Sex can be a confusing adventure, and so it's reasonable that newbies or those looking to spice up their love life would look to mainstream magazines for inspiration. Unfortunately for these people, magazines need to continually come up with new gimmicks to make sure they're not putting out the same advice every month- which leads to a whole lot of misguided and impractical sex tips. These tips hail from very reputable sources, such as Cosmopolitan. You'll also see some tips from international magazines (what the hell is a 'chap' and an 'ice-lolly'?) and Men's Health, which proves that both men and Europeans are getting just as backwards advice as American women.
Why do people still think it's sexy to incorporate food in sex? At best it'll mess your sheets up, at worst you get a bacterial infection. Do you think the people who wrote these have actually had sex before? Would you actually try any of these tips? Which ones seem the most misguided? Let us know which tip is the most outrageous by voting on which one you could never, ever try to pull off, even with Upton or Gosling.
Wear a leather belt around your naked waist during doggy-style. He can pull on it to create more bounce.
Shouldn't he be the one with the saddle, cowgirl?
While he’s kissing you, suck on his tongue seductively, imitating what you do to his penis.
This seems unpleasant for both people involved.
Ask him over for dessert. Lie naked with a few pieces of chocolate on you that he can nibble off.
Be sure to lie perfectly still so none fall off, because ants are a real mood-killer.
Hold some sparkling water in your mouth while giving him oral. The bubbles plus warmth will make him quiver.
Or just give him a regular beej, and use the water to rinse out your mouth after.
Cook dinner topless, put a little tomato sauce on your nipple, and ask him to lick it off.
"Spice things up" in the bedroom! Use habanero sauce!
If you have a roommate, rent a horror movie and play it while you're having sex. If they hear any screams, they'll assume it's the movie.
Don't try to act like Bruce Campbell isn't a total turn on.
Walk - No, haul ass, over to the kitchen supply aisle, and purchase a silicone pastry brush for him to stroke over your breasts and clitoris.
Knock yourself out. Just... avoid cross-contamination. Buy a separate one for the kitchen.
Get him to put a condom on a ice-lolly and slide it in and out of you.
Do you want a yeast infection? This is how you get a yeast infection.
Lightly wrap a cheap beaded necklace around his package, and then move it back and forth.
What else are you going to do with those Mardi Gras beads you "earned"? Addendum: Make sure he man-scapes, because... ow.
Place one hand at the base of his shaft, and twist the tip with the other — like you’re opening a jar.
You know what sex needs more of? Indian Burns.
Move his penis around like a joystick - up and down, side to side, and in a circle.
Do it with the intensity and vigor of a 13 year-old boy of COD: call him a n00b and insult his mother.
Gently stick his penis through the hole of a doughnut, then nibble around it, stopping to suck once in a while. The sugary texture will add an interesting new dimension.
IS THIS REAL LIFE
Jiggle his balls back and forth as if you're shaking dice in a cup.
Then let go of them and yell, "No! NO! I TOLD YOU TO NOT PUT IT ALL ON RED! WE NEED A SECOND MORTGAGE!"
Make a bedroom burrito. While you’re rolling around in bed, wrap her up in the sheet so she can’t do anything with her arms (think burrito or straitjacket).
This list has so many food products, food utensils, and food analogies that I can only believe these tips come from Americans.
Tie his silky tie loosely around his penis, then roll it up and down for a silky handjob.
Even better, sew a little suit for your man's member! Make him wear it, and then fire him for insubordination.
Gently stick your thumb in his back door during climax. It’s a great surprise that most men like.
THIS IS BAD ADVICE
Pop your chap into a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Women love chocolate.
PUT FLOWERS ON YOUR DINGUS / PUT A ROMANTIC POEM ON YOUR DINGUS / PUT NICE JEWELRY ON YOUR DINGUS / WOMEN LOVE THESE THINGS AND WILL, BY PROXIMITY, LOVE YOUR DINGUS
Draw an attention-grabbing circle around your nipples using rhinestones and body glue for a special night in.
I assume this one is for the dudes, because we ladies don't need help drawing attention to our bits.
Instruct him to wrap your chest and torso in plastic wrap and touch you through it. The muted sensation feels amazeballs.
NEVER take intimate advice from someone who uses the word "Amazeballs."
Pretend to be a lesbian.
...OK, I get the whole "desperate girl making out with her friend for attention" thing... but acting like you don't like men at all seems flat-out counterproductive. Where do you go from there? Ask him to try to "convert" you? I don't think that's how that works.
Wrap pearls around your penis.
Dear misguided youth probably absorbing this advice: Please don't take your mom's nice pearls. Your dad worked hard for them. Also, they've probably already been on his dong.
Hold his penis in one hand and lightly slap it with the other... You can tap it back and forth like you're volleying a tennis ball, and lightly pinch the shaft and testicles.
If you can't pleasure him, confuse him!
Use the shampoo that was popular when you were in middle school. This will remind him of the girls he wanked to when he was a teenager.
Creepy. SO. CREEPY.
Give him a hand job with a grape between each finger.
"Isn't this a GRAPE idea??" "I think we should see other people."