Kids from the '90s love to remember the fun movies of their childhood, but looking back on them with an adult perspective almost inevitably reveals some unspeakably dumb stuff. Although these kids' movies from the '90s will likely always have a place in the hearts of millions of Millennials, the truth is that most have aged like a lukewarm wad of Gak. Many of these so-called classics are actually twisted, dark, and messed up kids' movies.
From criminally irresponsible adults to kids who regularly put themselves in mortal danger, sometimes these "classics" are secretly just nightmarish realities from which these characters may never recover. As a species, we're predisposed to view things from our childhood with rose-colored glasses. But now it's time to dig out your old VHS tapes and take a hard look at these unsettling '90s kids' movies with fresh eyes.
Tony Perkis (Ben Stiller) abusing the fat kids at Camp Hope is definitely illegal and terrible, but that's only the most obvious problem with Heavyweights. The relationship Camp Hope has with their rival, Camp MVP, is far worse. The neighboring camp is full of jerk athletic kids, sure, but it's also run by an incredibly aggressive and abusive staff. Who’s in charge there, professional bullies?
The adults at Camp MVP must be on a healthy diet of steroids and coke, otherwise they would never drive a boat full of children across a lake just so they can yell ”You stink! You stink! You stink! You stink!” to a bunch of kids who could actually be struggling with various issues. Bullying is always bad, but that kind of adult-on-child sanctioned verbal attack is next-level cruel.
1,990932Was this actually messed up?
- Actors: Ben Stiller, Jerry Stiller, Judd Apatow, Kenan Thompson, Jeffrey Tambor
- Released: 1995
- Directed by: Steven Brill
Dennis Mitchel (Mason Gamble) is a sociopath with zero social skills. He might frown every once in a while, but don't be fooled. He spends every waking minute designing and executing horrific scenarios for Mr. Wilson (Walter Matthau) just to see if he can make it look like an accident.
Try rewatching this film without getting paranoid. You'll notice Dennis dons a sickening smirk every time he escapes consequence. This kid is going to grow up eventually, and when he does, it's going to be bad. That's just a fact. On second thought, save yourself the nightmares and just double-check that you locked your deadbolt.
2,2411,110Was this actually messed up?
- Actors: Christopher Lloyd, Lea Thompson, Natasha Lyonne, Ben Stein, Walter Matthau
- Released: 1993
- Directed by: Nick Castle
Kazaam (Shaquille O'Neal) is a weird, mean genie who manipulates a kid just so he can free himself and start a rap career. To clarify: that is literally the plot of Kazaam. Kazaam barely helps Max (Francis Capra), and he mostly goofs around while Max is in danger. Oh, and he signs a record contract.
Kazaam is a horrible rapper, even by '90s standards, and he's a worse friend. Max just needed a role model, but sure Shaq, go ahead and promote your rap career as a genie (and, on a more meta level, as an actual terrible rapper).
1,118719Was this actually messed up?
- Actors: Shaquille O'Neal, Ally Walker, Wade Robson, Francis Capra, Marshall Manesh
- Released: 1996
- Directed by: Paul Michael Glaser
Is this a prequel to The Wolf of Wall Street? Preston Waters (Brian Bonsall) is a spoiled brat who doesn't even deserve an allowance, and he acts like a jerk every chance he gets. This kid should have gone to jail immediately.
Instead, you have to watch a kid who already lives in a house nicer than yours buy a mansion and a limo driver/servant as his best friend. Preston is a monster, and he's going to grow up to support mandatory background checks for welfare recipients.
1,230831Was this actually messed up?
- Actors: Brian Bonsall, Debbie Allen, Tone-Lōc, James Rebhorn, Karen Duffy
- Released: 1994
- Directed by: Rupert Wainwright