 19

    Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, "You're only interested in one thing..."

    6
    4

    And you can't remember what it is.

  • 20

    You want to hear some marriage jokes?

    5
    4

    Don't worry, it's just a couple.

  • 21

    By all means marry...

    5
    4

    If you get a good spouse, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

  • 22

    Why should you never divorce a goalie?

    4
    4

    Because he's a keeper.

  • 23

    I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high...

    4
    4

    She looked surprised to hear it.

  • 24

    What do brides get with marriage?

    3
    5

    A new name and a dress.

  • 25

    Why should you avoid marrying a tennis player?

    3
    6

    Because love means nothing to them!