The Best Nurse Jokes

List Rules
Vote up any funny joke about nurses and nursing

If you’ve been to a hospital or doctor’s office recently, then you know that nurses are the gatekeepers to the world of medicine. And if you get on the wrong side of a nurse there’s a good chance that you’ll end up sitting infinitely in a waiting room, or worse, stuck with the biggest needle they can find. Anyway, check out the funny nurse jokes on this list. But be careful, if you see a nurse wielding a syringe, it’s best to cool it with the jokes and just mind your p’s and q’s. Your best bet is to wait until after your doctor’s visit to make with the nurse humor.

Nurses can be grouchy for a lot of reasons. They might have student loans, or maybe a four year old coughed all over them before you spoke to them, more than likely both of those things happened. So why not check out these favorite nurse jokes from around the world. Nurses have a hard job, and often a thankless job so here's a "thanks!" and also some levity to brighten a nurses day. After all, after a day of taking care of the sick and injured, the thankless men and women who have to change bedpans and catheters need a laugh more than anyone we can think of.

Vote on the funniest joke about nurses!
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  • What Did The Nurse Say When She Found A Rectal Thermometer In Her Pocket?
    1

    What Did The Nurse Say When She Found A Rectal Thermometer In Her Pocket?

    "Some a**hole has my pen!"
  • How Many Doctors Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?
    2

    How Many Doctors Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?

    Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in
  • Did You Hear About The Nurse Who Died And Went To Hell?
    3

    Did You Hear About The Nurse Who Died And Went To Hell?

    It took her two weeks to realize that she wasn't at work anymore!
  • What's The Difference Between An Oral And Rectal Thermometer?
    4

    What's The Difference Between An Oral And Rectal Thermometer?

    The taste. 
  • Why Did The Nurse Insist On Using A Rectal Thermometer To Get Temperatures?
    5

    Why Did The Nurse Insist On Using A Rectal Thermometer To Get Temperatures?

    She was taught in nursing school to always look for her patient's best side. 
  • How Does An OB Nurse Answer The Phone?
    6

    How Does An OB Nurse Answer The Phone?

    At your cervix!
  • What's It Called When A Hospital Runs Out Of Maternity Nurses?
    7

    What's It Called When A Hospital Runs Out Of Maternity Nurses?

    A mid-wife crisis!
  • What Do You Call Two ICU Nurses Holding Hands?
    8

    What Do You Call Two ICU Nurses Holding Hands?

    A synapse.
  • What Does LPN Stand For?
    9

    What Does LPN Stand For?

    Low paid nurse.
  • How Do You Save A Doctor From Drowning?
    10

    How Do You Save A Doctor From Drowning?

    Take the nurse's foot off his head. 
  • What Do Transplant Nurses Hate?
    11

    What Do Transplant Nurses Hate?

    Rejection
  • Why Did The Nurse Go To Art School?
    12

    Why Did The Nurse Go To Art School?

    To learn how to draw blood.
  • Why Was The Doctor Shouting Typhoid! Measles! Tetanus!?
    13

    Why Was The Doctor Shouting Typhoid! Measles! Tetanus!?

    He just likes to call the shots. 
  • What's The Difference Between A Nurse And A Nun?
    14

    What's The Difference Between A Nurse And A Nun?

    A nun only serves one God. 
  • How Do You Know When A Nurse Is Having A Bad Day?
    15

    How Do You Know When A Nurse Is Having A Bad Day?

    She won't stop needling people.
  • What Do You Call A Practical Nurse?
    16

    What Do You Call A Practical Nurse?

    One who marries a wealthy, terminally ill patient.
  • How Many Nurses Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb?
    17

    How Many Nurses Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb?

    None - They just have a nursing assistant do it. 

  • Why Did The Nurse Keep The Bedpan In The Refrigerator?
    18

    Why Did The Nurse Keep The Bedpan In The Refrigerator?

    Because when she kept it in the freezer it took too much skin off. 
  • Why Did The Two Nurses Hate Each Other?
    19

    Why Did The Two Nurses Hate Each Other?

    They had bad blood between them.
  • Why Was The Surgery Nurse Demoted?
    20

    Why Was The Surgery Nurse Demoted?

    For being absent without gauze.
  • Why Was The Nurse Rethinking Her Job?
    21

    Why Was The Nurse Rethinking Her Job?

    The salary was measle-y